Post # 16
- Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club
i would recommend the same thing i would to a person in a DV relationship: try to get as much as resources and support you can get in order to leave. Know your legal rights (if you need it for possible retaliatiom, custody, housing etc), a safety plan that includes shelter, and a support network.
Ideally, I would get a job and a small apartment. Im a full time worker, attending full time doctoral program with a toddler. and a shitload of support (i do have my husband but we both work full time). I can say, its possible to do it.
Post # 17
yes, he’s incredible with my son. I can see that he genuinely loves him and the feeling is on both sides. So I would have to keep my son’s relationship alive with him for my son’s sake.
Without his support, I wouldn’t be able to send my son to the school where his particular needs are met as his own father is not inclined to pay for anything. (We are still fighting over basic child support.) I would have a very difficult time putting a roof on his head and making even basic bills.
I would be in immediate dire financial need.
I am not considering forgiving him in real. Just faking the whole relationship because it’s taking care of my son. Because he’s cheated, just wondering if it justifies me using him for my son’s needs which I am not able to meet until my school is done, and I have a stable job and apartment. Probably another 3 years.
Should I put my son and me in a bad situation because I am thinking morally only and not about making ends meet on a day to day basis?
Post # 18
No, but my son’s father’s actions after the divorce left ne living in my car in a plaza parking lot in middle of winter. Shelters were full for MILES! I came daily. I wasn’t able to finish school then. I also don’t have lawyer so I have to fight my own case! I had a legal aid lawyer who left the case for personal reasons but legal aid lost a lot of funding around same time and I was not given a change of lawyer.
This guy took us in and put out food, clothing, shelter. In that sense, this guy helped me considerably in my most extreme time of need. He babysat also when I had to rush to court as other party was taking full advantage of my vulnerable situation.
I had an injury and he helped with taking care of my son and me by getting him dressed and driving to/ from work, cooking everyday, helping with the homework, etc… Basically being a model father.
I felt I owed to him for having done so much.
But then why the cheating? I don’t get it. But it’s still a fact. So I am not sure if it’s in my child’s best interest for me to leave this guy now, or gradually when he is the one helping me to finish school also.
Post # 19
In a sense, yes i would consider this DV of a kind.
I know several bees suggested for me to leave but they did not provide any suggestions. I had noted in my post that I don’t have any help from family or friends. So it is easier said than done especially with a kid. Especially if the kid loves him a lot also.
Right now it isn’t about morals. Obviously there’s some help needed in that department. But more about how would I take care of my immediate concerns related to my son if I just up and leave now vs when I have somewhat established myself.
Post # 20
If you would literally be living in your car and unable to feed and house your kid, obviously you’re not in a position to leave right now. I don’t think you should “fake” the relationship, but I would suggest figuring out what you need to do to be a provider for your son before you make yourself homeless. Your son has to come first. How do you think your bf would react if you told him essentially that the romantic relationship is done but you would like to continue living together as a family until you can figure something else out? Honestly that seems like the best case for both of you right now in this immediate moment, and you’d be far from the first couple to stay together in name only because of circumstances like these. I would not normally advocate something like this but I think it’s far better than a) lying and faking a relationship, or b) living out of your car and pulling your kid from his school. Hopefully if he cares for you or your son at all he won’t turn you out on the streets during a pandemic and economic collapse.
ETA: I’m not suggesting this as a long term solution but just until you can get on your feet and set yourself up with more work, an apt, etc.
Post # 21
There are many reasons people choose to stay in a relationship. Lifestyle factors, financial security and keeping a family together are certainly some of them. People put up with, choose to look past, and forgive, all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. Khloe K, Will and Jada Smith, Beyonce, Tori Spelling all decided to work through infidelity. Not saying you should but those people choose to work through their issues and keep their lifestyle and family together.
However, I think “faking it” and using him for his money and justifying it because he cheated isn’t choosing to stay. It’s not choosing to stay and choosing to work on and address the issues in your relationship. Faking it builds animosity and resentment, vengeance. It’s not being honest with yourself or him. When we aren’t authentic and true to ourselves we suffer.
Faking it isn’t healthy.
“I thought we had the perfect relationship.”
Rather than faking your relationship and intentionally inflicting further emotional damage upon yourself, I’d suggest couples counseling. “I know you cheated, you don’t have to lie. We need to decide how to move forward.” Address the lack of intimacy and infidelity with a couple’s counselor and figure out how to move forward together in a way that allows you to be true to yourself. You do not have to fake your relationship. You can be upset and heal. What healing and moving forward looks like is up to the two of you. Maybe you decide to not be together but he still takes care of and is in your child’s life. Maybe you choose to take a cool-down break and work on your relationship.
Whatever you decide faking your relationship and not being true to yourself and not addressing it isn’t the answer.
Go to counseling get to the bottom of the infidelity issue and have an honest relationship. Whether that relationship is a romantic one or not. It seems as though with the relationship he has with your son he is going to be in your life. You owe it to your mental and emotional health to address the issue and not hide your feelings.
