Post # 1
Hi Ladies. I’m looking for some advice…. I want to start off saying I am in LOVE with my fiance. He means the world to me. I’m worried for my emotions. We have been together over 4 years now. He is in the army and has been deployed twice in those 4 years. We have only actually lived together for one of them. He has just returned from Afghanistan this past feb and we were engaged in August. Due to work for me, training for him, we were planning on getting married and moving to California this summer in July. I had nearly everything planned, yet my cold feet and his cold feet had been getting the better of both of us as in the past year and a half we had barely been together. The times we had been were wonderful- just infrequent. Plus he went on a long trip with out me last month during his leave ( I told him to go) but while he was gone I missed him and couldn’t help but wonder why he would leave for so long just a few months before we were to get married after having been apart for so long. Although I did have to stay for my job. I prayed so hard for strength to go ahead with the wedding anyway, but the more I planned without him the more miserable I felt and the more emotional I became. I truly felt like he didn’t want this either. After many fights, tears, and heartfelt talks we have decided to postpone the wedding. I am keeping the rings, dress but everything else has been canceled. Now he is in an intense training for the next 6 weeks and I am again away from him. I try so hard not to panic, because I know he is busy. I feel so needy and lost. We are wonderful together, when we are able to be, but this time apart feels like is dragging and killing our relationship. I am supposed to move to California with him in July, which I’m super excited about, however I am also SO scared. He says he still wants to marry me it’s just that we both have our doubts right now- rightfully so considering all this time apart- but we are moving forward and through them. I feel like in all this I’ve focused so much on him I’ve lost myself in the process. He thinks I’m actiing crazy lately and didn’t want to postpone anything at first- I actually brought up the idea of postponing the wedding until next year once we had time to know eachother more. I guess what I’m asking for is… Does this seem like the right thing to do? I struggle with being happy about the choice and then crying about the distance I feed between us when we used to be so close.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2013 - Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas
I think postponing things is a good idea if you are having doubts. There is no reason to rush into it. How long does he plan on being in the military? Is this a lifestyle that you would be willing to live with all of the time apart?
Post # 4
@aparana: Postponing was a good idea and I’m sure took a lot of courage so I commend you for that.
Question though – is military a life-long career for him? Is there an end in sight? I’m wondering if after the move, if you guys get married, etc is he still going to be away a lot? If so, this might not be the relationship for you.
It takes a really strong person to cope with their spouse being away for long periods of time. It’s something I’m sure I couldn’t do.
Post # 5
@JemmaWRX: I’m sorry you feel lost. 4 years is long enough to “know”someone though. What exactly are you doubtful of? If my SO was away for such long periods of time and decided to take a trip for a few months without me I’d be pissed. Maybe time is what you need right now. July is only 3 months away!
Post # 6
@JemmaWRX: Sorry Obvs this was meant for OP crazy IPad:)
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
It sounds like you are feeling pretty isolated and perhaps suffering from depression or anxiety. Is there a therapist in your area you can speak with? Having someone to talk to will help you feel less alone and more supported, as well as enabling you to learn coping mechanisms for when times are tough. You need to be able to take care of yourself and not lay it all on him being there.
Post # 8
i was engaged to someone in the military who was often away for very long periods of time, and it just wasn’t for me. he absolutely loved it and wasn’t willing to change, and i knew i couldn’t live with it so we ended it. it was definitely the best decision for both of us. now i’m engaged to someone who wouldn’t want to leave me for a week, let alone months, and overall he wants the same things in life as i do.
Post # 9
My best friend is a military wife, she and her husband married and lived in seperate countries for the first 6 months. When its true love no amount of time or distance matters and if you arent sure if you can cope then maybe this just isnt for you and theres no harm in that. I definitely couldnt be an army wife i miss my Fiance when hes at work 9-5 lol.
Post # 10
@Mrs. Cherry Pie: Thank you for this reply. I feel like it helped me wake up a bit. I have been laying everything on him lately and I am feeling depressed and full of anxiety. Every conversation we have is full of my insecurity and I cry constantly. It almost as though my low self-esteem and depression are what is holding me back in this whole thing. I feel like I’m just not good enough for him sometimes. I do feel very alone and I feel alone even when I’m with him, family and friends. I’ve been this way for a while now. I feel myself making him crazy but it’s like I can’t help it.
Post # 11
@aparana: *hugs* what are your thoughts on going to therapy? not even couples counseling but individual therapy for you. It sounds like you need some support right now. A therapist could help you talk through not only your uncertainty about your relationship but also the anxiety and depression that you are going through. It sounds like you guys can work it out, it just sucks that he’s gone so much that it makes it hard to work through things.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
Your feelings are totally normal. I miss my Fiance if he’s away for a day! Some people can be a military bride and cope with the LDR parts and some just can’t and there ‘s no shame in that. If this is his life career plan you might be very unhappy if you marry him. Would he be willing to give up his job to be with you within the next few years? If not realistically I don’t think he’s the right man for you.
Post # 13
I think you made the right choice to postpone. You should feel secure and happy with yourself & with your relationship before getting married. I agree with the others, for severe anxiety therapy could really help. Also make sure you’re doing things on your own when he’s away. Hang out with friends & fam, maybe find a new activity you love. Postponing until you’re in a better place is a very mature and courageous decision – you should be proud of yourselves for doing whats best for you.