(Closed) we picked out a ring two years ago–and still nothing

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you read Mr. Bee’s post on getting engaged?  It really gives a good male perspective.  I think you two really need to sit down and think about what you want.  It almost sounds like you don’t want to be with him anymore.

Post # 4
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It’s not out of the realm of possibilities that you no longer feel the same about him as you did before. This happened to one of my friends – she wanted to get engaged, but he wasn’t ready. They bought a house together and got a dog, but when he was finally ready to propose, she told him that she had fallen out of love with him. And they broke up. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but it happens. He is now the sole owner of the house (and the dog), she is seeing someone new, and he is checking out what single life has to offer.

I guess if you feel stuck for so long, all you have for memories are disappointment and sadness. My advice – either try to find the happiness in your relationship without the ring, or take him up on his “offer” and un-tie yourself to check out what else is out there.

Post # 5
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think you may have talked about it but he hasn’t heard you.  He hears ‘I love you and I am committed to you’ when you are saying ‘the lack of commitment in our relationship is a big problem for me’.  He is sure of you.  Normally that’s a good thing but in this particular situation maybe not.

I think this might be the first post in the Waiting board where I don’t think Mr. Bee’s plan is a good idea.

I would leave him.  If he proposes than you can get together but if he can’t overcome his hangups over the ‘marriage’ word for you than you are not important enough to him.  Normally I’d say well maybe he isn’t ready etc. but it really sounds like he is committed but hung up on the getting married part and if it is important to you… he needs to get over it.  It’s not okay to pressure someone into a commitment.  But IMO it is okay to pressure someone into siging a piece of paper if they are already 100% committed.

But, leaving requires being truly and genuinly okay with staying gone if he does not propose – it’s not something you can/should bluff about.

Post # 6
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think I would talk to him frankly.  I know Mr. Bee’s post says don’t bring it up, but if you already had this conversation two years ago and he already has the ring and saving up isn’t an issue, I feel that advice doesn’t apply.  The next time he goes into a “I thought this we were in it for the long haul” I’d say, okay then, when do you see us getting engaged and getting married?  Tell him that you want to know that you both have the same goals for each other and that not moving in the same direction is causing you to feel more disappointed than satisfied with your relationship.  It sounds to me like he needs a little bit of a wakeup call on this one.

Post # 7
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I never saw the link MissASB posted, but I agree with Mr. Bee’s backup plan (copy/pasted below):

The Backup Plan

This backup plan is really just a series of techniques you can use to create a feeling of control over the uncontrollable.

PLEASE NOTE: the backup plan is not an attempt to manipulate your partner.  It is a way that you can regain some control over your life, and prevent the curse of bitterness and resentment that can rip a long term relationship to shreds.  

The fact that it also just HAPPENS to result in engagements is just icing on the cake. 🙂

Here’s the god’s honest truth: a lot of guys just fall into a comfort zone over time… and they don’t want things to change.  They’re happy with the way things are… and they’re wondering, why aren’t you?

Before you go insane answering such a dumb question, consider this three step backup plan as a way to restore your sanity and your sense of control.

1) Pretend in your mind that you’ve just been through a breakup.  

What would you do after a breakup?  You’d probably cut your hair, join the gym, start meeting up with girlfriends more.  

Do all of these things (except for cut your hair), and if your SO asks what’s up… just say that you’ve been in a funk and you’re trying to mix things up.

2) Start focusing on your own interests, especially if you’ve been super focused on the relationship.  

Make it a point to meet with other people: meet up with your girlfriends more, go to book readings, check out that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to go to but your SO never wanted to go to – go with a friend instead.

(If your SO is super jealous, then you may want to do this with only girls…I don’t mean to suggest you sabotage your relationship).

3) Invest in yourself.

Buy that DSLR you’ve been thinking about getting, and take that Photoshop class you’ve been considering.  Get that gym membership, and go every day even if you don’t feel like it.

The basic idea here is to focus on something you can control: your own needs and desires.  Waiting for someone to propose is totally beyond your control, which is just exhausting.  By focusing on things you can control, you can quickly regain control over your feelings and your life.

