(Closed) We took a break…FI may have dated and I can't get over it.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@anonconfused:  Good, I’m glad you took that like I intended.  Residency is a bitch.  Been there, done that (not OBGYN)  but I survived 4 years in the bad old days (i’m old) before there were hour restrictions. 

Everybody reacts differently and we’re all good at putting on a show as to how competent we are.  A few survive unscathed, but I think that if people were honest, and everyone was being screened, there would be LOTS of clinical DX anxiety, depression, paranoia(sometimes it DOES feel like they’re out to get you.)

It’s OK to get help.  You can still put on a strong and competent face to everyone else if you feel you need to keep it quiet.

Post # 64
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@anonconfused:  How do you go back to a place of trust? First acknowledge that you dont trust him. Trying to fight that is a losing battle. But just because you dont trust him, doesnt mean you have free reign to be a crazy person. There is a slight chance that Fiance is totally into that girl and is going to leave you for her. Guess what, nothing you can do about that. You could quit your residency and try to spend 24/7 with him monitoring all his interactions with the world, and you cant stop him from being with her if he wants. (Allow you mind to go the furthest out cray, cray place) You are totally out of control in this situation. 

What you learn to do is trust that if he leaves you, you’ll survive. You dont have to have 100% trust in him right now (and you cant. That takes time to rebuild), to trust yourself that if the worst happens, you will survive. 

You have to stay away from social media, refrain from calling him (even if you have a “good” reason to) and focus on the good. Quit trying to find proof that all your worst fears are coming true. 

Post # 65
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

I think I have a suggestion for what actions you could take. Rather than texting him asking what he’s up to, or if he can talk, just text, “I love you.” or “Just thinking about you” or “Hope you’re having a good day.” or something of that sort. He’ll probably start to respond, which you’ll appreciate because it’ll make you feel more loved and might help you. And it will take the focus off of the “I need attention,” that you’ll actually be leaving unsaid, so he’ll read it as more confidence. Thoughts?

Post # 66
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@anonconfused:  I think a lot of it was just time, and openness. Not necessarily that I was totally open with him about being kind of a crazy stalker, haha.. but we both set aside time during our engagement to be (brutally) honest with each other about our deepest hopes and fears for marriage. I emphasized that I had zero tolerance for cheating, and why, and he was receptive and understanding. And the more our relationship has moved forward (getting engaged, then moving in together, then buying a house together, then getting married, then getting pregnant!) the more I trust him and the sillier it felt to still obsess over this thing from the past. He has no contact with the brief fling girl at all so she just doesn’t matter anymore. Honestly though, sometimes I still randomly google this chick out of boredom. I don’t know why. Force of habit? Or I’m crazy? haha. But the idea of her having existed in his life doesn’t bother me anymore at all, and the closer we get the happier I am that we are married and I got over the stupid obsession. (And that I ‘won’! He is an awesome prize of a husband 🙂 )   I really do think “stubborn jealousy” describes how I felt, to a T. We humans are complicated animals :/

Post # 68
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@anonconfused:   Oh dear.  I read over the whole thread and thought you were fine and he had nothing to do with her besides being a friend. 

But you need to get to the bottom of her being at his house.  He should have told you ahead of time if he had plans with her; that’s not right. 

Also, FWIW, I despise Facebook, online stalking and snooping/spying (although I understand the need to do it, but it is so unhealthy and makes people so desperately unhappy).  Facebook is the Devil and ruins relationships.

Still, he needs to be honest with you.  You don’t deserve to be going through all this stress and uncertainty over where you stand with him.

(HUGS)

Post # 69
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@anonconfused:  I don’t blame you…He is not being fair to you at all!

Post # 70
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Sunfire:  +1

It’s one thing to be hanging out with some girl while out with friends. It’s quite another thing to have her over for a cozy Sunday morning Easter egg dying date.

This is crazy.

You need to sit down and discuss this. I was totally in agreement before about trying to ignore it but this doesn’t seem to be going away. 🙁 I suggest sitting down and trying to be calm about this. So maybe not right after you get back from a day at the hospital (if that’s possible).

Tons of hugs!! I hope you keep us updated. Honestly though, I think the relationship has run its course. There is no way he can’t know how hurtful this would be to you. 🙁 Sorry.

Post # 71
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@anonconfused:  I agree with 
View original reply
@Sunfire .  I read through the whole thread and thought things were looking up… then I read the post about the easter eggs.  I would be furious!  My Fiance and I went through a rough time when we were just dating – there was a girl that continuously would call him at 2am, text him throughout the day, write him on FB, and would completely cross the line.  I completely lost it and went crazy.  I was never a jealous person either and this made me one.  I began “checking up” on him – I hate that I had become that person, but the jealousy really ate away at me.  Finally, my jealousy and nagging drove him farther away from me.  We became very distant and we ended up taking a break.  After a short break, we both apologized and decided we wanted to be together.  It took me a long time of biting my tongue and fighting jealous fits to finially get over it. The point of me sharing the story is that if my Fiance invited this girl over to his house, I would flip out.  He KNOWS how much you dislike her and the situation, so why add fuel to the fire by hanging out with her??  I think that you do need to work on the jealousy (which I know you have said you have been doing) but I also think that he needs to respect you and not be alone (was he alone?) with her… or any other female for that matter!

Post # 72
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@anonconfused: I just now read thru this entire thread, and was (overall) in a positive frame of mind for you. With your latest update, all I could think in my mind was “F*ck that!!” (in direct relation to his latest decision making).

Here you are, trying to mend from a broken heart and a ‘break’ where you two decided you would not date other people. Here you are trying to wean yourself from social media, as to not go ‘crazy’ in your mind thinking the worst. Here you are trying to maintain your sanity via work, wedding planning, and your relationship, and not be jealous, or needy.

And then here he is…assumingly knowing all you are trying to do, and be, and he is dying Easter eggs at his house with the same gal you question?! Here he is not communicating – fully – where he is, what he is doing, and who he is with?!

Look, we all know relationships thrive off trust, communication, and a perfect balance of individuality and togetherness (i.e. not being over bearing, but maintaining respect for the relationship too). However, I do not think jealousy just ‘happens’. I think jealousy is often a direct correlation to a gut instinct one has, of which covers many aspects.

Social media, etc, does NOT often help our feelings, but sometimes they can validate them too. Hypothetically, possibly, maybe he did have a group of friends over, and she was one of them. Perhaps he was being stupid – much like many men can and are (:)), I did not think anything of her being there, because there is nothing to worry about. HOWEVER, even if it is innocent (and I hate typing if here, but we do not have all the details yet), he needs to respect the fact that you are uncomfortable with this newer friendship. And that there are boundaries of which you need him to adhere too, especially with your crazy schedule. Such boundaries can include him being 100% honest with you, and of course, her not hanging out his house. This gal has not met you, you have not met her…and even if the jealousy is stemming from the fact that you believe this gal THINKS she has a chance with your Fiance (which, as often as it seems they hang out, she might), then it is a valid feeling for you to have.

And seriously, he needs to pull his head out of his *ss, and realize this too!!

Post # 73
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@anonconfused:  Was there anyone else there or was it just the two of them? Honestly, I would be extremely hurt and I think you have every right to be.

Post # 75
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@anonconfused:  Whoa whoa whoa. So you’ve brought this to him, he knows its been upsetting you, and he wanted to test how far you would push the subject? I think that is completely messed up and NOT okay! Especially AFTER he agreed he would let you know in advance. If he is the one who wanted to take a break, and he is the one who came back, he should be working hard to make sure you have confidence in him and your relationship. It sounds like he is playing games and taking you for granted. 

Post # 76
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@anonconfused:  Even if he did date another girl during your break, he chose you.  He says he didn’t date her, and you have to give him the benefit of a doubt.

Even with all the opportunity in the world to hook up with this female friend, he still wanted you.

Have you met this girl?  Perhaps if you see their dynamic together you will feel better about it.  At least you can make an informed decisions about them hanging out together. 

I’ve always had a good number of males friends and I know their friendship with me is often a point of contention with their significant others… until they meet me.  I always strive to get to know the girlfriends and really emphasize how much I love my Fiance and how “not a threat” I am.  I’ve actually made the majority of my female friends this way Smile

The topic ‘We took a break…FI may have dated and I can't get over it.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors