Post # 1
I’m so tired of their histrionics and my attention-whore mother…but this was downright mean and vindictive! She can’t stand it if everyone around her doesn’t idolize the ground she walks on and is sooo vain and materialisitic. They shouldn’t have rsvp’d and pretended they were coming just to intentionally pull the rug out, although they were playing games the whole time. We’re coming… then, we have other committments that day… then, ‘we are eating and leaving’… My family has always been disappointing, so this doesn’t come as a total surprise and they refused to participate in ANY wedding activities (planning, fittings, bridal shower, ect) They just didn’t want to talk about it. It has seemed like they were looking for a way out or an excuse, and when one didn’t come they just made delusional statements about me and made a scene about not coming and hung up on my Fiance. I thought it would be better that i hand the phone off to him to speak with him as i have an emotional connection and didn’t want to say something i’d regret. Their ‘reasoning’ was that they were concerned that i would make a ‘scene’ and embarrass my Mother…wtf??? Have they met me? My MOM is the one that causes scenes!! I’m quite, easy peasy, and certainly wouldn’t disrupt my beautiful day that i paid for, to give her any extra attention! Apparently they can’t bear that anyone would place any criticism on my dysfunctional mother. It’s just soo goofy that they all support her and follow her around like she’s the d&*^ Pope! They are soo ‘hootie tootie’ and hypocritical..
I’ve truly done everything I could to try to encourage them to be a supportive family, but they just create false statements about me and use that as a ‘scape goat’ to not fullfill their family roles. I can imagine they would be very embarrassed showing up since they’ve been so difficult and it hasn’t gone unnoticed by in-laws and friends, but that’s their choice and reflects on them- we weren’t going to try to make them accountable for it- that ship sailed long ago!! The MOST hurtful part, is that they BLAME me for it, and in their dramatic style, have ‘Boycotted’ the entire family from coming 🙁
I’ve done everything i possibly can, i’m successful (a Nurse), i have a wonderful life and beautiful relationship, I’m nice and helpful to others…and the Fiance is extremely pleasant and wonderful, successful (Funeral Director), no drama, we get along great….It’s almost like there is some sort of jealousy- my mom has been married 4 times..I just want to scream, i’ve done the best job i can as a daughter why do you keep persecuting me! Has anyone else survived their wedding with similiar family dynamics? I can’t stop crying..
Unfortunately, my Father left a long time ago after their divorce and couldn’t bear any connection to my Mom, which meant having me in his life was too difficult. My mother gave up custody of my Sister to him when she was a toddler, so i don’t know them well either and they won’t be coming which was difficult enough (but who could blame them?) So i’m really kind of SOL…and embarrassed…sigh
Thanks for letting me rant! Sometimes it just helps to know others have survived the non traditional wedding without family members being able to attend. xoxo
Post # 3
Oh man! So srry you are going through this, it’s awful!! Hinestly, though, maybe its for the best FOR YOU that she not come. It sounds like you are an awesome person, I would stop trying to earn her approval.
I have this kind of relationship wth my family. I am the one who is successful, so I am the weirdo. I have family members in and out of jail and on drugs and those are the ones my mother caters to. And I don’t care, because if being trash is the only way to get her approval, I am not interested. But it took a while for me to get there.
I hope things get better for you. Just try to be excited for your wedding and being with your Fiance. You’re living your life the right way, don’t let these people drag you down.
Post # 4
I haven’t had a similar experience, but I just wanted to say I truly feel for you…sounds like a sucky situation :-/ But good for you for being different…for choosing a loving, successful life..appreciate those people that love you and are attending your wedding to support your new life
Post # 5
It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job handling an awful situation. *hugs*
I don’t know if this is something you’re already aware of, but what you’ve written here is classic dysfunctional family dynamics when one person manages to escape the dysfunction. It also has shades of “black sheep”–in a dysfunctional family, one person is designated as the whipping boy for all the family’s problems. It’s all part of their denial and lack of personal responsibility. It has ZERO to do with your behavior toward them, or who you are on a fundamental level.
All I can tell you is to focus on all the great things you mentioned. You escaped–you’re the healthy, happy, independent, whole one. Don’t let them steal that from you in even the slightest way by disturbing your equilibrium or making cry over your wedding.
Have a happy, joyous, wonderful wedding!! It’s the best revenge. 😉
Post # 6
@christi_627: Wow! I’m sorry. Enjoy your day with your new husband, his family and your friends. Don’t be embarrassed. It sounds like you don’t need their drama in your life or at your wedding. You are creating a wonderful new family.
Post # 7
@creativeplannertobee: Dang, that one makes me wish WeddingBee had a “Like” button. Guess I’m spending too much time on FB, haha!
Post # 8
This is my life!!! This is exactly happening to me with not only my Mom, but my Dad and his wife. I always wonder if other people have toxic FAMILIES and not just a toxic parent/sibling.
I, too, have a great life/FI/daughter/house/life. They just can’t accept it. Misery loves company but I do not answer the door!!!
My advice it to ignore it. do not give in to their tantrums/demands/threats. I started doing this last year and it has made me feel so much better! Don’t want to hear about my wedding, fam? Then I surely won’t tell you when you bring it up with snide remarks.
Post # 9
@christi_627: At this point, I would stop catering to them, stop dealing with them, and let them be miserable together. Confirm with them one last time they are not coming, get your money back from the venue on their plates, and enjoy your wedding. Have a hostess/security/someone with a machete at the door in case they all of a sudden decide to come and blockthem from getting in.
You’ve done enough to try to please them. That is the fuel to their fire. Ignore them. Change numbers, block FB, ignore ignore ignore
Post # 10
I too come from a toxic family, although in my case it’s on my father’s side. I would just do as other PP said, and ignore them – don’t give your mother the satisfaction of ruining your day.
Other advice, read “toxic parents”; it will give you immense insight, and explain how you can’t change your parents but you can change how their behavior affects you as a person.
Also remember, Love is Thicker than Blood. This is my mantra for life. Those who treat you right and support you (like your Fiance and In-laws) are true family – and they will be there to support you on your big day!
Post # 11
My mother is the same. Totally unsupportive, totally self obsessed, totally negative. Never has a good word to say about anything or anybody. Being around her is draining and depressing.
I made the choice about a decade ago that I would limit my interactions with her to the minimum possible. It’s made easier by the fact that I live in the UK and she lives in Australia. I’ve only been back to visit twice in 10 years. I realised that her attitude was never going to improve, and being her daughter did not mean that I had to endure it. I was helped by counselling to realise that she is an adult and I’m not responsible for her.
My mother doesn’t even know that I’m engaged. I didn’t invite her to my wedding to my ex H – I didn’t want her negativity ruining a happy time. Sometimes I get upset, especially when I see friends (and my FI) having normal relationships with their families. I also know that my Future Father-In-Law judges me on the fact I don’t have the same family dynamic.
Your mother has done you a favour. Like other PPs have said, I would look forward to having a happy wedding and the new family you and your Fiance will be creating.
Post # 12
I am so sorry! What is up with these drama mamas? This sounds like my mohter.
She told me she it wasn’t worth coming to my wedding (she’d have to fly) because I couldn’t host her in my house before and after my own wedding. I said any other time I’d love to play hostess, but not this trip. She was only a guest! I never asked her for one single thing.
Hugs, you sound like a wonderful woman who is very level headed!
Post # 13
Cut those bitches loose. My family pulled similar bullshit with me, and I cut those bitches loose. Save yourself the frustration, pull off the Band-Aid and surround yourself with people that the you chose.
Family supports you. When the support stops, your obligation to them also stops.
Post # 14
@t7rnap: Your last line, so true.
Post # 15
@christi_627: THANK YOU! to everyone for giving such reassuring, realistic feedback! They have severed our relationship indefinitely, and i won’t have to carry the guilt of walking away from them. I am actually relieved that it’s over! Hooray wedding and new start!!!
Post # 16
I can empathize. My family sounds very similar, thus why we eloped. Either way I am sorry they are doing this to you. It still hurts regardless of how unsurprised you are by the actions. I heard some advice a couple of months ago regarding family…do not expect them to be people they are not. If you go in with the expectation they will be (insert crappy behaviors here) then you will not be disappointed.