(Closed) We talked about a timeline… not what I was hoping.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Is he freaking about ruining your relationship by marrying, or something? He could be one of those guys who’s perfectly happy as things are, and afraid he’ll jinx it by making it formal and legal etc.

Post # 5
2821 posts
Sugar bee

Hmmm…..I know it’s most people’s advice to not pester about marriage but really after 4 years I think it’s perfectly reasonable to address concerns. 

‘A few years’ would not sit well with me either.  Why if he knows you’ll get married is a few years necessary.  If there are still issues to work out then you need to know what those issues are.  Otherwise this is some solo journey he’s taking and really that’s not good prep for a marriage. 

I’d try another talk, not a I want to get married right now talk but asking him what will change in a few years that will make him ready for marriage or what he’s still looking for out of your relationship or if it’s just some age he think he’ll be mature at.  There could be lots of reasons but ‘a few years’ is not a good reason. 

Post # 6
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry. I too would ask him what makes him want to wait a few years, what in his life will be different at that point, etc.

I’ve occasionally been upset in conversations in the past when my boyfriend would make comments about us getting engaged and married when it’s the right time for us…well, no…the right time for me was about a year ago. We will get engaged at that right time for him! I sometimes feel like I have no say in this…he knows my ideal timeline and it’s up to him to actually ask then or not.

Post # 7
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

How old is your SO?  I see that you are 20?  I hate to pull this card, but a lot of people (and especially guys) just aren’t ready at 20. 

Post # 9
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

It took my Fiance a lot longer to be ready for marriage than me.

I was ready a year and a half before him. Ya it was hard but he was definitely worth the wait! (We got engaged at 5.5 years together – living together for 4 of them)

Enjoy this part of the relationship and it will be so much better when he is ready for marriage!

Post # 10
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you need to repeat that question to yourself, what’s going to change in the next few years? I knew I was going to be with my Fiance years before we got engaged but there was no reason to rush into marriage. We were still together all those years and when we did get engaged, 5.5 years later, it felt right for both of us. Would you really feel good about getting engaged knowing you had to pressure your boyfriend into proposing? 

Post # 12
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree, find out what he’s waiting for. Sometimes guys just need to get over the initial freak-out of thinking of what they think they “want” (to get married someday…) vs the “reality” of how it applies to them  (timelines/etc).

Post # 13
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

All these things you are telling us, you need to make sure you are telling him. Does he know that you don’t want to buy a house with him if you aren’t married (and that’s a completely valid way to feel, don’t let him tell you otherwise). Sit down, have a big talk with him and then leave it for a few months. Hopefully you will have planted a seed with him that will grow into what you want. 

Post # 14
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just as a side note, I was adament that I wouldn’t buy a house with Fiance till we were at least engaged. When we first started dating he really wanted a house and 6 months in he wanted us to get a house. I told him no way uness we were married/engaged. Now we’re getting married in less than 2 months and still don’t have a house because all our money went towards the wedding. Don’t let him tell you you need to get a house together before you get engaged or married if you don’t want to. Stick to that if that’s what you really believe 🙂

Post # 15
47 posts

Another poster commented on age but I don’t know if it was addressed; maybe that’s a factor? Are you guys in school, or just starting out career-wise? I’m not making any assumptions, because people are at many different stages in their early 20s, but I know at least for me (I’m 22), saving up because I’m in grad school and he’s just starting out in his job field was a big factor in how long I’ve had to wait! That being said, I don’t blame you for being frustrated, and I agree that after that long, you definitely have the right to want to know. It sucks how the decision lies in the guys’ hands haha.

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