(Closed) We seem to ALL go through it..What is it with MILs!?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I love my Future Mother-In-Law. I really do. But she is making planning this wedding a living nightmare. Everything is about her and she is so dang controlling. She is causing all and any wedding-related stress that I have! We have had conversations with her about how she is making me feel and it never seems to change everything. I’m glad I’m not alone, I guess. Ugh. 

Post # 18
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

There is no way in HELL I will ever be as bad as my Future Mother-In-Law has been to me over the years. I may not agree with my future children’s partner or like them very much but as long as they are not being abusive, getting my child into trouble or on drugs then I will always support my child. My Future Mother-In-Law is pure crazy and evil. I’ve never ever ever done anything to her and about 6-7 years ago she just turned on me. I was always respectful, always gracious, when we bought our house it was like a switch flipped in her head and I was this evil person suddenly. I could go on for hours lol but honestly there is no way I’d be that mean to anyone and certainly not to someone my child had an ongoing long term relationship with.

 

Post # 19
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

I think my Future Mother-In-Law is undiagnosed bipolar. When I started seeing my SO she was so sweet and nice, but he constantly told me that it was an act, and not to think that that’s how she really is IRL. About a year into our relationship is when I started to get to know the real her. She is totally back and forth on everything. One minute we can be laughing and joking at the dinner table, and then suddenly someone went too far for her comfort and she’s all huffy puffy, but won’t ever say anything to anyone about what hurt her feelings. 

Our most recent experience was when SO and I moved in together. We have been together for five years, but I am only 20, so I was in HS for three of those years. We figured we’d move out of our parents’ houses and in together as soon as I graduated, but we realized we needed time to save and get better jobs to afford the apartment that was to our standards. We ended up moving out in August 2013, but had been looking at apartments and all of the information needed for a good 4 years. We chose our apartment because it is about halfway between SO’s job and my school/job. It is on the outskirts of a relatively bad place to live, but we found a SUPER nice, gated apartment that is still relatively low cost due to its location. There is absolutely nothing unsafe about our complex, and it’s filled with people in the same situation as we are. We found our apartment in May, and we pretty much told his mom about it right away. She had a meltdown saying anything from we are going to die living in this city to we are going to be house poor because we chose an apartment with higher rent (we did, but we have a roommate). 

She decided to take matters into her own hands, and found us the “perfect” apartment. It was about half the size of our current apt, and the big kicker is that it is literally about three houses down from my SO’s parents’ house LOL. I’m like uh, we are moving out to live together if we wanted to basically live with you we would continue to do so. She said it was so we could come over for dinner all the time when we discover we can’t afford food. 

It just pissed me off so much when she said that because I know we are young, but that doesn’t mean we are idiots! She acts all high and mighty because she has more life experience. I’m glad to take advice, but to be honest I would never come to her for advice because they are in a ton of debt and pretty much would rent any house while my SO was growing up due to that. When she came to our apartment when we were moving in she even made snarky comments to my mom. Since we knew we’d be moving in together we started buying things we’d need for the apartment so we didn’t have to buy everything all at once. When Future Mother-In-Law saw all of our really nice stuff she said something to my mom like, “wow, they aren’t going to experience living poor like I did when I moved out!” and my mom was like, “yeah, but I’m glad that they did their homework and seem to have made the right choices. Their place is going to be nice, blahblahblah.” She just huffed and walked away. Like she WANTS us to live in a crappy place! LOL

Post # 20
Member
7320 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There’s an old saying that goes, “A son is a son ’til he finds a wife; a daughter’s a daughter all of her life.” And while that may not hold true for everyone, it is true that men tend to maintain much less contact with their parents and siblings than do women, and women within a marriage tend to make most of the social arrangements for the couple, meaning that many couples naturally spend more time with the woman’s family.

I am lucky/unlucky in the sense that DH’s mum passed before I ever met him. So I’ve never had a Mother-In-Law, but she must have been an amazing woman to have raised such a wonderful man. I wish I could have met her.

Ultimately, I think most mums MEAN well. It is just hard to stop being a parent when a child reaches adulthood, so the things a parent might have said or done in the past are suddenly unacceptable or misinterpreted. A mum spends most of her child’s life trying to prepare him or her for the world and trying to help. It is hard for a lot of people to suddenly become completely hands-off when their child becomes an adult.

Post # 21
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@helpabeeoutplease:  I think my Future Mother-In-Law is nice to me because her Mother-In-Law was(is) NOT nice to her. A few months before we got engaged she said something snarky about him spending time with me for his birthday instead of a family event. He told her she sounded like her Mother-In-Law and it was offensive to him that she was disrespecting me.

I am so glad he had my back and put the squash on it immediately. She has been a peach since. We make a constant effort to make sure we are fair with our time and invite them to visit us as much as we visit them. It seems to have worked out.

Post # 22
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think a lot of the issues I read about on the bee stem from the sons being mama’s boys. They don’t stand up for their future wives and they try to cater to their mothers regardless of how insane the demands are. I had one issue with my Mother-In-Law and my husband immediately stepped up and told her how it’s going to be if she wants to be in our lives. She’s a real peach to me now 😛 I could care less if it’s fake because I don’t have time to deal with anyone’s shit. We rarely see her anyway. 