In the meantime, it just happens that there is a wonderful side effect of you focusing on your own interests and investing in yourself.

First of all, you start to become the person you were when your SO first fell in love with you!  You probably had a lot more of your own interests and passions when you guys first met and fell in love… so this is a way to recapture that.

But even more than that, focusing on yourself breaks the relationship out of the comfort zone.  The guy kinda wakes up and realizes, hey this fine lady isn’t going to stick around and wait for me forever.  I need to make a decision here about whether or not to move on to the next level!

This is very different from an ultimatum.  In an ultimatum, one person says to the other: “You need to decide on marriage by ___ or I will leave you.”  Here, you’re just gently reminding the other person (and yourself!): “Hey, I’m an interesting person and I’m going to focus on myself for a while.”  

Trust me, your partner will DEFINITELY notice a difference.

Post # 8
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, I was thinking more of the Backup Plan part of Mr. Bee’s plan, not the actual plan part.  Sorry I wasn’t clear there!

Post # 9
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@missasb – sorry! i think part of my 1st sentance got deleted?! I meant to say I’d never read that post from MrBee before & I’m glad you found that post & that I agreed with you that its good advice. Sometimes I type too fast & my computer can’t keep up :(.

Post # 10
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@serabell: Your post didn’t get cut off.  I was just clarifying what I said because I was reading what Arachna said about it not working here and I agree on the regular part of the plan not working in this situation.

Post # 12
Hostess
18641 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Why didn’t you go through with the break up?  You said that you tried to break up last month but it didn’t happen.  Maybe you should try getting off the lease and getting your own place so you aren’t ‘tied down’ like he mentioned.

Post # 14
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I guess that my advice would be to sit him down and calmly (no tears!) explain what you are feeling. Ask him why he took you to pick out an egagement ring 2 years ago, and then never proposed. I would be just as confused as you are! If he tries to blame you for his actions by telling you that he was once your age and he has changed so much since then, you need to explain to him that you are not him. You need to tell him that you feel you are ready for marriage and that it isn’t fair for him to use your age as an excuse for his actions. He owes you a real explanation. 2 years is a long time to think an engagement is just around the corner.

Post # 15
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well my dear, I hope you know you are not the only one out there that has ever been in this position.  I myself was in the same one just a couple of months ago, researching how to make engagement chicken!  I will tell you that an ultimatum isn’t always so bad.  It puts things into perspective for them…they are men!  I told my boyfriend (now fiancée) that I was sick of being his girlfriend, I wanted to be his wife.  I told him that I didn’t need the fancy ring we couldn’t afford I just wanted the commitment.  One week later I had a ring on my finger and we are engaged to be married in October of this year.  Just the other day he apologized for waiting so long to propose, he said he wished he would have done it sooner and that he would never take that long to do anything going forward in our future.  I think that men create an enormous amount of pressure in their minds, us women don’t help with that either, we dream up fairytales sometimes and watch to many romantic movies…those are actors getting paid to be romantic.  I bet if we all slipped our boyfriend some cash every once in awhile to be romantic…they world! Lol.  Eventually the pressure is so much to bare that they erase it from their brains.  Let’s be real here…men can only think of 1 thing at a time and sorry to say…he’s probably thinking about dinner right now while you are about to pull your hair out and cry at the same time going over all of this in your head all day every day.  I wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time or his time in our relationship if we weren’t on the same page.  I told him where I was at, gave him the chance to get there, and he did.  We couldn’t be happier now!  Good Luck Bee…Stay Strong!  Keep us posted.

Post # 16
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Good for you :). I also have a small photo business & I love it :). What DSLR did you get?

I’m not trying to be harsh, but not wanting to set him back isn’t a good reason to stay with anyone. What if he doesn’t propose this year? Then he’s kinda setting you back.

Ultimately, I believe you should do what makes you happy & you need to take care of yourself & do what you feel comfortable with doing. Whether that’s staying with him & waiting days, weeks, months, who knows it could be very soon or it may not be; or if you feel you need to, you can set a date in your head that if he goes past without proposing, you leave.

I agree with misschirpie & you should talk to him about what she said. Plus usually girls mature/grow up a few years sooner than men do.

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