Don’t fake it, you will only hurt yourself. Choose authenticity.
Post # 22
I like that idea…. just to be honest about the situation and live separate lives together for the time being. Many couples are having to do this during the pandemic.
I tried to broach the subject last night and it just ended up in him swearing at me because he continues to deny that he’s sleeping around. I suggested that he just accept that he cheated and move on from there so that we can address our options.
So it doesn’t seem likely that he would want to continue as anything but a couple. I would like to continue NOT as a couple, where I am free to go out when I want. But he wants only a relationship or nothing.
So I guess that settles that.
Post # 23
I would very much like to take this ‘cool down break to see where we are at. I will suggest that after few days. I just had an operation and I am trying not to aggravate healing. Talking to him about this anytime is like pulling teeth right now.
I have been with him through times when he had nothing…. no money, and tons of debt. I was in a good position then. Now the tables have turned and for the most part he’s done for my son and me what not many guys would even consider doing.
I really do feel that he needs to take a good look at himself and why he feels it’s okay to throw away a good relationship. More than me, I feel he needs this time apart.
Lately I have started to feel like he may be a narcissist. I have been doing a lot of research and he seems to fit the bill quite well. So I don’t know if the time apart will be useful or not. But I am more than willing to do it because it may help me too. I clearly have a knack for picking sh*tty men.
Had I considered this disorder before, I would never have introduced my son. More than the relationship, I feel i did injustice to my son who already had a bad father and now I provided another dysfunctional one.
Post # 24
I think this decision may be taken out of your hands soon.
He’s cheating. He’s paying the expenses for a kid who isn’t his. You aren’t having sex. This has an expiration date.
Maybe the last girl didn’t work out and he wants to stick around for now and enjoy the “comfort” of home and family, but if he’s actively out there looking then it’s just a matter of time before he finds someone who can offer him that who he also does want to sleep with.
Don’t bury your head in the sand and assume he’ll be around until you don’t want him to be. Start getting your house in order and be ready to live on your own, regardless of who eventually pulls the trigger.
Post # 25
I wouldn’t say he is a dysfunctional father from how you describe him. It sounds like he is a great dad. And you are right, not many men would do what he has done for your son. You gave your son a father and he is a good one.
I really would push for therapy. Have a counselor work through the allegations. He may be too scared to admit it thinking that you will punish him and take away “his son” and being scared he destroyed his family.
Everyone thinks everyone is a narcissist these days and while maybe everyone is, I like to think we all are flawed people who make mistakes.
I think taking some time apart and cooling down is a good idea. Deciding what to do is a process and we are allowed to change our minds, sometimes hourly.
Post # 26
Whether you stay or go, please don’t fake it. Do you really want your son to grow up learning that it’s a good thing to pretend you love someone just for what you can get out of them?
Post # 27
Do I think using this man for his money is justified IF he is cheating? No. Do I think you have a responsibility to your child to get your ducks in a row before leaving him so that you are not homeless, living out of your car? Yes. Should that take years? No.
Do you love this man?
Post # 28
I think the OP is being unfairly judged here. If you guys had no income and no support would you have left your boyfriend right away? Especially the cheating is not 100% proved. It is a very tough spot to be in. I would like to invite the bees to read about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
God help you bee!
Post # 29
Yes, that fear is a ticking time bomb.
So that’s why I wanted to get ahead of that train wreck. Only that I have financial limitations. I don’t think I could ever go back to being the same with him. And that’s just going to open the door for him to hurt me more. Maybe he’ll “accidentally” get someone pregnant, etc. Those all have real consequences. Or maybe his lady love wants to move in asap. Who knows? I just don’t want to be blindsided by that.
Even though he cannot force me out because back then I had a decent job and helped secure the mortgage so I am on title. Unfortunately, I can’t throw him out instead because right now I have no means to make the mortgage payments alone. I have one ex-colleague who can rent a room from me and that will help but again, I am not sure what’s the best option here…. screw him over or just move far and fast.
Post # 30
Thank you so much for understanding.
That’s why I had no choice but to ignore all the comments stating I should leave and I’m a horrible for trying to stay etc. But the bees did not provide any suggestions on how I can not end up on street with a small child. And then I will end up losing child to deadbeat father who can al least provide shelter, no matter how sh*tty. Shelters are also full, and no one wants new people anyway during a pandemic.
I do understand that this man too can throw me out at anytime. However, he hasn’t done so. I find it hard to believe that even after 8+ years that he wouldn’t have found a replacement, especially if they are all willing to sleep with him. I do know about him that he craves that family feeling. He enjoys telling people he has a sweet family. (Except not telling these other women.) So he wants to sleep around while having a beautiful family at home.
But if he is getting what he wants without feeling the need to commit, why shouldn’t I also take advantage of the situation? At least temporarily until I can move out and move on.