(Closed) we set a date and FMIL *could* make it, but doesn't *want* to–your advice?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: how strongly would you weight a MIL's request to change your wedding date?
    she's a VIP in this situation, too. pick a date that makes her happy, even if you hate it. : (4 votes)
    5 %
    change the date to one that's better for her, but only if FILs are helping pay for the wedding. : (6 votes)
    7 %
    this is the couple's choice, so unless she truly can't make it, don't change it just for her. : (74 votes)
    88 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Honestly, it isn’t that she CAN’T make it, so I think it’s a little unreasonable. She’s been waiting 2 years for the trip, but some people wait their whole lives for a wedding!

    Explain the situation to her and reassure her that nothing major will happen between when she gets back and the wedding so she will have plenty of time to rest in between and then I think she’ll come around if she’s a reasonable person.

    Post # 6
    Member
    4046 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would give her maybe 2-3 days to recover from jet lag, unwind, unpack, do laundry, catch up on mail, etc. She may also want a day to get her hair done, manicure, etc.

    But I don’t think more than that should be necessary. Is she unusally adverse to travel and will be so anxious that she needs more time?  It doesn’t sound like there is too much to do so not sure what the issue is. I would go ahead with your date!

    Post # 7
    Member
    6221 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

    Yeah, I wouldn’t change it. Maybe you can give her a spa certificate or something to help her unwind after the trip?

    Post # 9
    Member
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Oh wow, that’s a bummer situation!

    I know that if I were getting back from an international trip and had to go to a family wedding days later it would be stressful, and I’d be frazzled, but it would definitely be doable. 

    Do they have to travel to your wedding? I could also understand her being worried about all the travel plans coming together in those few days if they do live away from your wedding area.

    But, in the end, I think she’s being pretty unreasonable. Have FH (not you, definitely FH) discuss it with her. Have him tell her that there won’t be a ton she has to do for the wedding, and basically it’s whatever she needs to do to get herself ready, which could feasibly be done in a day (hair, nails, picking out an outfit…). Let her know that you understand that it’ll be a stressful week for her, but that you’d love it if she could enjoy the day with you two.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @kjthomps:  Keep your date since there is more than enough time in between the two events. Also do NOT feel guilty if she does not go to Europe…although that would suck for your Future Father-In-Law, it is totally HER choice and that would be entirely on her. I’m pretty sure Future Father-In-Law is a grown man and would tell her that himself!

    Post # 11
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    OMG I didn’t know someone else had a problem like this too!  So here is what I had happen. Fiance and I choose a date then we got engaged. (Backwards I know) So I found the venue I wanted in the price range and we went to see it the 2 days after we got engaged. (Okay we knew we were going to get engaged he was just waiting for the right moment to pop the question). So we set the date June 22nd and told all the important players.  Well Fiance brother and best man comes back saying his wife and daughter are in another wedding that weekend in NY. We are in VA and I felt like okay they are college friends and we are family aren’t we more important? Well we called back the venue and they had an opening on June 15th. So we decided perfect June 15th it is.  Oh also all my family and bridal party said “it’s your wedding we will be there no matter what”.  FI’s mother said June wasn’t the best for her.  Well we graduate college May 18th and need to be moved into PA dso Fiance can start his job July 1 so we decided to go with June 15th even though it wasn’t the best for his mother.

    Fast forward 2 weeks. FI’s mother tells him if he doesn’t move the wedding till September or 2014 she wont come to the wedding.  (Are you F-ing kidding me). We ended up having to have the future in-laws meet and a massive/awkward fight to get the wedding June 15th (We had everything booked at this point).  The wedding is still Juine 15th 2013 but FI’s mother is still mad at him and barely talks to him.

    Oh then this week his sister got an offer to go to Germany for extra work training for 5 weeks. She can go over FI’s college graduation and wedding or over the neice’s 1st birthday. We don’t know which she choose because FI’s doesn’t want to ask for fear she choose the niece over him.

    In conclussion so sorry you are having to do this. But stick to your date, Sunday to Wednesday will be plenty of turnaround time everything will be okay.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    From someone that goes back and forth between the east coast and Europe quite often, it’s going there that’s hard on you – not returning! If it was the opposite way around, I could understand her concern. Jet lag can affect you for up to a week (at least that’s my experience), but the recovery time from a trip back from Europe, not so much of a problem. You’re usually capable of functioning as normal the day after, or two days at tops. Anyway, none of this is really a problem as she doesn’t fill any other function than showing up. I would stick to the first date!

    Post # 13
    Member
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Honestly…

    IF this was your Mother, the Mother of the Bride… then I could see the issue more clearly… afterall MOB (and FOBs too) typically have a TON of responsibilities leading up to the Wedding.

    BUT, Mother of the Groom ???

    Uh, not so much.

    Sure there is the hosting of the Rehearsal Party… and wanting to look one’s best (rested, relaxed, a bit pampered) for that and the Wedding itself (hair, nails, etc)

    BUT UNLESS the Rehearsal Dinner is being held at her house… where things might be in a bit of chaos after a big trip (that I get having just returned from our 5 week Christmas Vacation / Honeymoon trip… and our own house looks like a Tornado ripped thru) then I vote…

    Sorry, no can do… we’ll be sticking with our originally planned date of September 20th

    BUT ya know to be fair, I think that sometimes people aren’t aware (or forget) how complicated / stressful Wedding Planning can be…

    So by your Future Mother-In-Law suggesting to change the date … she probably is thinking it is just a matter of you saying “oh sure no problem, we’ll do it the following weekend”… she probably has no idea that venues are chock-a-block busy and booked up now a year or more in advance.

    And that you can’t just put it off by a week… you’d have to put it off by a whole month… and a month later in New York can make a world of difference in regards to weather (more rain and cold in October vs September)… and that could effect a lot more things in the long run (look of venue from outside – photos – comfort of guests – even things like decor you choose, or food etc)

    This is a tough spot to be in as the Bride… because you want to get off to a good start with the Inlaws… so in many ways it would be “easier” to just change the date (less drama)… BUT at the same time you do have lots of valid reasons why changing it would be more stressful / problematic for the two of you … than the reasons she might have (unless I am missing something here in the details in regards to the Inlaws role / logistics… such as having to fly in to the Wedding in another location from where they live etc)

    At any rate… you should not be the one to do this alone … either you and your Fiance present this together to the Inlaws… or he does it solo.  (In my mind, together is better… because it’ll show you are already of a common front… and he isn’t being manipulated by you).  BUT there is nothing wrong with your Fiance talking to Mom one-on-one to get a better grasp on what her concerns actually are

    As others have said, there are probably ways to alleviate some of her stressing out over this… be it a spa certificate, or finding her a helper / coordinator for the Rehearsal Dinner & Party

    As an aside…

    Your Father-In-Law sounds like a charm… I’m guessing that with his comment “this is your day, and you should do what makes both of you happiest” that he is wisely choosing to give you two the nod without making waves with his wife… I’m guessing that this isn’t the first time he’s seen this kind of drama… “what about me”… coming from his wife.

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    If I were in your shoes, I think it would depend on how far along in planning I was and how much time I had before the big day. (I’m a bit of a people pleaser, ESPECIALLY with the FMIL!) If I had already booked my venue and most of my vendors, I would just tell her I wasn’t able to change things because I’d already put down deposits and would lose thousands of dollars if I tried to change the date at this point. Any reasonable person would understand that, plus she does have several days of turnaround between the trips. 

     

    However, if I weren’t super far along and the few vendors I’d booked were also available for the alternate date we’d discussed, I would consider changing the date. If you’re more than four of five months out and it wasn’t too big of a hassle, I’d just bite the bullet. It’s not always worth it to me to get my way, especially with a hard-headed FMIL! I prefer to choose my battles (like how we decide to raise our kids down the road, lol!). And it’s not that I’m a total pushover or selfless…. often it’s just less of a headache & helps me keep my sanity!!!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1066 posts
    Bumble bee

    My FMILs are travelling from Australia to europe then to NZ straight after to our wedding…It wasn’t a problem for them, but then we said this is our date 🙂

    Post # 16
    Member
    20 posts
    Newbee

    Oh hell no… I wouldn’t change it. Four full days to recover is more than enough – it sounds like she had ample opportunity to say something before you settled on and got used to the idea of the date you chose. Now that you (I assume) have an attachment to that date is not the time for her to say something. 

    Maybe talk to her (you or her son, or both) and explain that you already decided on and are attached to the date, and that she will have 3+ days to rest before she needs to do anything wedding related? I can’t imagine she would miss her child’s wedding over something like that, so I hope it all works out well for you!

    The topic ‘we set a date and FMIL *could* make it, but doesn't *want* to–your advice?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors