Post # 1
Hello girls. So I’ve been with my bf for 4 years, we’ve had a lot of arguments we’ve also had great moments , but on the whole it’s been a complicated relationship. Our outlook on life is different , our lives and the way we were raised are different, at the beginning of the relationship he begged me to start bc I was so indecisive about it since I was anticipating the problems we would have and I wasn’t wrong , we’ve had many problems bc of that and I don’t really recommend starting a relationship that you feel is not going to be smooth, but since he begged me , I decided to give it a try .
We don’t live together which has been a great idea bc, personally I think that when you live together its easier to try and fix things in your mind to tell yourself everything’s OK (when it’s not ) rather than opening your eyes to realize who your with bc it implies moving out heartbroken . I don’t mean I’m not kind of heartbroken, bc it hurts, but it’s more beneficial for the both of us. Also, it’s been a radical way to tell him that if he wants me completely he’s got to be committed .
So we’ve had fights, and I was so discouraged last year, that I felt the urge to break up (we weren’t engaged at that time) and I did bc i didn’t feel he was as committed to the relationship as I was. We had talked about getting married since the very beginning , but nothing had happened. All that and our constant fighting led me to finish our thing, but once more he begged me. I didn’t understand why if he seemed to be discouraged, he was begging me to stay. We continued together and in January this year he proposed to me and I said yes and we were happy.
Since January , the fighting thing aggravated and we were both so hurt already that it was difficult to be motivated even being engaged . I said no more and this time it was me who begged for a time apart, for a break and after explaining him and showing him the reasons for taking the break (which was frustrating to me, bc that showed me he wasn’t aware of the things that were happening to us) he agreed. I asked for advice, analyzed our situation and prayed about it, and jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to give it a last try, but I also am convinced of the fact that in this moment he doesn’t want to think about planning a wedding (although I’m sure he wants to marry me) and that’s the reason why I decided to call our engagement off. I just don’t feel OK knowing that our engagement was a result of my nagging , but also another reason why I’m putting it off is bc when trying to talk about our wedding budget and stuff some months ago he avoided the topic.
Yes, I’m a bit hurt by that but my mind is clearer now . You have no idea of how confused i was a couple of weeks ago . I want to know what you all think and what you’d have done in my shoes . And also if you have some above for me , it’s welcome. Thank you so much.
Post # 2
If the guy isn’t right for you, ending the engagement is the right thing to do, Bee. It’s hard to offer any more than that as your post is very vague in regards to what your relationship was all about.
Post # 3
Honestly it seems like you have been looking for a reason to break up with him/call off the engagement. I suggest some soul searching on if he is who you want to be with at all and if you ever really did.
Post # 4
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard and, in my opinion, on-again, off-again relationships are almost always a bad idea to continue unless both parties have made major changes that make them more compatible/less toxic to be with.
This relationship sounds like a mess you both refuse to move on from but you’d probably be better off if you did.
Post # 5
It sounds like you haven’t been all in on the relationship from the start. You repeatedly say you stayed with him or dated him only because he begged you. Yet you also say you talked about marriage from the start. It sounds like you don’t want to fully commit, but you expect him to. It almost sounds like you’re playing games, and want him to continually prove himself to you and chase you.
This doesn’t sound like a good relationship considering the reservations you have, and have had, since the very beginning. Move on, and find someone you actually want to be with.
Post # 6
anamg : I suggest you work even harder at trusting your own instincts. You were right from the beginning in hestitsting over dating him.
No one is owed a relationship with us, so his begging should not change your assessment of your compatibility.
Alao, I’ve learned that people who beg and pressure in relationships are often doing it because they are not offering the basic ingredients needed in a relationship, like mutual respect and accountability and treating their oartner’s concerns as equal to their own.
