Post # 1
So here’s my problem guys,
My fiance and I just recently set our date, March 24th 2013. We’ve been together 6 years and set it in a year in advance for two reasons, 1) its the date of my late fathers birthday and 2) we would like to give ourselves ample time to save money, etc. Upon sharing the news with my mother, she politely informed me that she will not be helping with wedding costs, as she simply cannot afford to help. This does aggravate me a bit, yes. Maybe its just selfish of me but she helped largely with my brother’s (failed) wedding, yet won’t with mine. My entire early adulthood, no joke, I’ve had to support myself (college, rent, insurance, etc). This is perhaps due the fact that my mother is a functioning alocholic, and basically lives just to care of herlsef. Unlike I, my fiancé’s family comes from old money and they offered to help in anyway possible. In addition, my fiance and I would love like to help with costs. Ive already put the wedding venue deposit down setting me back $3000.00. It’s a honor to, yes. Its just so expensive.
My question is: is it ok to feel a bit let down from my family’s side due to lack of contribution? How do I let my fiancé’s family know that my mother simply won’t help without my family appearing to look like total flakes? Is it normal to feel a bit aggravated at the cards life gave me when almost everyone around me comes from complete opposite situations than I? I’m normally not a selfish person, and I love my family dearly, but I just get so hurt at their lack of enthusiasm and support (financial and emotional).
Post # 3
I would not even mention it to your Father-In-Law unitl they ask. I honestly think times have change so much that parents do not help their children pay for their weddings. I know its not an execuse but you did say she has a problem with alcohol so she is probably n ot 100% all there. I am sure your FI’s family would not judge you about your family not paying because we did not choose who are our families. I have the opposite issue. My mother said she would help us out even though I know she has no money while my FI’s mother has not said a word about giving us money. It does not bother me at all and I think its our wedding so we might as well pay of it. Another reason I am happy about paying for most of our wedding is that way we can invite who ever we please and do not have to accomodate because they are helping for our wedding.
Post # 4
@louise81: I think it’s ok to feel disappointed about the challenges you’ve faced as a result of the family. But ultimately, your mom doesn’t have the money regardless of the reason. Whether she was giving it all to charity, spending it on alcohol, or was laid off, it isn’t there, so I wouldn’t dwell on it. As for telling your FI’s family, I don’t know if you even have to. Figure out what they’d like to pay towards, or how much they’re willing to contribute, and then you and your Fiance can pay the rest. If it means scaling back on a few choices to accommodate your budget, then do so. Or, let them know what is going to be contributed from your side of the family so they can decide how much they’d like to do (you don’t need to be specific about whether that’s you or your mom). Clearly, your mom has made some choices that have hurt you (emotionally, financially, or otherwise), but I’d avoid doing anything to disparage her in the eyes of your FI’s family.
Post # 5
I am in a very similar situation as you. My family, not only are they not contributing, but they are not even attending. My FI’s family have been extremely generous and are contributing about 30% of our budget. Fiance and I are coming up with the rest on our own. His family knows and understands my family situation, and I have become very close with his mother and stepmother.
I think you have every right to feel that your hand of cards is unfair, but try not to let it bring you down. I’ve already told myself I am allowed to be sad for 5 min on my wedding day, but that’s it! Your mother is missing out on being able to help you with your big day.