Wedding delayed..

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
hissoon :  I think you have to make the best financial decision for your family. What are your fiancee’s thoughts on this matter? Also, what are you two doing as a unit to ensure that you’ll be able to cover the extra costs when you do get married a few years from now? 

Im sorry you’re in this predicament, bee :/

Post # 17
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

Regardless of the reason, I found that responding, “we are in no rush” or “we decided on a long enagement” were easy responses to those uncomfortable questions.  If the person was less than polite and asked why, I would say, “we will get to it when we get to it.”  It’s an effective non-answer answer.  

Post # 18
Member
43 posts
Newbee

youre doing the right thing to prioritze the needs of your kids. im sorry it comes at the expense of your wedding though 🙁 

i agree with pp that the best repsonse is a simple one. “we decided on a longer engagement” answers the question without having to give up your personal business

 

Post # 19
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I think the others are right: just say something general. We were engaged for almost 4 years and nobody cared about it being so long haha. But I know that it depends on the customs from the place you live and the circle of people you’re surrounded.

And for the persons that you feel closer to, you could give them further details if you feel like it.

And DON’T let anyone make you feel bad about taking a decision that is based on the wellbeing of your kid and your financial situation! You’re doing the right thing.

Post # 20
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

I read that you are sad about not being able to get married. However, sounds like you two are working as a good team together, and being honest about he financial implications.

Have you considered having a wedding without being legally married? Have a ceremony, everything except the legal status/marriage license. The LGBTQ community had being doing that for years – married in every way except legally.

Post # 21
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

View original reply
hotdoglover :  Yes, this. When my fiance and I get married, we’re going to file separately to avoid the increase, unless he decides to go back to school. Filing jointly would probably double my payments. :/

To OP, I know it’s frustrating, but remember that commitment is the way you two value it. There are a few legal benefits to marriage, but it’s overall not a huge difference. You’re still just as legitimately a partnership!

Post # 22
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
mrstodd2bee :  What’s up with the shaming? Are we really that incapable of a little empathy? 

Post # 23
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

You could always have a commitment ceremony on your chosen date, and exchange rings, but not get legally married. And have a legal wedding down the track once the kids have grown up. Marriage isn’t always what’s best for every family.

Post # 24
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m pretty sure in the UK if you are living together as a family, particularly as you are sharing finances as you are then it would still affect your entitlement to certain benefits even without the actual wedding so you might want to look into that where you are. 

If marriage isn’t the right thing for you now though there is no need to tell other people, it isn’t their business. If you need to say something just tell them it isn’t your focus right now. 

Post # 25
Member
3343 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
techmom :  Um what “shaming”??? I asked: “So you’re on public assistance? Thus if you have an actual husband rather than just a (live in) “friend” you lose financial benefits because his income will now be counted.  Is that what you mean?”

Gtfo, nothing rude.

Post # 26
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ultimately, you have to make the best decision for your children.  I was all set to get super judgy until your brought up the health insurance issue.  It’s a legitimate concern and it sucks that needing to have it can dictate our choices.  A cousin of mine receives state insurance due to having a low income.  Because he has several health issues, he cannot afford to lose this insurance unless he gets a job with good health benefits which is unlikely to happen at this point.  So he’s stuck, at least for the time being.  One of the medications he takes would be over $3000 a month without insurance.  

If you want to have a commitment ceremony and exchange rings, by all means do so.  Please don’t call it a wedding though, because it isn’t.  

Post # 27
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

This is so tough! You’re doing a commendable thing by putting your children first. I’m Canadian so I never would even have thought of the way your healthcare could be affected. This is a very eye opening scenario. 

My only (possibly?) Helpful thing to add is, will living common law not do the same thing? FH and I have to file our taxes as common-law anyways, so in alot of ways the government treats us as married. But maybe common-law is different in the US?

Post # 28
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
hissoon : The health care situation in the States is abysmal. You’re doing the right thing looking out for your kids’ health care first before marriage. I would just tell people that you’re in no rush, or you’re focusing on the kids for now, or something general like that. I agree with PP that if you want to have a “wedding” ceremony without the legal bit just to celebrate with friends and family you can! But there is no shame in having a long engagement. 

Post # 29
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Estes Park, CO

Look into the effects of “married filing separately” on your deductions before you go that route. My now ex husband and I were going to do that for the year we were separated before our divorce and we would have taken a huge hit. Better for us to work out a joint filing and split the refund, by FAR. 

And if you’re having trouble affording insurance for your kids, I would seriously go after their bio father for that. It’s not right for the burden to be 100% on you. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors