- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
This is being written two weeks after the best and worst day of our lives. It’s been two weeks I’ve been married to my soul mate, my partner, the one who makes me laugh and the one who is a constant source of support in my endeavors. But it’s also been two weeks of sleepless nights, nightmares about the day, and instead of re-living the wonderful memories, the day is hard to even talk about aloud. Everyone talks about the drama that comes with wedding planning, and we had our share of it, but no one talks about people actively trying to ruin your wedding day. It really isn’t spoken of because it is so heinous to believe that there are people that would tear you down on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Well it happened to us, and those people that ruined our day were none other than my husband’s family.
To give you an idea of what the wedding planning was like with his family, I’ll give you just one example. My husband and I decided that we would plan the wedding in 7 months because the venue was offering us a deal we couldn’t refuse. I would be paying for a majority of the wedding since I made more, but asked him to speak to his family to see if they could support him in contributing. He decided to speak to his mother without me about it. After he spoke to Mother-In-Law, she made it clear to him that they would be paying for their side of the reception, which was 1/3 of the invites. So, we send out the save the dates to all of her requested guests. About three months later, she tells my husband that they will not be paying for any of the reception. My guess is that she never cleared this with her husband (she doesn’t work). So, instead of begin an argument about it, I tell my husband what I am able to save in time for the wedding to cover this, but it would result in us cutting the guest list. He makes the difficult choices and we send an email just explaining that this is what we can afford in terms of invites since I didn’t budget having to pay for the entire reception on my own. In response to this, Mother-In-Law begins calling everyone in her family saying I am cutting out her family from the wedding. Mind you, the people cut were some people that my husband barely knew, and hadn’t even met. I decide to drop it and put some of the wedding on credit to cover what she wants.
Fast forward to our rehearsal dinner. Less than two weeks before the wedding, Mother-In-Law had not set a location for the dinner and didn’t do any planning for it whatsoever. So, figuring that this was also part of them not contributing anymore, my husband and I quickly chose a place and began choosing the menu. She then gets upset by this and said she wanted to host, so after we went to the place to check it out, we gave some input on the menu and let her finalize it. Since we had a lot of out-of-town bridal party guests, we wanted to give the option for beer and wine at the dinner. His mother seemed hesitant about it, so we explained that we would be willing to provide the open bar. We then receive an email saying the food bill has been paid for and “all beverages will be paid for the day of the dinner.”
So, when we get to the dinner, many of my husband’s side of the family already have drinks in hand. However, when Mother-In-Law enters she tells my husband that it will be a cash bar. So I give my husband our credit card, and ask him to put the tab on our card so people don’t have to pay. His mother then goes off to the corner of the room and begins sobbing, like really sobbing. Her sister and brother go off to console her. My mother sees her crying and tries to go see if everything is okay, and the sister rudely yells at my mom to leave her alone. Mind you this is the first time this family member has even met my mom. Mother-In-Law then spends the entire dinner like this in the corner, crying. Many of my out of town family members never met my husband’s side of the family and began asking about them, noticing her just sitting in the corner crying, and while I have been in shock with her behavior for most of the night, I figured I should ask her to introduce her family to mine. It was something I was expecting her to automatically do as the host, but when I go up to ask her, she rolls her eyes and I’m given mean looks from her siblings. She sighs, and then goes to introduce her family. After this, my husband and I are about to give thank you gifts to the wedding party, but to not step on her toes, I ask if there is anything she wants to say before we pass out gifts. Father-In-Law then delivers a speech, a really nice and heartfelt speech describing the uniting of families that this whole wedding signifies. He stumbles on the word – I think it was elated. When he does that, the mother, who is next to him on the stage, makes fun of him and says that he wanted a better word and she must have given him a word that was too big for him to read. At this point, several of my family members and friends are shocked, but he finishes his speech and we pass out gifts. After gifts, many of the bridal party on my side come up to thank my husband and me personally. However, all of his family only go up to him to thank him, none of them go up to me, save for four of the younger ones. As we are leaving, I try to say goodbye to the aunt (the one that was so rude to my mom) and only receive a dirty look. We both go back to our condo to get our stuff to go to our family houses and when I get inside I just start crying. My husband assures me that all will be fine the next day and he has decided to stay at the condo because the mother was already saying that she doesn’t know if she will be able to have him in the city on time to get ready.
The morning of the wedding is hectic but it’s my wedding morning! My mom and I go out to get sandwiches for his family in the two-hour block between the wedding ceremony and the reception. The night before, my mom said she had cookies for the family members who would come to the house to wait, but Mother-In-Law said that it wasn’t enough food and she would prefer sandwiches. So I drive to the store on the morning of my wedding and spend $100 so Mother-In-Law has what she wants. As we get closer to the time to go to the church, I realize that while my husband arrived and is getting ready apart from me, none of his family has arrived save for a cousin, the flower girl and ring bearer. I begin getting nervous he is by himself. I send my sister there, and she puts on his boutonniere and my cousins and uncle and aunts arrive to keep him company. The limo arrives, and he leaves for the church – never having any pictures or time with his family before the ceremony. Because his family is running late, I send my sister to the church to distribute flowers at the ceremony to those family members, and she missed out on all of the moments in putting on my dress, jewelry, etc. As I am about to leave my house with the rest of the bridesmaids, Mother-In-Law barges into my mom’s house with her daughter so she can get dressed. We then go into the limo and get to the church. I am ready to put aside the hurt from knowing my husband had none of his immediate family there for him as he got ready so that I can marry the love of my life.