Post # 23
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

Fortunately my Future Mother-In-Law is really sweet and caring. It only becomes an issue when my FH wants to do things that will make her happy (canceling our plans to do what she wants instead) because he doesn’t want to disappoint here. We’ve discussed it and it’s 100x better than it was.

Unfortunately my mom and my grandmother have never seen eye to eye. My grandmother has 5 sons and she wanted my dad to be a priest (she’s a huge Catholic)! Mom and dad got pregnant, had a shotgun wedding and my grandmother told my mom she was trapping her son 🙁 I am really proud of the way my mom has always treated my grandmother with civility, kindness and respect even if my grandmother can still be kind of rude to her.

Post # 24
Member
1784 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My Mother-In-Law and me get along very, very well. Love her! The only thing that consistently bothers me is her mentioned how the money we have budgeted for the wedding would be ‘better spent’ on pretty much anything else. Oh well!

Post # 25
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have only ever had one or two little bumps along the road with my Future Mother-In-Law in the 8 years that Fiance and I have been together, thank goodness. We get along really well! It also helps that we moved an hour away from his family (and mine), so there are no unexpected drop-ins, and we don’t see them all that often. I wouldn’t have it any other way, lol.

 

Post # 26
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@helpabeeoutplease:  I never had any issues with my Mother-In-Law during wedding planning. None. My in-laws were great throughout the entire thing. My husband is their ONLY child, not just their only son, and they LOVE the fact that they gained a daughter. I truly don’t get this whole “losing a son” thing that some MILs go through (unless it is justified, of course).

Heck, DH’s mom referred to me as her DAUGHTER when she and I would go shopping together long before DH and I were ready to get engaged, and our relationship has only gotten better as time goes on.

Honestly, his parents are just SO WONDERFUL, I don’t ever see us having a huge argument ever. They are just those types of people. However, both DH and I seem to have parents that are slightly of the older crowd (my parents are in their younger 60s while his are in their older 60s) for our age (26 and 27). Most of our friends’ parents are in their late 40s/early 50s. In fact, one of our friend’s grandparents are the same age as my in-laws.

So maybe it has to do with age? Who knows.

Post # 27
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think I had any issues with my Mother-In-Law. She did want me to use microphones & disposable silverware/stoneware, but when I told her that wasn’t happening she dropped it. That was about it. When we got married she hugged me and thanked me for making her son happy.

Post # 28
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I started dating DH at a time when he began to “break” some of the (many) expectations that his parents had set up for him. For example, he chose not to return to his hometown after college. So, from then on, I was to blame for everything he did that wasn’t “right” (not what they had expected of him). I think it was easier for her to blame me than to accept that perhaps her son didn’t want the life she had envisioned for him, though of course he is an adult and can make his own decisions. It didn’t help that his older siblings had abided by these expectations – DH was the first one to “step out of line”. He was also the first of his siblings to get married. She saw this has her last time that she could set up these expectations for him – so she tried to make demands. I think now, she doesn’t know how to repair the relationship with either of us. I feel sorry for her, I guess, because she could have had a great relationship with me and therefore a better relationship with her son, but she chose to take the hard road. DH would like a better relationship with her, and I would like that for him, but I think he’s just tired of it. 

Post # 29
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@helpabeeoutplease:  I might be in the minority, by my Future Mother-In-Law hasn’t been pushy at all. She actually hasn’t even had an opinion other than “it’s your wedding, do what you want.”  Even for the parts of the wedding that they are paying for. She didn’t even care what I got or wanted to see the arrangements (they are paying for the flowers). She just signed the contract and handed over the deposit. 

Post # 30
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
@starsinthesky:  my mom has the Mother-In-Law from hell, she really does, and when I was growing up, she always said she would never treat anyone my brother brings home like her Mother-In-Law treats her!

Well….my mom is now the Mother-In-Law from hell herself, though far less imposing than her Mother-In-Law was to her. I keep trying to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that she is treating my SIL the way she said she never would, but she doesn’t get it. She just says, “I’m not being mean to her, I’m just looking out for my son!” 

She’s lovely to her son-in-laws, but I feel for her DIL (my SIL). 

Post # 31
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

the guy I used to date in high school had satan’s mistress for a mother. She treated me horribly. Would walk into a room with 4 people + me and hug the 4 people, and ignore me- even after I had been dating her son for three years. She spread untrue rumors about me throughout my high school about me doing sexual stuff with other guys- PEOPLE, I am still a virgin to this very day. She did everything she could to get him to break up with me. She would tell him that I was nervous around her and I must be hiding something. The next time I would see her I would try to be more casual and then she would say I was disrespectful. She once told him to relay a message to me- “tell FutureMrsT1221 to make sure every sentence she addresses me she ends it with Mrs L_______” This woman was a nightmare. I still have self esteem issues from dealing with her BS for 4 years. She eventually got him to break up with me. Best day of my life, looking back. 

I have the sweetest Future Mother-In-Law now. She calls me her daughter and truly treats me that way. We talk and spend time together, she is always getting me gifts and texting me while I’m up at college to ask how I am. She is so warm and kind. I will never take it for granted after my first experience.

The topic ‘We seem to ALL go through it..What is it with MILs!?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors