Wedding delayed..

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

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hissoon :  I think you have to make the best financial decision for your family. What are your fiancee’s thoughts on this matter? Also, what are you two doing as a unit to ensure that you’ll be able to cover the extra costs when you do get married a few years from now? 

Im sorry you’re in this predicament, bee :/

Post # 17
375 posts
Helper bee

Regardless of the reason, I found that responding, “we are in no rush” or “we decided on a long enagement” were easy responses to those uncomfortable questions.  If the person was less than polite and asked why, I would say, “we will get to it when we get to it.”  It’s an effective non-answer answer.  

Post # 18
40 posts

youre doing the right thing to prioritze the needs of your kids. im sorry it comes at the expense of your wedding though 🙁 

i agree with pp that the best repsonse is a simple one. “we decided on a longer engagement” answers the question without having to give up your personal business


Post # 19
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I think the others are right: just say something general. We were engaged for almost 4 years and nobody cared about it being so long haha. But I know that it depends on the customs from the place you live and the circle of people you’re surrounded.

And for the persons that you feel closer to, you could give them further details if you feel like it.

And DON’T let anyone make you feel bad about taking a decision that is based on the wellbeing of your kid and your financial situation! You’re doing the right thing.

Post # 20
647 posts
Busy bee

I read that you are sad about not being able to get married. However, sounds like you two are working as a good team together, and being honest about he financial implications.

Have you considered having a wedding without being legally married? Have a ceremony, everything except the legal status/marriage license. The LGBTQ community had being doing that for years – married in every way except legally.

Post # 21
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

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hotdoglover :  Yes, this. When my fiance and I get married, we’re going to file separately to avoid the increase, unless he decides to go back to school. Filing jointly would probably double my payments. :/

To OP, I know it’s frustrating, but remember that commitment is the way you two value it. There are a few legal benefits to marriage, but it’s overall not a huge difference. You’re still just as legitimately a partnership!

Post # 22
901 posts
Busy bee

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mrstodd2bee :  What’s up with the shaming? Are we really that incapable of a little empathy? 

Post # 23
1489 posts
Bumble bee

You could always have a commitment ceremony on your chosen date, and exchange rings, but not get legally married. And have a legal wedding down the track once the kids have grown up. Marriage isn’t always what’s best for every family.

Post # 24
5250 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m pretty sure in the UK if you are living together as a family, particularly as you are sharing finances as you are then it would still affect your entitlement to certain benefits even without the actual wedding so you might want to look into that where you are. 

If marriage isn’t the right thing for you now though there is no need to tell other people, it isn’t their business. If you need to say something just tell them it isn’t your focus right now. 

Post # 25
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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techmom :  Um what “shaming”??? I asked: “So you’re on public assistance? Thus if you have an actual husband rather than just a (live in) “friend” you lose financial benefits because his income will now be counted.  Is that what you mean?”

Gtfo, nothing rude.

Post # 26
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ultimately, you have to make the best decision for your children.  I was all set to get super judgy until your brought up the health insurance issue.  It’s a legitimate concern and it sucks that needing to have it can dictate our choices.  A cousin of mine receives state insurance due to having a low income.  Because he has several health issues, he cannot afford to lose this insurance unless he gets a job with good health benefits which is unlikely to happen at this point.  So he’s stuck, at least for the time being.  One of the medications he takes would be over $3000 a month without insurance.  

If you want to have a commitment ceremony and exchange rings, by all means do so.  Please don’t call it a wedding though, because it isn’t.  

Post # 27
866 posts
Busy bee

This is so tough! You’re doing a commendable thing by putting your children first. I’m Canadian so I never would even have thought of the way your healthcare could be affected. This is a very eye opening scenario. 

My only (possibly?) Helpful thing to add is, will living common law not do the same thing? FH and I have to file our taxes as common-law anyways, so in alot of ways the government treats us as married. But maybe common-law is different in the US?

Post # 28
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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hissoon : The health care situation in the States is abysmal. You’re doing the right thing looking out for your kids’ health care first before marriage. I would just tell people that you’re in no rush, or you’re focusing on the kids for now, or something general like that. I agree with PP that if you want to have a “wedding” ceremony without the legal bit just to celebrate with friends and family you can! But there is no shame in having a long engagement. 

Post # 29
26 posts
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Estes Park, CO

Look into the effects of “married filing separately” on your deductions before you go that route. My now ex husband and I were going to do that for the year we were separated before our divorce and we would have taken a huge hit. Better for us to work out a joint filing and split the refund, by FAR. 

And if you’re having trouble affording insurance for your kids, I would seriously go after their bio father for that. It’s not right for the burden to be 100% on you. 

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