We screwed up my engagement ring big time. Help?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
1512 posts
Bumble bee

I would have stopped wearing the cz after x months (whatever was reasonable to you). I understand your frustration. 

Why can’t you take the ring back? Honestly I would stop wearing anything and give his mom’s ring back. And thank him for the loaner. Tell him to let you know when he’s prepared to make it permanent.  

The bigger problem is you now have resentment. 

Post # 3
112 posts
Blushing bee

Your feelings need to be communicated to your partner. Not when you’re angry or upset. You don’t want or need another argument right now. In the furture you need to be very clear with what you want, men are quite literal people, you told him that the ring wasn’t as important as him…and he heard ‘the ring isn’t important’. I think you need to calmly talk to him and explain that you’ve realised that having a ring you want to wear is important to you because of its sigmificance. Is he worried about the cost? Maybe come up with a price together, discuss what he would be willing to spend on it. 

Post # 4
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m confused. You went ring shopping without your fiancé. You felt pressured and gave in to sales pressure. You regret rushing and buying a ring you don’t love. 

How is any of that your finances fault? You seem to be blaming him for your buyers remorse because he wasn’t taking an active role in buying the ring. If anything, he should be mad at you for spending $2,700 without consulting him, after he asked you to wait. 

As far as how to fix this, I would admit to him that you felt pressured by sales people to buy the ring, and that you are having buyers remorse. You can decide together what to do about that. Maybe you sell the ring for a loss and save up for your “dream ring.” Maybe you can buy a higher quality CZ to wear as a stand in. However, I don’t think you have anything to be mad at your fiancé about here. 

Post # 6
5868 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Did you make it clear you wanted his input? Honestly from your description – having a placeholder ring and picking a permanent one later, I would assume you would just be picking the ring yourself. 

How many times did he go shopping with you? I think it’s confusing to tell him the ring isn’t that important and then get annoyed when he doesn’t want to research jewellers and designs etc as much as you do.

Plus you say you dont even want a ring now, but you already have one that you spent 2.7k on, are you just going to dump that in a drawer now?

Post # 7
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

kholt4 :  That’s great that you guys have already talked about this and are moving forward. I’m still not surprised or concerned that your fiancé was not interested in helping you pick out the ring. You seem to be very specific with what you want, so I’m not sure what help you wanted from him. Most men are not that interested in jewelry. 

For what it’s worth, I drive my husband nuts when I take him shopping. I want to test drive ten cars before picking one. He knows exactly what car he wants, finds the best price and goes to buy it. He always tells me to do the research myself, and let him know when I’ve made a decision. My researching and indecisiveness drives him nuts. I’m not sure if this is a common difference between men and women, but it’s definitely come up a few times in our marriage. (Most recently when I wanted to go furniture shopping) 

Post # 8
290 posts
Helper bee

I understand people wanting a placeholder if they wanted a surprise engagement but wanted to pick out their own ring. But you wanted a placeholder because you knew finances were an issue. How did you expect that to magically improve in less than 2 months?? And if you knew it would only take 2 months for finances to improve could you not just have waited til then to get your ring?

Post # 9
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think the lesson here is to really think before you say something and to make sure it is 100% your truth so that you can own your words and actions. TBH I had an absolutely disastrous time with my engagement ring. I gave my husband some ideas and he bought something that I did not care for (I also wanted a blue sapphire with a plain band). I wore it anyway and then unfortunately lost it (freezing cold day and it slipped off my numb finger in the city). I made a very hasty decision and bought a stupidly expensive ring to replace it because I felt so awful (my husband was with me and was not at all mad). Anyway the ring was a bit of a disaster because I don’t do well with dainty jewelry and the stone was just not safe. We sent it off to a custom jewelers to get reset. I wanted my husband to design it so it was from him. He showed me the sketches and it was just awful, nothing like I had suggested. I worked with him to do the next design. It wasn’t great, but we went with it. I was…not my best self and was a bit cranky when he gave it to me because I thought it looked…not like how I had pictured. The whole thing was a disaster from start to finish and it took about $10k that we really didn’t have to spend. My poor husband was supportive the entire time and I felt very ashamed that I got so wrapped up in it. It’s 3 years later and I still feel a bit guilty about what a twerp I was and how much money we spent. The ring has grown on me, because it’s mine. It’s my engagement ring and my husband really likes it and that counts for a lot. I have learned my lesson not to wear a ring on my finger during the winter. When we are done having kids I will probably get a sizer type thing so that I can wear it throughout the year without fear of having it fall off. 

