Post # 1
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
Ug, I am posting a followup to my earlier post about how my fiance was acting suspicious about his interactions with another girl. Things got better. I rationally talked to him about how I want him to go out and have fun with his friends and have a good time, even if I am working and cannot join. I reminded him that I never had any issues about where he was, who he was with, or jealous of his interactions with women in any way. I brought up the fact that this one girl kept inappropriately flirting with him on social media (to the point where one of my own friends reached out to me and asked if Fiance and I had broken up; she assumed he was now seeing the girl who flirts with him online), and it was not okay with me that she feels it is fine to interact with an engaged man in such a way. he agreed and said he would talk to her. Things then got better. Until last night.
Side note: I do not follow his instagram. The stalking was making me crazy so I stopped. I do get rare updates from the friend mentioned above.
He calls me last night at 3am, I am at work, and was napping. The call wakes me up so I take it. He sounds pretty drunk, but is telling me how much he loves me and how perfect I am for him. We hang up, and i see I have a text from the friend mentioned above. It is a screenshot of the overly-flirty girl’s instagram page; more specifically a photo of herself. Fiance had commented “love my kitty” to this photo of her about an hour before he called me. From earlier photos, I have seen they referred to each other as “kitty” (which is weird…). My heart sinks to the floor and I call him back. He says he has no idea what i am talking about. The call drops, and I call back multiple times and he either rejects or ignores them. I text saying please be honest with me and to explain what it means. I get no repsonse. twelve hours later he texts me saying “i’m so confused about what happened last night.” I ignored that. Also, his love comment is gone off her page today.
Thoughts? is there any way I am overreacting? can that mean anything other than he loves her?
Post # 3
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
@anonconfused: Well men say “I love you” when they don’t mean it all the time… but that doesn’t mean it’s ok. Calling another woman a pet name along with “love”… especially a woman you are uncomfortable with? Yeah- that would NOT be ok with me at all.
Post # 4
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
@anonconfused: You don’t deserve this. Clearly this guy is at the VERY least flirting with this girl (and it sounds like more)… which is not fair to you or appropriate for an engaged guy. If this sort of crap is happening now, what happens when you’re married? When you have a kid?
Why is he going out super late drinking without you? It just doesn’t sound like the behavior of a happily committed guy.
Post # 5
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
@canarydiamond: i work crazy hours so am not at home for long stretches of time. last night he was out with a visiting family member.
Post # 6
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
also, i will add i feel like I do not have the ability to be upset with him. He does not take criticism and even when he does something wrong, I find myself apologizing to him for being upset over something hurtful. I recognize this is not healthy.
If the comment was innocent, wouldn’t he just try to explain it? not avoid me and delete it?
Post # 7
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
@anonconfused: Even if nothing is actually “happening” with this girl, the comments are extremely flirtatious and that alone is unacceptable. You are right- he can’t “explain” the comment because there is no way for it to be “totally innocent”. He knows he’s being inappropriate, that is why he is defensive and secretive.
Post # 8
Member
14 posts
Newbee
You should trust your feelings and instincts because they are usually right. Yes, I do think these aRE red flags and inappropiate behavior. These are signs that he isnt respecting your relationship as much as you are and as much as a committed man should be. The fact he deleted that comment shows that he knows that kind of stuff is wrong.
Post # 9
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@anonconfused: i think he is being completely disrespectful to you. this is unacceptable in my books. things have obviously not gotten better. you need to take control of the situation. don’t put up with this behaviour. personally, i would dump him. you deserve so much more in a partner.
Post # 10
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
You are not paranoid (Saw the tag). If my FH says I love you to another woman, it had better be his mommy! You have a right to be angry and hurt
Post # 11
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
it annoys the crap out of me and makes me so sad that he isn’t even reaching out to me today. like i said, he has an out of town visitor, but he HAS to know something is up. I never ignore him because I think that is not productive and silly. I am afraid he is glad i seem to be gone, or thinks that this too will blow over so will not confront me about it.
i also wonder if I do speak with him, he will make me out to be the “bad guy” and crazy one for seeing the photo in order to alleviate some of his guilt. that is, if he has any guilt. 🙁
Post # 12
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Was he drunk when he wrote that? It seems like it.
it’s troubling that he’s not reaching out to you today, and I wouldn’t let him sweep this under the rug. I don’t like how the conflict resolution is you giving in to keep the peace. That’s not fair to you and I certainly couldn’t take that for the long term.
Idk if he’s cheating, seems like he is flirting and in the process, disrespecting you. Put your foot down but know that if he is as immature as he is acting, he might not grow up any time soon. So sorry you are going through this.
Post # 13
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
@anonconfused: The behavior of making you out to be the bad guy is my first red flag in all that you describe.
He sounds fairly immature and disrespectful. When you aren’t working do the two of you hang out? Relax together?
I don’t know, but the way it is with the other girl, it just look like bad mojo.
Post # 14
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
so do i contact him? or wait for him to talk to me? i had said please call me, please explain, and he is not. if, on any chance, this is a misunderstanding, I don’t want to drive him away because I am giving him the silent treatment. On the flip side, i need him to know how upset I am.
Post # 15
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
He put himself in a compromising position, and it should be on him to reach out and explain and repair any damage, not you. In my opinion you owe him very little, if anything
Post # 16
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
He is being so out of line. Not only with his actions toward the girl, but the fact that he won’t respond to you when he must know this is eating at you. He is completely being unfair.
After reading the last post, responses, and updates, I’m sorry to say that I think he is jerking you around. No “other friend” is worth ruining your own relationship and he seems to have no problem letting it turn that way.
I’m sorry hun, but this would not fly with me. Are you truly still happy in the relationship? Not the “old relationship” before the break, but the current one you are in that has the changes you’ve mentioned. If you haven’t been happy at least 90% of the time, then I think it’s time to re-evaluate what you deserve.