Post # 1
FI’s real mother lives in England (we are in the US) and hasn’t been to ANY of his special events since he was 2. That’s when she left, when she decided to take his older brother and not Fiance because he was “too much trouble”. They have a weird relationship, of her pretending they see each other all teh time (posts pictures of him constanly on FB as if she were there to see him grow up) and they continue to talk via email and phone once or twice a year.
Cut to his step-mother, who has been there since he was 12. He calls her ‘mom’, she acts as his mom, she is here, meeting all my family and doing wedding stuff with us. (I love her!)
Well, when it came time for my parents to do the newspaper engagement announcement, I asked Fiance if he wanted to list his real mom as his parents. He said no, just do ‘son of *dad’s name* and *step-mom’s name*.
Well, I was so excited, so I posted the online link on my FB this morning. To which we both get an email from his real mom saying how hurt she was by it.
Now Fiance is blaming me for posting it on FB. I feel awfull, and I shouldn’t have posted it, but I wasn’t thinking because I was so excited. If I’d known it would have been an issue I wouldn’t have, but he said not to include her.
I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. 🙁
Post # 3
Ugh, tough situation. I really don’t kow what to do in that situation. I don’t really think you owe her an apology, she’s the one who hasn’t been around.
Post # 4
@strawberrybanana:Don’t feel bad, it’s his family drama and he’s probably projecting the hurt he feels about what his real mom did onto you.
Just sincerely apologize to your fiance, remove the post from FB, and move on. I don’t think you owe her an apology, in fact I wouldn’t reply to her email at all. It doesn’t seem like it could lead to anything good. (For example, what if you apologize, and then she responds asking whose idea it was to not list her, and she learns it was your Fiance…that would lead to even worse things IMO.) Let them work it out between each other.
Post # 5
Eek. I would apologize a million times to the Fiance and explain that you were just really excited to share the link with everyone and didn’t think about the fact that his Mom would see it. Ask him if there is anything that you could do to make him feel better about it.
I would not remove it from Facebook, though, because the damage has already been done, and it might look weird to everyone else, if you remove it. Also, you were excited and you guys deserve to be excited and share it with everyone.
Just talk to your Fiance and ask him how he would like to handle it. Don’t talk to his mom directly. Go through him. Have him let her know that nothing malicious was meant and that you guys weren’t going out of your way to be jerks, and you’re both sorry that she was hurt. This may be the point where he has to talk to her and be like “Hey. So, you weren’t around, and Step Mom has been a mother to me for most of my life. I’m sorry that you were hurt, and I’m sorry that this went down through Facebook of all places, but… It’s just kind of how things are. We obviously have a few issues that we need to sort through, and although now might not be the time for all of that, I hope we can at some point move forward from this.”
I don’t know. Good luck!
Post # 6
thanks for all the advice. it seems to have settled itself out. ugh. what a mess! thanks again for all the understanding, it just really helps to have people listen.
Post # 7
The idea behind an announcement is to announce the wedding, where everyone can see it. He had his chance for input on the announcement. He blew it, not you. He can’t blame you, and his deadbeat mama can’t blame you, either. Stop apologizing. The funny thing is, if the announcement had mentioned his birth mother instead of his step-mom (who I would call his real mom, in this case) the step-moms feelings would have been hurt. This was a no-win situation, so don’t worry about it.
btw congrats on the engagement!
Post # 8
@strawberrybanana: I think you did the right thing. It is your wedding your excitement to show. You don’t get the perks of being a mother when you didn’t behave as one. They should not be trying to kill your day because of their issues.
Post # 9
He needs to figure out how much involvement she’s going to have though. There are other things that the mother of the groom usually does (like the mother/son dance and light his individual candle for the unity candle) and he needs to be sure that he tells his bio-mom that he doesn’t want her to do it (if that’s what he chooses) well before the wedding or she might cause a scene in the week leading up to it or worse at the ceremony/reception. The last thing you need is some overly dramatic sobing during your wedding.
I had a similar situation with my dad & stepdad. My father chose to leave and never look back through my entire childhood then came back into my life as an adult. My stepdad and I were never close, but he still had been the one to support me most of my life when my father had failed at doing so so I respected him and didn’t want him to feel like his contribution to my life didn’t matter. Since then my stepfather has actually passed away, but I have opted to be given away by my mother and sister (also MOH) because they were the family that had been there my entire life and honestly, my bio-father doesn’t deserve the privilege. I’m also having a mother/daughter dance instead of a father/daughter dance. I have had to have the talk with my father though because it would just be awful for him to realize he doesn’t get his moment with me at the wedding. This was 100% my responsibility though, not my Fiance to get involved with.