You made a comment about wanting to have something to show to your friends and family. That really stands out to me. You have your fiance and that the fact that you’re engaged! That’s absolutely wonderful and more than enough to focus on and talk about. Yes, people seem to be all about the bling and to really expect it, but bling doesn’t create or foster a good relationship. I wear a simple $50 silicone ring for half the year. There was a time when that would have bothered me, but I got my head on straight. You’ll get there eventually. Give it time and none of this stuff will matter. Try to work on processing your feelings and letting them go. You seem hurt that your fiance didn’t read between the lines and understand just how important this is to you and therefore that has compounded the importance of this ring. I think an apology and an explanation are in order. Perhaps a very humble request that he help you figure this mess out. Have you taken your ring to a jeweler to see how much it’s worth. Resale is usually nothing compared to the price you pay, but it could help to recoup some money. If he does undertake the role of picking out a ring for you, you’d really have to step back and sincerely be ok with whatever he gets (note that a lot of people are not great mindreaders and it may be even further from what you want than the ring you impulse bought).

A last option would be to give him the ring and let him choose a moment to present it to you that would add the personal touch, give you a nice story for this particular ring, and perhaps endear it to you a bit more. 

I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s so easy to get caught up in, but it’s good practice for wedding planning! Let stuff go. It’s just stuff. Really. 

Post # 10
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

kholt4 :  You move forward by just doing that….moving forward and stop placing these negative feelings on a ring.

The ring is a symbol – you said that yourself.  So why are you getting so upset?

Your fiance had a legitimate concern for waiting to get you a new ring, but you’re the one that jumped the gun and just had to have something immediately. We all fall for sales pressure, that’s just what sometimes happens.  It’s not your fiance’s fault.

And some guys are just not into the whole ring buying process.  Some guys are very hands off because they know their girlfriend is very particular, some guys get overwhelmed, and for other guys the ring is just a piece of jewelry.  Sounds like your boyfriend was the first because you described what you wanted.

At this point I’d just move on.  It sounds like a pretty ring.

Post # 11
509 posts
Busy bee

kholt4 :  Maybe this will sound really silly, but why don’t you give him the teal sapphire ring and let him give it back to you at a sweet moment. Kind of like a re-proposal? Or let him give it to you at the wedding, so it will have some positive emotions attached to it?

Post # 12
11133 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kholt4 :  

Here’s the thing, Bee.  If the ring has a “no exchange” policy, you’re done with that part.  It’s yours.  Continued self flagellation is not improving your situation. 

You could try to sell it, and take the financial hit. Then you would be done with the thing. File it under lessons learned.

Or you could cowgirl up, accept that you didn’t use the best judgment and focus on managing your largely misguided anger toward your fiancé. He probably did the best he could. Holding onto your anger is not going to help your relationship.

You can also accept that a ring is nothing more than an object. It’s our choice to imbue them with symbolism. It’s your choice whether to accept using the teal ring as an engagement ring, as a PP suggested. It will have the meaning that you and your fiancé give it.

Alternatively, you can use it as a right hand ring.

Through this entire debacle, you seem to have become fixated on rings, losing some perspective. 

My suggestion would be to have a calm, adult discussion with your fiancé.  Get his input. How does he really feel about your impulsively buying a ring? What would he like to see happen?  Does it line up with what you want?  Can you open calm, rational negotiations? After you marry, you will be doing lots of negotiating.  Get used to it.

Stop ruminating about how much you regret buying the teal ring. It’s done. Wasting energy on wishing you hadn’t done it is not productive.  Put the energy into healing yourself and your relationship.

Why not post a pic of the teal ring?

Post # 13
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

kholt4 :  Can you show us the ring? 

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.  I don’t think it’s the ring that is the problem, but the feelings attached to it.  You say “I just feel like I wasn’t heard no matter what I said and asked” and “feeling hurt and abandoned and down right angry, both at FH and myself.”  I think you fix this by addressing those feelings and getting to the root of the issue, and not by thinking the problem is the ring.  A new ring won’t solve this, returning the ring won’t either. 

Talk to your fiance. There are going to be times in your relationship where you let each other and yourselves down.  If you’re going to work through those times, you need to work on forgiveness, of him and yourself.

Post # 14
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I get it. You wanted him to care about the ring. He didn’t. You were upset and wanted the shopping to be over so you impulse bought something. I do that too…I fixate and shop and obsess and then when something seems okay it’s like eff it! Let’s just get it! It’s always more about timing than the thing itself. And then I always regret it. 

I don’t at all think you sound materialistic or shallow or anything else a few other bees are implying. This is supposed to be important, and right, and it wasn’t. That sucks. I’m really sorry. 

The ring is filling you with anger when you look at it…you need to get it out of your life. Maybe you can replace the sapphire or the setting, or you can just sell it. It represents a moment you regret, a moment with your friend and with salespeople and not with your Fiance. I think, accept that it was a mistake, and cut your losses. Talk to your Fiance about how hard this is and how much you want his input. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Good luck, girl! Don’t be afraid to admit you made a mistake and go forward from there.

Post # 15
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College

Show us the ring.

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