(Closed) Wealthy cheater. Should I stay or go? Child involved and I am full time student

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I use him for money and fake it till I make it on my own?

    Yes, fake it

    No, leave now, come what may

    It's complicated and read my response

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1669 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

    View original reply
    @queenie8119:  i would recommend the same thing i would to a person in a DV relationship: try to get as much as resources and support you can get in order to leave. Know your legal rights (if you need it for possible retaliatiom, custody, housing etc), a safety plan that includes shelter, and a support network.

    Ideally, I would get a job and a small apartment. Im a full time worker, attending full time doctoral program with a toddler. and a shitload of support (i do have my husband but we both work full time). I can say, its possible to do it. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    2761 posts
    Sugar bee

    If you would literally be living in your car and unable to feed and house your kid, obviously you’re not in a position to leave right now. I don’t think you should “fake” the relationship, but I would suggest figuring out what you need to do to be a provider for your son before you make yourself homeless. Your son has to come first. How do you think your bf would react if you told him essentially that the romantic relationship is done but you would like to continue living together as a family until you can figure something else out? Honestly that seems like the best case for both of you right now in this immediate moment, and you’d be far from the first couple to stay together in name only because of circumstances like these. I would not normally advocate something like this but I think it’s far better than a) lying and faking a relationship, or b) living out of your car and pulling your kid from his school. Hopefully if he cares for you or your son at all he won’t turn you out on the streets during a pandemic and economic collapse.

    ETA: I’m not suggesting this as a long term solution but just until you can get on your feet and set yourself up with more work, an apt, etc. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    There are many reasons people choose to stay in a relationship. Lifestyle factors, financial security and keeping a family together are certainly some of them. People put up with, choose to look past, and forgive, all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. Khloe K, Will and Jada Smith, Beyonce, Tori Spelling all decided to work through infidelity. Not saying you should but those people choose to work through their issues and keep their lifestyle and family together.

    However, I think “faking it” and using him for his money and justifying it because he cheated isn’t choosing to stay. It’s not choosing to stay and choosing to work on and address the issues in your relationship. Faking it builds animosity and resentment, vengeance. It’s not being honest with yourself or him. When we aren’t authentic and true to ourselves we suffer.

    Faking it isn’t healthy.

    “I thought we had the perfect relationship.” 

    Rather than faking your relationship and intentionally inflicting further emotional damage upon yourself, I’d suggest couples counseling. “I know you cheated, you don’t have to lie. We need to decide how to move forward.” Address the lack of intimacy and infidelity with a couple’s counselor and figure out how to move forward together in a way that allows you to be true to yourself. You do not have to fake your relationship. You can be upset and heal. What healing and moving forward looks like is up to the two of you. Maybe you decide to not be together but he still takes care of and is in your child’s life. Maybe you choose to take a cool-down break and work on your relationship.

    Whatever you decide faking your relationship and not being true to yourself and not addressing it isn’t the answer.

    Go to counseling get to the bottom of the infidelity issue and have an honest relationship. Whether that relationship is a romantic one or not. It seems as though with the relationship he has with your son he is going to be in your life. You owe it to your mental and emotional health to address the issue and not hide your feelings.

    Don’t fake it, you will only hurt yourself. Choose authenticity.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1312 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I think this decision may be taken out of your hands soon.

    He’s cheating. He’s paying the expenses for a kid who isn’t his. You aren’t having sex. This has an expiration date.

    Maybe the last girl didn’t work out and he wants to stick around for now and enjoy the “comfort” of home and family, but if he’s actively out there looking then it’s just a matter of time before he finds someone who can offer him that who he also does want to sleep with. 

    Don’t bury your head in the sand and assume he’ll be around until you don’t want him to be. Start getting your house in order and be ready to live on your own, regardless of who eventually pulls the trigger.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    View original reply
    @queenie8119:  I wouldn’t say he is a dysfunctional father from how you describe him. It sounds like he is a great dad. And you are right, not many men would do what he has done for your son. You gave your son a father and he is a good one.

    I really would push for therapy. Have a counselor work through the allegations. He may be too scared to admit it thinking that you will punish him and take away “his son” and being scared he destroyed his family.

    Everyone thinks everyone is a narcissist these days and while maybe everyone is, I like to think we all are flawed people who make mistakes.

    I think taking some time apart and cooling down is a good idea. Deciding what to do is a process and we are allowed to change our minds, sometimes hourly.

    Post # 26
    Member
    2039 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Whether you stay or go, please don’t fake it.  Do you really want your son to grow up learning that it’s a good thing to pretend you love someone just for what you can get out of them?  

    Post # 27
    Member
    7967 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @queenie8119:  Do I think using this man for his money is justified IF he is cheating? No. Do I think you have a responsibility to your child to get your ducks in a row before leaving him so that you are not homeless, living out of your car? Yes. Should that take years? No.

    Do you love this man? 

    Post # 28
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee

    I think the OP is being unfairly judged here. If you guys had no income and no support would you have left your boyfriend right away? Especially the cheating is not 100% proved. It is a very tough spot to be in. I would like to invite the bees to read about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

    God help you bee!

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