- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2018
I’m getting married in June 2018, a destination wedding on Vancouver Island, because my fiance and I wanted it to be an adventure. It’s a 12 hour drive or 1.5 hour plane trip, and my family is furious and keeps telling me how selfish I am, and how self involved, and how awful I am for thinking I was worth that much investment of time and money. I knew a destination wedding would mean people may not be able to come. But I didn’t think my family would go out of their way to make sure I knew that I should be grateful if they bother to show up at all. I’ve always had problems with self-worth, and thinking I was unloveable and didn’t deserve anything good… But I’ve gotten treatment for it and I’ve been working on it for years and finally got to the point where I actually let someone love me — my best friend and fiance, who is the best. But my family’s reactions are messing up with the progress I’ve made when it comes to feeling like I deserve love.
But I can’t do anything about it except be patient and understanding and I’m doing my best. So right now, my biggest source of wedding anxiety is the dress. I have problems with body image, eating disorders, and anxiety, and it’s all getting mixed up in my head. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to look like this perfect version of ourselves on our wedding day, with a ridiculously expensive dress, and perfect hair and makeup, and that I was so focused on that, that I’m currently realizing that a $1800 dress and professionally styled hair and make up won’t make me into someone beautiful. I’ll still be me. And I’ve been struggling to be me for most of my life.
So I bought a dress! Whoo! It’s lacey and v-neck and ivory and champagne coloured and I first tried it on a year before, when I was suffering anxiety-induced nightmares about going wedding dress shopping and being locked in a closet and only given garbage bags to wear. I thought trying on a dress might help me get over it, and it did! And then, a year later, I went wedding dress shopping again, and tried on that dress again, and it was just… mine. And it came in back in November. And I don’t have anybody to help me try it on, so I tried to try it on by myself, and of course I couldn’t do it up, because wedding dresses aren’t designed for that! So I sat in a partially zipped up wedding dress for a while and cried and hated myself and called myself all sorts of names in my head until I finally kicked the thing off and felt like a complete failure as a bride who can’t even manage to be pretty for one goddamned day.
My mom was around for Christmas and helped me with it and it does zip up, though it’s super tight, but I’m working on that. I didn’t look in a mirror, and no one seemed all that impressed with it (except my little nephew, who pretended to faint because it was so pretty, which is sweet), and my sister just rolled her eyes and said “Good luck wearing that on a beach” and walked away.
Anyway, I’m obsessing over this dress. And hating it. And dreaming of this other dress I tried on that made me feel like a princess. Except it wasn’t ME. But what if it’s a better version of me than the me that I am? Like that other dress is somehow magic and will fix everything that’s wrong with me.
So what I’m wondering is, for anyone who maybe has similar issues like I do, do you have any tips on getting over this or support, because I KNOW that my hatred for my dress isn’t ACTUALLY hatred for the dress. It’s hatred for myself IN the dress. How do I get over that?
When I tried the dress on, I KNEW it was the dress for me. I just knew. I can remember that feeling. I felt like I could be beautiful in that dress. But in the pictures from the shop, I just look like me, wearing a fancy dress. And all I see is the parts of me that I don’t like. And all I can think of is how much money I wasted on a dress and a photographer who’s just going to take pictures of someone who looks like me.
How do I get over the disappointment of still looking like me on my wedding day?