(Closed) Wedding 5 days away and my Family ‘announced’ they aren’t coming…none of them

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh man! So srry you are going through this, it’s awful!! Hinestly, though, maybe its for the best FOR YOU that she not come. It sounds like you are an awesome person, I would stop trying to earn her approval.  

I have this kind of relationship wth my family. I am the one who is successful, so I am the weirdo. I have family members in and out of jail and on drugs and those are the ones my mother caters to. And I don’t care, because if being trash is the only way to get her approval, I am not interested. But it took a while for me to get there. 

 

I hope things get better for you. Just try to be excited for your wedding and being with your Fiance. You’re living your life the right way, don’t let these people drag you down.

Post # 4
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I haven’t had a similar experience, but I just wanted to say I truly feel for you…sounds like a sucky situation :-/ But good for you for being different…for choosing a loving, successful life..appreciate those people that love you and are attending your wedding to support your new life

Post # 5
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job handling an awful situation.  *hugs*

I don’t know if this is something you’re already aware of, but what you’ve written here is classic dysfunctional family dynamics when one person manages to escape the dysfunction.  It also has shades of “black sheep”–in a dysfunctional family, one person is designated as the whipping boy for all the family’s problems.  It’s all part of their denial and lack of personal responsibility.  It has ZERO to do with your behavior toward them, or who you are on a fundamental level.

All I can tell you is to focus on all the great things you mentioned.  You escaped–you’re the healthy, happy, independent, whole one.  Don’t let them steal that from you in even the slightest way by disturbing your equilibrium or making cry over your wedding.

Have a happy, joyous, wonderful wedding!!  It’s the best revenge.  😉

Post # 6
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@christi_627:  Wow!  I’m sorry.  Enjoy your day with your new husband, his family and your friends.   Don’t be embarrassed.  It sounds like you don’t need their drama in your life or at your wedding.  You are creating a wonderful new family.

Post # 7
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@creativeplannertobee:  Dang, that one makes me wish WeddingBee had a “Like” button.  Guess I’m spending too much time on FB, haha!

Post # 8
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is my life!!! This is exactly happening to me with not only my Mom, but my Dad and his wife. I always wonder if other people have toxic FAMILIES and not just a toxic parent/sibling.

I, too, have a great life/FI/daughter/house/life. They just can’t accept it. Misery loves company but I do not answer the door!!!

My advice it to ignore it. do not give in to their tantrums/demands/threats. I started doing this last year and it has made me feel so much better! Don’t want to hear about my wedding, fam? Then I surely won’t tell you when you bring it up with snide remarks.

Post # 9
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@christi_627:  At this point, I would stop catering to them, stop dealing with them, and let them be miserable together. Confirm with them one last time they are not coming, get your money back from the venue on their plates, and enjoy your wedding. Have a hostess/security/someone with a machete at the door in case they all of a sudden decide to come and blockthem from getting in.

You’ve done enough to try to please them. That is the fuel to their fire. Ignore them. Change numbers, block FB, ignore ignore ignore

Post # 10
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I too come from a toxic family, although in my case it’s on my father’s side. I would just do as other PP said, and ignore them – don’t give your mother the satisfaction of ruining your day.

Other advice, read “toxic parents”; it will give you immense insight, and explain how you can’t change your parents but you can change how their behavior affects you as a person.

Also remember, Love is Thicker than Blood. This is my mantra for life. Those who treat you right and support you (like your Fiance and In-laws) are true family – and they will be there to support you on your big day!

Post # 11
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My mother is the same.  Totally unsupportive, totally self obsessed, totally negative. Never has a good word to say about anything or anybody.  Being around her is draining and depressing. 

I made the choice about a decade ago that I would limit my interactions with her to the minimum possible. It’s made easier by the fact that I live in the UK and she lives in Australia.  I’ve only been back to visit twice in 10 years.  I realised that her attitude was never going to improve, and being her daughter did not mean that I had to endure it.  I was helped by counselling to realise that she is an adult and I’m not responsible for her.

My mother doesn’t even know that I’m engaged.  I didn’t invite her to my wedding to my ex H – I didn’t want her negativity ruining a happy time.  Sometimes I get upset, especially when I see friends (and my FI) having normal relationships with their families. I also know that my Future Father-In-Law judges me on the fact I don’t have the same family dynamic. 

Your mother has done you a favour.  Like other PPs have said, I would look forward to having a happy wedding and the new family you and your Fiance will be creating. 

Post # 12
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry!  What is up with these drama mamas?  This sounds like my mohter.

She told me she it wasn’t worth coming to my wedding (she’d have to fly) because I couldn’t host her in my house before and after my own wedding.  I said any other time I’d love to play hostess, but not this trip.  She was only a guest!  I never asked her for one single thing.

Hugs, you sound like a wonderful woman who is very level headed!

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Cut those bitches loose.  My family pulled similar bullshit with me, and I cut those bitches loose.  Save yourself the frustration, pull off the Band-Aid and surround yourself with people that the you chose.

Family supports you.  When the support stops, your obligation to them also stops.

Post # 16
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I can empathize. My family sounds very similar, thus why we eloped. Either way I am sorry they are doing this to you. It still hurts regardless of how unsurprised you are by the actions. I heard some advice a couple of months ago regarding family…do not expect them to be people they are not. If you go in with the expectation they will be (insert crappy behaviors here) then you will not be disappointed.

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