Post # 7
anamg : You didn’t really give any detail as to what you’re always fighting about but it sounds like this relationship has been a battle the entire time. And that’s definitely not good. In my mind “breaks” aren’t really a thing anyway. A break is a break up. And in this case, it sounds like that’s a good thing. You should never marry someone (or agree to marry someone) unless you’re 110% sure you want to be with them forever.
Post # 8
Thank you. All of you are right. And yes, I guess i need to tell you more about our fighting.
The main reason why we fight is bc I’m a church girl and he’s not. There. I said it. And since the beginning I should’ve given more importance to the fact that we were so different, bc instead I made the mistake of believing he was going to change (and I learnt the hard way I can’t change anyone except myself). Not only was it a mistake bc it didn’t happen but also bc before starting the relationship, I should’ve thought about was I completely sure to start it or not, and that way I would’ve been able to fall in love with who he was and not with who he would be in the future. I accept my big mistake, and I just don’t know how to solve that.
But that hasn’t been the only issue. And at this point I’ll mention the reason I’m discouraged by the most. He’s so scared to face life, to try new things, too leave his comfort zone, and I feel he promises things just to calm the waves down, but as soon as he sees we’re OK again, he forgets all about that, and i can’t believe when he promises me things. He’s also afraid of leaving home. Actually, that was my biggest concern when we talked some months ago before deciding on the break. He had promised to marry me but I confronted him with “I don’t picture you leaving home, staying away from your mum” and he actually accepted that.
Now that I’ve decided I want to give our thing a last try, can you give me some advice on how to help him overcome that fear? Also, I need advice, I don’t know if I have what it takes to continue with this.
Post # 9
des- : well, maybe it’s quite true, but also I realized that after some months in the relationship, I started to really fall in love and I really am in love with him, and that’s why I want to give our relationship another chance, bc I want to believe this time we’ll be both more mature to understand each other’s needs.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
anamg : You cant change who someone is. You two are fundamentally different; that can either work for you or against you as a couple. You need to accept that he doesnt share your faith. You need to accept that he’s comfortable being comfortable and doesnt feel the need to have grand adventures. You can be adventurous but you may need to find someone else to have adventures with (a friend or relative) knowing he’ll be home to tell all your stories to when you get back. It’s all about expectations and expecting him to change so he fits into the idea you have of what your relationship would look like is not OK. Love him for who he is or find someone who is better suited to you. But for the love of god, please stop breaking up with him and making him beg you to take him back. Either you want to be with him as he is or you dont, stop toying with the poor guy!
Post # 11
Bee, take our advice we’re all saying the same thing: do not look back.
You have learned some but not enough.
He will not change.
You cannot make him change.
You are not a right fit. It’s not going to ever fit.
Please don’t waste your time with him. It doesn’t make you or him a bad person, per say, and without all the context, I won’t even go there..it just makes you not fit and that’s OK.
The begging is a huge sign of insecurity. And you giving into him is just enabling his bad behavior.
If Church and God are your priority, find someone whose priorities match up with yours.
Good luck to you,
Post # 12
anamg : your values re church are not in alignment. This can be a pretty big deal. He is also a mama’s boy.
can you list the reasons why you think this can be a successful marriage, because love, as a feeling instead of actions, is not enough, sadly.
don’t you want a partner who will support and uplift you re your own values and have your back?
Post # 13
All I can tell you is, it should never be this difficult.
When you find a truly good one, it’ll be eeeaaassy.
Post # 14
I’m sorry bee. I hope you’re at peace now with your decision. You put forth a lot of time and effort into your relationship.
Post # 15
Thanks again to all of you for your help. Well, my final decision is to continue with him. I’ve thought about and considered everything you told me here and I’m really glad for your advice.
This time I’m really really trying to make our relationship work. I noticed that in my previous “tries” I was so hurt that I couldn’t really get to try. And yes, I know there are so many odds, but I’ll never know if it could’ve worked if I don’t really try one more time after deciding to value who he really is and thinking about all the good things about him and why we fell in love.
If it doesn’t work, it won’t be a long time anyways. But there’s only one way to find out.