- 1 year ago
- Wedding: October 2015
You certainly wouldn’t be the first woman in history to use a man for his money so don’t feel too bad about it imo. Obviously you can’t live in your car in the street with your child and it sounds like that is the alternative right now. The goal is independence, you need to finish your studies and become financially independent then you will be better placed to make more authentic decisions. Good luck xo
So, keep stringing your child along until this man gets wise and tells your child that you sold yourself for a place to stay and tuition money? Don’t bet on this guy continuing to father a child that isn’t his. Don’t bet on this guy not telling the truth about you. (Or your child not overhearing it in an argument) Get yourself ready to do the hard thing, which is to get a job and move out.
OP, do you have family who could help? Once your school is done, will that get you a job that pays a decent living? Presumably that was the goal of school, right? When were you expecting to graduate?
You’re in a tough situation but character is everything. You need to model this for your son. The short term may be hard and you may need to get family or friends to help out or agree on a move out date. It doesn’t have to be today, it could be in 3 months. As others have pointed out, you need an exit plan. This wasn’t a sustainable situation anyway.
IMO some previous posters are being way too harsh. The truth is this was the standard for women for hundreds of years and still is in many places….the wife being expected to “look the other way” for the sake of not blowing up their lives. See: any episode of Mad Men for example.
Is it the best thing for your son if the relationship is not ideal? Maybe not the BEST thing. But it may be better than the alternative. I wouldn’t advise just leaving for exmaple, if it meant you were going to be living in a shelter or something. Do you have somewhere to go if you leave? If not, frankly there is NOTHING wrong with biding your time and getting your ducks in a row first.
It’s really easy for strangers to say leave now come what may come from the comfort of our own homes but we won’t bear the consequences and certainly none of us will be there to help.
You have to do what’s best for your kid and if it’s best to stay in this relationship a little longer until your ducks are in a row and you will get a job then so be it. Your son will realize that you made this sacrifice for him. Rushing to break up with him and then being out on the street won’t be good for anyone specially your son.
Obviously it’s not good that you are in this situation and certainly no one wants to be but we all have to play the cards we are dealt with and make the best decision
It’s okay to want to have all of your ducks in a row before leaving a relationship that isn’t working for you, but this should be done in the shortest time frame possible. If you have three years left of school, that’s not reasonable. If you can get a degree or certification sometime in the next six months to a year that will allow you to stand on your own two feet without assistance, that could be a more reasonable part of an exit plan.
I guess my perspective is that you should be actively planning to leave. Sitting around and letting the status quo continue is not in the best interest of your child, nor is it in your own best interest. It may take longer than the next month to have things together enough to provide a good life for the two of you, but you should be working on a plan to exit. Actively working on it.
OP is NOT in the same position as women who were born without the rights our global sisters have lacked. To combine this situation with their plight is disrespectful to the women before us and those who are still in the fight. This is not unlike the DV posts above. OP has a choice. What she chooses to do with her autonomy is reflective of her character today.
It hurts all women when some women happily play to the stereotype of untrustworthy gold diggers. You say you *regret* walking away without having taken advantage of this guy. But would you really be able to live with yourself if you *had*? And what would your current spouse have thought of that?
I find most bees are too immature to understand.
I obviously put money in the condo. And this man had no money and lots of debt when we met. I had the money. He appears to have used me and not the other way around.
And school is important to get a job. Most bees also don’t seem to be fighting a court case alone with a crazy ex simultaneously when trying to hold down a family, full time school, AND learning law to fight a case.
I am sick of writing that it was me who was in a great financial position before so we were able to get a condo. I expected a happy family which i wanted to expand. He had no money and tons of debt.
All of a sudden, if I want to secure a future before stepping out rather than have to struggle with a kid, school, AND court case, then I am the bad one? What about the idiot cheater? He is suddenly a messiah?
And I am also having to fight my court case alone with no end in sight. I have to learn law in my free time as free legal advice isn’t readily available. And I have to take off many days from my part time job to go to court because I am having to RESPOND to so many motions. The other party is trying to exhaust me!
I am more leaning towards ‘no contact’ simply because I can’t stand to look at this guy. I had the better finances due to which we were able to get a condo. Now he has more money than me but he’s using it against us. He ruined a family that could be, not me. Yet, some bees are putting him up on a pedestal.
As for domestic violence, he didn’t hit me but be hurt me in many different ways like throwing me, yanking my shoulder out, yelling, screaming, calling me names, withholding sex, silent treatment, leaving me out on the street, psychological warfare. I stuck through because I needed to finish school and continued to hope in mean time that things will improve. But now the cheating hurts because he’s risking Covid. (Not STDs because we’re not having sex.)
My husband had already cut me off few years before the 3 friends I had. I doubt they will be able to provide any sustainable help.
So that’s how this guy ended up being my son’s and my whole world. His feelings towards my son are genuine. And only recently he came into some money and he started offering to help with my son’s tuition. I thought my son will be looked after.
I can’t even believe this thread is still going on….I honestly thought it was a trolling post that would get no traction.
Wow. To those saying using a man for money or turning a blind eye to the inequities of life used to be the norm ‘ala Mad Men (🙄), um, yeah, there are lots of things that used to be the norm. It doesn’t make them right, and thankfully we have evolved and continue to evolve. Do I really need to list examples?
OP, your question was, should you use him for money and fake it til you make it. The answer is no. Straight up. You have a child who is YOUR responsibility. Put school on hold until you are financially able to return, get a job, and put a roof over your and your child’s head that is affordable enough to also feed and give him the basics. Get on temporary assistance if you must.
But your ultimate responsibility is to raise an ethical, hard working, compassionate human being who will contribute something to this world, and you will fail miserably if you intend to teach him (through your actions, which he is watching) that “using” someone – yes, even if they used you in the past – or living off a sugar daddy, is ok. I would rather raise my child in shelter and let him watch how having a strong work ethic can help you overcome most of life’s inconveniences.
You knew the answer to your question before you posted it. You were just looking to see if a comfortable-enough number of us would condone your plan. If that’s as high as your standards go, well, what can I say? I feel sorry for your child.
The topic ‘Wealthy cheater. Should I stay or go? Child involved and I am full time student’ is closed to new replies.