As 3pm hits, we are all ready, and I ask everyone to line up. Then, someone on his side of the family yells at me that his grandma is five minutes away, so we wait. After about 10 minutes the priest comes to the back of church, and I say we are all ready. Little did I know that his grandma was actually 40 minutes away, being driven by the very same aunt that was rude to my mom and then didn’t even return the goodbye to me at the end of the night. I also didn’t know my husband asked the priest to begin the ceremony after waiting 15 minutes and then to make sure I was ready. So, I tell the priest we are good to go and everyone on my side lines up again. At this point, all the men on his side of the family walk out of the church. One of them says, “let that b*t** try to start, I’ll go in the toilet and wont get out for another 20 minutes until we are ready.” I go to the back stairwell after saying “all I want to do is marry him” and begin sobbing. They had not the tiniest ounce of respect to even tell me what was going on and allow my husband and me to make the call. At this point, my cousins go to my mom and say if she wants back up to confront his side, then they have her back. I have a lot of people trying to comfort me, but even they are making remarks about how rude and inconsiderate this is. 40 minutes later, at the time the original ceremony should be nearing the end, the ceremony begins. The mass is just beautiful, and I take some deep breaths and vow to spend the next hour just focusing on God and the two of us, and that’s exactly what I did, and it was perfect. However, we had many elderly and sick relatives who were exhausted from this long wait, several vendors we now have to pay overtime to, lost time in taking the pictures we wanted, and our priest was late to his next engagement. After the ceremony, most of his family, his mother included, doesn’t even come to hug us. We then start quickly taking pictures, having to cut most of the formal shots we were hoping for due to our time limit for the limo. This is when I see that I’m laughed at and hear “I guess her timeline isn’t going so well.” I later find out this was also a joke about me at the rehearsal at the church with his family that my mom chose not to tell me because she saw how much I was hurting after the rehearsal dinner. This timeline was requested by his mom and grew to be so detailed because she sent an email with about 20 questions in it – but was now the source they were using to make fun of me. His brother and many of the groomsmen kept giving me dirty looks and talking in a very rude tone to me – to the point where two of my best friends who were bridesmaids said that if they keep treating you like this, fists will start flying. Then, a few of them get on the limo, after we had to wait for them, with sandwiches for them and no one else, which was also provided by none other than the aunt that treated my mom and me so well and made fun of the wedding timeline. Finally, my husband and I were alone to take pictures and I was on the verge of tears. As we were taking pictures, I took some time to just be with him, but after awhile, it came out – how rude they had been, how this is turning out to be a horrible day. I am so upset that we miss our cocktail by 40 minutes, exactly the number of minutes that we started behind schedule, and so don’t get the chance to visit with our guests.
He assures me that it will stop. But, at the reception the mean looks, laughter, and mean words and tone continued, with more of my friends and family members noticing. I decided to let it all out on the dance floor – I’m normally a shy person – but not that night – and I was having so much fun dancing! Even then, many of his family members refused to dance with my family or me. This didn’t stop them from enjoying the front tables at the wedding while my family was in back, or the photo booth that his mom said was a waste of money and a stupid idea, etc. At the end of the night, his mother comes to me to say goodbye and at that point I had had it. I simply tell her “I have nothing to say to you” and walk away.
At this point I’m exhausted. Exhausted from the busyness day, but also exhausted from exuding happiness when I am broken inside. My anger begins to well up inside me and I send his mother a text pretty much saying how rude her family was and how this severely damaged our relationship with the family. She texts my husband who responds in a similar way. He then gets a text from his brother, calling me a c*n* and saying how we should be apologizing to Mother-In-Law because “they paid for a majority of the wedding.” At this, I’m upset – she is now telling people she paid for the wedding when I have worked tirelessly to save tens of thousands to pay for the wedding. A few hours later, I thank the one cousin that was there for Mike as he was getting ready by saying “Thank you for being the only ones there for him,” but hit post before finishing with as he got ready because my husband kept saying how much it hurt that no one was there, but he was glad they were. In response to this, his whole family blasts me on Facebook and even despite me apologizing for mis-speaking because we know they were there, they continue to blast me. We try to defend ourselves, but quickly realize this has become yet another venue to tear me down, so I de-friend them.
In the meantime, his mother has only continued to remind her son that “he is not a part of her life anymore” and I have continued to get blasted by other family members upset that I didn’t interact with them, not accepting the fact that I was scared to interact with any of his family because I didn’t know who was going to do or say something mean next. His mother even cancelled the check given as our gift that night.
A part of me is also truly hurting because of my husband – this issue of the way his family treats me has been bubbling for years and despite him saying he is going to handle it – it kept just getting worse. He also said he would deal with it for the reception, but the meanness continued and I keep seeing tons of pictures with him smiling and having fun and being arm in arm with the same people who made fun of me and called me names. He is very committed and passionate about them being out of our lives because of the hurt they caused, but I am still hurt by his lack of dealing with this knowing it was bubbling up.
I know this is a lot to read, and thank you for sticking with it if you did! I’m just hoping for some brides who had similar experiences so I know I’m not alone and I’m especially looking for advice for how to get past the anger and hurt that is eating at me so I can instead focus on the positive aspects of the day.