(Closed) wedding blues… mother and MOH don’t approve!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

So sorry your family and Maid/Matron of Honor are not being supportive.  Have you discussed your feelings with them face-face?  I think that may be necessary, so that you can share with them your feelings towards your fiance’ and your feelings about how they’ve been treating you.  The only other option I can think of would be to have a longer engagement, so that your family has time to get to know your man.  If you don’t mind me asking, how long did you date prior to the engagement?  Or, have you had a history of failed relationships and they’re concerned about such a huge committment?  Just wondering…

Post # 5
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@mrsjordan – I’ve dated my fair share of men that were “needy”, believe me!  I’m guessing that your Mom and Maid/Matron of Honor are treating you this way b/c of the short dating period.  I bet they feel that they don’t know him at all.  Maybe you guys could spend some time together so that they could get to know the man you love? 

Post # 6
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Obviously, I have a very narrow view into your outlook into your life. So forgive me, if anything sounds judgemental. I just want to give you a perspective. But I would guess that your family is apprehensive about your getting married. I’m not sure how short your “pretty brief” engagement was, but its very likely this warrented concern. My brother got engaged after 3 months. And my family had a very difficult time reacting to it. It was just sudden, we barely knew the girl, and none of us we’re certain that they were good for each other.

Even though its long engagement period, its still a difficult sitation for your family. You’ve already made up your mind about this guy, but they may not have.  If they have any issues with him, they probably are afraid to express them, since you’ll side with your Fiance.

Again, I’m not trying to sound judge-y. I just know how it felt to be my situation. I’d recommended sitting down and having a really honest conversation about how your family feels about all these changes. Maybe you can talk about him spending enough time with the family so that, when the wedding day comes, he will feel like a son to them, not just a legal son-in-law. 

Post # 9
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but I’m going to be totally honest here.  I can understand why they would not feel 100% behind you right now just soley based on the amount of time you’ve been dating.  No one will know how you feel except you, so not to dismiss your feelings right now (I 100% believe that you believe he is the one), but 2 months in, relationships are still really new and exciting.  Two months is not very long at all to get to know someone at all.  I also know you said thats why you’re having such a long engagement to let the feelings ‘settle’, but the excitment of a wedding can also cloud that time.  Alot of people have fast engagements and really know when they know, but from the outside looking in, it’s hard to understand.  Sorry I dont have any suggestions, but just a point of view.

Post # 11
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I think if the people that you know love and care for you (like your mother and moh) have an issue with someone you plan to marry, you should step back and ask yourself Why?  I can only think that they have your best interests at heart, and maybe they are seeing something that you are not.

Perhaps it would be better to delay the wedding for a bit and give yourself more time to get to know your Fiance, and try to see, from an objective point of view what others have problems with.  There is no rush.

Post # 12
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@mrsjordan: Sorry for the slow response. I definitely agree that its not right for your mom to be hostile towards you.

In the case of my brother, my mother told us not to say anything. I’ll be honest. We were all nice about it. But now they are married and our relationships are strained with them. We all wished we had said something when they were engaged and now regret it. My brother has changed and not for the best. He’s pulled away from the family.

Post # 13
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I guess my point is that your family and friends might “smile and nod” like you want them to. But it doesn’t mean they are ok. They are acting out for a reason and these issues won’t go away by ignoring them.

Post # 15
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@mrsjordan: hopefully they are not completely similar situations. Because as we got to know her, we had more and more doubts about their relationship, compatibility, etc

Probably the best thing my brother could have done is allowed for an open dialogue with us. Its not easy, but we all would have felt relived if we could have spoke openly about how we were feeling in regards to the short engagement. Instead, my brother came home one day, announced he going to propose and got incredibly defensive to anyone who dare to be less than thrilled. He is still incredibly defensive when talking about his wife and has now put up a bit of a wall against us.

Obviously, I’m placing my own family issues on your family which may not be totally accurate or fair. I just know, its been 6 months since they got married and i’ve heard on multiple occasions that everyone is still bothered that they didn’t get to say anything at the time. I realize it is your decision, not your family, who you marry. But still know that family likes that chance to “approve” of the guy/girl and say “he/she’s a keeper”. Without this chance, its gonna be harder for them to accept the changes in your life. 

Post # 16
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I can totally relate, but sorry not on your end…my sister is engaged…to a guy she has dated and pretty much lived with for 5 years now…and we don’t like him. He’s not good for her, she’s a different person with him, not the person she was. He’s controlling and she did almost leave him at one point, but due to the situation she’s in, she didn’t see a way out. To add to it, besides my mom, myself, our brother and my dad not liking him, one of my sister’s closest friends, that she lived with for 4 or more years in college, doesn’t like him and agrees my sister is different, and not for the better, with him. I worry that he could go from just being controlling to being abusive, that tends to be how it works…So your mom and Maid/Matron of Honor could have points and while it’s making you mad and you are going to do what you want, if you can at all step back and listen to their issues/problems, they might have valid reasons.

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