Post # 1
I don’t know how to share this news with our friends and family, in part because the reason behind our decision is not ours to share with them.
Our officiant is a dear friend to us. She is also a lesbian woman. When we asked her to be our officiant we thought about how much she means to us, how she radiates happiness and love and when we pictured ourselves saying our vows we pictured her standing beside us.
What we didn’t recognize at the time was that our privilege as a heterosexual couple led us to ask someone to perform a marriage ceremony when they in fact cannot participate in a marriage ceremony of their own. We were wrong to ask this of our friend. We were wrong to allow ourselves to not have to be aware of bigger picture of injustice.
So we have decided that we will not be married if Marriage Equality does not pass. We will enter into a civil union in solidarity with our lesbian and gay brothers and sisters. We will never know the true experience of the oppression of LGBT couples but we will be allies.
And what this has done for us: We now, for the first time, realize how awful this injustice is. It’s wrong that it took us losing (by our own choice) our ability to marry. It’s heart wrenching to think that we will not have a marriage certificate. It’s devestating to know we may not be able to reach one another if one was to go into a hospital. And this is the reality for all of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. It’s devastating.
I hope that WA state will vote in Marriage Equality. I hope I will marry the man of my dreams next June. I hope our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters will have that opportunity as well. And if we are defeated we will continue the fight as allies.
We are heartbroken by our own ignorance and privilege. But we have learned a valuable lesson in being an ally and being aware of our own privilege.
Post # 3
I commend you wholeheartedly for doing this. It is hard to recognize privilege, and even harder to deliberately disavow one of its benefits.
I truly hope Marriage Equality passes, both for you and for every LGBT couple in Washington that wants to marry. And just for the world to be a slightly better place.
Post # 4
@icetea: Being from Wa also, I did my part!:)
Post # 5
@sarahbabs: +1 to this.
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve chosen to do this!
Post # 6
I believe same sex marriage should be legal, but OP, what are you really accomplishing by refusing to get married yourself? (Please don’t take this as negative. I’m just curious).
Post # 8
@babymakes3: We are choosing not to benefit from a system that oppresses the rights of others.
We have discussed this at length, and for us it is wholeheartedly wrong for us to marry if our dear friend, and our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters cannot.
Post # 9
Please consider coming to DC where gay men and women have the same right to marry as heterosexual men and women do. I’ll gladly refer you to my awesome lesbian officiant, who performed the first public gay marriage ceremony in DC, right on the steps of the courthouse. I’m sure she’d be happy to co-celebrate with your officiant friend. Bring your entire guest list. Then count up all the money you spent, and take that back to WA State, and show them how much tax revenue their lack of equal rights has cost them.
When logic and reason fail, show them the dollar signs.
Post # 10
I really hope it passes. It makes me soo angry when I see people holding the signs to reject it! It’s ridiculous. It’s not hurting anyone, why can’t people make their own choices?!
Good for you for taking a stand.
Post # 11
I’m from WA, I voted the day my ballet came in. Good luck! I think it will pass.
Post # 12
@babymakes3: i agree with this to be honest. i mean, i respect the idea behind it but it could surely be extended to any principle in the world.
Not living in a house while there are homeless people, not eating while there are hungry americans etc. Not working in certain sectors or benefiting from services until there is 100% racial and gender equality and so forth. Im actually not trying to be snarky, but as my friend (who is a lesbian) commented to me “its not the same choosing not to get married, its not a choice for me. You getting married or not in now way affects whether i can so what’s the point?”.
EDIT – i do, however, support gay marriage. That really wasnt the point of my post
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
@icetea: Good for you taking a stand. I am definitely thankful that I live in a state that has marriage equality, but I still feel for those in the LGBT community who are still living in states where it’s not allowed. I don’t understand how we can allow people to vote on equal rights and telling people who they are allowed to love legally. It’s so sad.
Post # 14
@icetea: I appreciate you putting thought into this, but I think refusing to marry (after you have already started planning a wedding) is not the best way to stand for equality.
Post # 15
@the boss of you: What is the best way to stand for equality?
@newname_99: How do you support?
Post # 16
@icetea: I applaud your sensitivity and commitment to this issue, I too believe everyone has the right to get married, but what I do not understand is how you abstaining from getting married forces the legal sytem to respond to your desire for Marriage Equality…