Post # 1
My fiance…ex-fiance proposed this past Christmas. Just barely over a month ago. I have been with him for almost 2 years. We do live together, have our own, don’t have any major deal breakers going on in our relationship (like alcoholic, drug user, abusive, don’t share same religion, unemployed, dont want the same family life, etc). He had my ring for months. He asked my dad for his approval months ago. He even coordinated his parents coming to my city to enjoy the proposal/engagement. I asked him…after shouting yes, was he sure he wanted to do this. He said yes. All is going well. We finally find a place that meets our dreams. We put a couple thousand down on the venue. He was very involved in the wedding planning. So whats the problem??? He goes to visit his parents because of a death in the family and stays with his parents for 5-6 days. When he comes back, he starts saying things like my mom doesn’t think you like her, she says yall should have a closer relationship by now, and all this other shocking stuff. Now I’m puzzled because I have been talking to his mom just about everyday, excitingly planning the wedding. Then the next day, he says he’s having second thoughts but won’t explain. Then the third day, he says he can’t marry me carrying all these issues within our relationship into our marriage. So again, I’m like what issues??? He says well our communication issues. You like to talk things out, even if that leads to an argument. I don’t like to argue. I say so thats so big that we can’t get married. He then says we have differences, like different tastes in movies, im sensitive, he’s not, I’m emotional, he’s not, I can be indecisive, he’s not. I’m like I’m a WOMAN!! Of course we are sensitive, emotional, at time indecisive, and like romantic movies. Men are more rational, decisive and like action movies. So we can’t get married because of that??? We’ve only been engaged for 30 days. Those things didn’t just come up….I don’t understand why you proposed if these things are such a big issue that you can’t marry me. The next day, he sticks to the same story of not wanting to marry with these issues in our relationship. Eventually the wedding is thrown out and he just wants to be gf/bf instead of engaged. He doesn’t want to halt planning or postpone the wedding to work on these “issues”. Issues that I see as normal. No relationship is perfect and if the only thing we have is a difference on how we like to communicate, we can work on how to find better ways to communicate with each other that suits the other partner. But he’s like no, I just can’t do it. I have cold feet and am scared about this whole thing. But it just doesn’t make since to me. We just got engaged. Everything was fine until he got back from visiting his parents. So what do I think the issue really is….his mother. She is very involved, opiniated, and manipulative. He does everything for her….and she’s married. He does things for her that his dad should be doing. Now his great grandmother was living his parents and she passed. They were living on her check. Now that she’s dead, only the dad has been working and they don’t have enough money to live on. So I’m almost sure he cancelled the wedding to help them out but didn’t have the balls to tell me that was the real reason. This all happened a week ago and we are back talking but nothing like before of course. His mom got a job offer yesterday and now he’s all in my face. So that really makes me feel that was the real issue. I need help on what to do. We have yet to talk this all out. But tonight we have to talk because the wedding venue is saying we still owe the balance whether we cancel or not. OUCH!!!! Im in a pickle. Any advice? Even though it seems like he pulled a wimp move, even if it was to help his parents, I still love him.
Post # 3
DO you really want to deal with his mom for the rest of your life? Always feeling like she is more important to him than you are, and putting her wishes before yours? Because I can guarantee that this will continue to happen if you marry him.
If you can live with that, then stay. If not, you should start making arrangements to find another place to live, or tell him to do the same
Post # 4
What do you mean, he’s all in your face?
Post # 5
100% agreed. For lack of a better term, a “mama’s boy” won’t change. He will always prioritize her over you. Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t be so dodgy anyway… you want someone who KNOWS they want to marry you.
Post # 6
absolutely! get out of my brain woman!
Post # 8
though in the end you are marrying the man you have to keep in mind that you are marrying IN TO the family… which means wether you like it or not you are going to have to either deal with the crazy mother in law for the rest of your life knowing that your potential husband will always prioritize her over you, choose her side over yours, and ultimately jump she she says and not when you ask politely… Even though that doesn’t sound peachy just imagine haveing a child and dealing with your Future Mother-In-Law telling your husband how to raise the baby and you having no say.
I am not saying that people don’t change, I am not saything that there isn’t a potential for him to see this from your perspective, eventually, maybe, but I am saying that for the most part a person that called the wedding off because his mother suggested it is probably not who you want to walk down the isle with. Just my thoughts, feel free to dissagree.
Post # 9
Even if his mom is totally influencing him I hate the fact that anyone can influence a guy out of marrying the woman he truly loves. Maybe he had doubts before but is now voicing them after talking them through with his parents and getting advice from them. I don’t know but you definetly don’t deserve that. What a shitty thing to do to a person you love. Maybe you should leave for a week, not answer calls and take some time apart. Then see how he feels, if he still isn’t sure he wants to marry you then maybe it’s best to part ways. I am so sorry your going through this, its awful.
Post # 10
He’s texting alot. Wanting to talk much longer thant the short conversations we have had.
Post # 11
I’d would be giving him the boot, without a doubt.
Post # 12
this is fishy. any chance he met up with an old girlfriend during his visit?
Post # 14
I’d strongly suggest counselling, as someone who works as a counsellor a lot of these issues could probably be worked through in one or two sessions… At least to get him to a point where he can either figure out that he’s making a massive mistake, or better articulate to you what on earth is going through his head! You can maybe tell him that either he needs to talk to a professional or you’re going to walk away.
Being a mama’s boy doesn’t need to be a deal breaker, but he does need to learn how to recognise when she is being manipulative so he can still make his own decisions! It sounds like she’s the one with cold feet, not him!
I wish you all the best, this would be a heartbreaking situation to be in!
Post # 15
That is very strange. Whatever you do, don’t take him back just like that. He must love you to have proposed, but he needs to understand the emotional trauma he caused by breaking off the engagement, regardless of why. And he needs to learn how to react rationally to whatever comes up in life, whether it be communicaiton problems, or family needing financial help. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to postpone the wedding rather than call it off?! Weird.
I’d be pissed at the way he handled things.