(Closed) Wedding Day Ruined by MIL and Family

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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bridetobe717:  I guess now you know that bending over backwards to please people like his mother is futile and will only leave you feeling dosappointed. In my opinion, your husband is the one who needed to step up to the plate and put his family in their place. People only treat you how you let them, and time and time again he allowed his mother to control and manipulate both of you and he did nothing about it.

I don’t fault you for paying for most of the wedding as I think if the roles were reversed and the man paid for everything most people wouldn’t bat an eye, but the fact that you paid for his family to be there and they treated you like crap is especially infuriating. I think at the very least they’ve earned themselves a long time out from both of you.

Post # 17
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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SaraJeanQ:  Thanks for catching that! 

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bridetobe717:  Why would you even post “Thanks for being the only ones there supporting him” on FB? It’s one thing if it was a text or private message, but if it was done on a public forum, I can see why there was outrage. Were you so upset that you wanted everyone to know your in-laws ruined your wedding day?

Post # 18
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

OP your Mother-In-Law sounds horrible & she’s undoubtedly painted you as a bitch to her extended relatives, prejudicing them against you before they’ve even met you. Agree though with SaraJeanQ about putting down your credit card to cover guests’ drinks at the rehearsal dinner, that amounted to shaming her. OP’s DH does not have to wade into the midst of FB drama and texting wars (childish on all sides), but he most certainly should have defended her against rude family members at their wedding.

OP, 2 things I would advise you here:

#1. Pick your battles-  stand your ground in insisting on being treated with decency and respect, but don’t allow yourself to get caught up into needless pettiness either. Mother-In-Law is definitely more at fault than you here- but you also could have avoided some of it. For example, you could have thanked DH’s cousin Mike graciously and sincerely without the jab at his family.

#2. Learning experience!  My former Mother-In-Law (I’m divorced) was a real piece of work, full of mindgames and petty vengeances (she did the same with my ex’s second wife as well). I was much younger and more hesitant to stand up for myself- but I did vow that I would never ever be the Mother-In-Law From Hell when my kids were old enough to bring home significant others. So past hurts, as awful as they were, actually taught me something invaluable.

Post # 19
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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jillbean1217:  if OP’s husband is severely disabled,  then I’m sorry if i offended her, however doesn’t sound like he is,  since he was dancing at his wedding! I  know many disabled people who make better $ than me by working in IT, web design, marketing,  online sales,  law, etc.   I stand by my words. If he is not physically disabled, and not actively ill,  he can get extra work and be a man, by protecting and defending his wife! 

Post # 20
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

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bridetobe717:  You, my dear, handled that with grace and class. If it were me, I wouldn’t have just danced on the dance floor, but grabbed the mic from the DJ and told my in-laws and other side of the family what was up…

On a brighter note, now the wedding is over, you are married to the man of your dreams, and you can start a family of your own. When they see how a family should be and should act, they will realize their faults. How incredibly awful for you to have that wonderful day tarnished by selfish acts of others. I praise you for how you handled things and not making a day full of drama caused by them. You are strong and now you have a partner by your side for life. Enjoy the times that are ahead! God Bless!

Post # 21
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It’s impossible to give advice solely based on what you’ve given is, because something has happened before these incidences to cause bad blood between the two of you. I have a hard time believing she just woke up one day to make trouble at your wedding. Whatever the cause, I strongly urge you to talk with your mother in law ASAP to get this under control. If you plan on being in your husband’s life for the rest of yours, the quicker you realize his family will be there the rest of your life too, the better. Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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tagerosan:  Not all severe disabilities or illnesses bad enough to make someone unable to work are physical/visible. I completely agree with you otherwise, OP shouldn’t have had to pay for the wedding completely on her own if he was able to contribute too! And how he was so friendly with his family members after the way they had treated her just before is deplorable! 

OP, as PPs have said, you need to talk with your husband about how he (didn’t) act when his family treated you the way they did. Was there bad blood well before the wedding too? Did anything happen between you and his family or are they always this type of people?

Regardless, you handled the situation gracefully and much better than they deserved, I applaud you!

Post # 23
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Girl…

If they thought you were a b*tch, they should consider themselves lucky.  Their behavior was deplorable, and your DH definitely should have put a lid on this before the wedding.  What’s done is done, so all you can do now is put this behind you and enjoy your life with your DH.  Also, I would never suggest posting on social media as you did in this case.  You should have sent the cousin a text or something non-public.  That did nothing but agitate an already volatile situation.  Just keep communication with them minimal.

Post # 24
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well I’m sorry it was so awful. I do see how you fanned the flames with the bar thing, uinviting guests, and the really ill advised public FB post. And your DH really failed you along the way. I hope you can repair relations one day

Post # 26
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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bridetobe717:  I’m so sorry this all happened. I read it all and it’s just terrible. Next time, the family doesn’t come to the wedding! Haha, no next time, I know. BUT I do hope you will distance yourself from these awful people. This could be a lifetime of misery if you don’t.

Post # 27
Member
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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bridetobe717:  Ok now I understand more RE: your DH. Mine is fairly quiet and non-confrontational too, and it sounds like your DH did contribute, it sounds like he is a good man.

Post # 28
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Oh honey, I’m sorry. I hope in time the pain will become less and you and your husband will be able to focus on each other rather than those tearing you down. 

Post # 29
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Man, what a MESS. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable spending time with any of them, ever again. 

Having said that… 

 

I do think there were some communication issues at fault, like the big money issue (I don’t think you should count on money from anyone until you have it in your hand) as well as very different ideas about hosting appropriately. By paying for everyone’s drinks at the rehearsal dinner, you folks probably spent a pretty penny – how many guests could you have invited instead? You saw that as essential to hosting, your Mother-In-Law probably saw that as you flaunting money you claimed you did not have for paying for her guests.

 

I also do not think it is appropriate to cut people out of the wedding once they have a save the date unless there is a breakup and you disinvite the ex who wasn’t close to you. You can change the date, and radically downsize with a very good reason – or you can change the date entirely – but if you are stuck to that date and those people because they have an STD you have to cut budget somewhere else. I don’t think it is right what happened to you – I think your husband’s family is full of emotional terrorists – but I can see there was some provocation.

Post # 30
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

What a bunch of ass bags. Op, I agree your husband quietly telling these people to stop was clearly not enough, but he shouldn’t have even had to. So I say live your life and don’t give them another thought. They have made their beds and now they have to lie in it. They will not be at christmas dinner, they will not be at your childs first birthday, and they most certainly will not be at your five year anniversary party (granted you do all these things :p ).

 

Best of luck, and congratulations on your marriage!

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