(Closed) Wedding dilemma. My mother thinks I am too young to be getting married.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you feel the need to justify your level of maturity and commitment to your mother, maybe you’re not mature enough. Full disclosure, I’m 23 and my Fiance is 29. If my mother hadn’t been supportive, I wouldn’t have tried to say “But moooommmmmm I’m an adult!!!!!” because it’s not her job to sign off on my marriage, and trying to prove maturity almost always indicates a lack of it. 

Post # 3
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

the best way to prove something is to show it.

show your mom you are ready by continuing with your career. Until the wedding day put your career first. Act like an adult (not saying you are not of course) and she will eventually treat you like one.

22 is pretty young but everyone’s different. Your moms just wanting to make sure you have no regrets. Reassure her that you understand where she is coming from and her stance but that you are ready, and show it.

Post # 4
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Choose a date. let her know you chose one and you’re excited to get married and have her support alongside you! Then do whatever you need to do to get married and start your new life! It’s not her choice and it’s not your job to persuade your mom you’re allowed to get married. 

Post # 5
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

View original reply
buddiroo:  Nowhere in her post does she indicate that she is stomping her foot and acting like a child. You said so yourself, you’re fortunate that your mother supports your marriage, but I’m pretty sure most bees would be upset if their parents didn’t support them on a huge, life altering decision (wether it’s due to age or some other reason).

Post # 6
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I totally get this vibe from some of FI’s family, not so much my own, though my mum was kind off side eyeing us when we announced our engagement (I wish people could be nice about this)

I’m also 22, Fiance is 24, we’ve been together for 6 years. We’ve been, technically, officially engaged for a little over 3 years, (set the date and officially announced it not long ago, as well as got an official engagement ring!) we were so obviously too young because we had our own doubts. Probably why my mum side eyed me, her 19 year old daughter got engaged and… well I digress. 

I say you tell her that this is a decision you are making for your self, and you are sure of it, and would honestly appreciate her continued support. Like PP said, best way to prove it, is to show it! Go ahead with your plans, I’m sure all will work out well!

Post # 7
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
TwinkleBoss:  no, she didn’t, but there’s a difference between “my mom doesn’t support my marriage” and “help me convince her that I’m not too young.” I’m sorry you were bothered by my rhetorical choices, they were perhaps over the top, but I stand by my assertion.  

Post # 8
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

I am also 22 and will be 23 when I get married. Fiance is 27 now so we’re four years apart and have been together for four years. I graduated this time last year from University, moved out, got a job and began paying my own bills which I knew would come with moving out. Sometimes I still feel like a kid, but that’s because life is hard and there’s a lot to figure out. I hear often that I’m “too young” to get married and I am young, but I’m also mature. This isn’t me trying to sound all grown up and talk down to you, but I agree with the other bees when they say you have to act mature to seem mature. Show your mom you’ve got this and you can handle married life. Being married doesn’t mean you have all the answers, but you should be able to work through problems on your own.

Post # 9
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Well, a friend of mine got married when she was 18. They’re as happy as can be. Another friend – 21. I think it just depends on the person and when they’re ready. 

Do you have any trusted men or women who you look up to that support your marriage plans? Maybe it would be good to have a conversation with them and your mother. 

Post # 10
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

its personal preference when you feel really. I was ready and got married at 20. X

Post # 11
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

I’m 25 and Fiance is 35. If my family tried to intervene and tell me their opinion, I’d flat out say I didn’t care what they thought. You’re an adult and can make your own decisions!

Post # 12
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I would be concerned about the age gap. He was 25 and you were 19 when you started dating? He had his college years to get to know himself and his early twenties to start working and learn independence. You haven’t had that opprotunity yet. Not saying you are too you or not mature enough. It is a legitimate concern. 

Post # 13
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
Shivani:  Your mother has a point. Weddings can cost a lot of money (they add up quickly). So maybe what she means to say is, “I want you to find a job and start establishing your career so that you can start a savings account. I don’t want you to go into a marriage in debt. It may be wise to save for a year or two, and then think about getting married.”

Sometimes we do not have the right words of precaution for our children (or when we give advice). I am not sure she is saying that you aren’t mature enough for marriage, but rather you are young, straight out of college, and you should focus on creating a successful career for a year instead of focusing on a wedding.

Post # 14
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would tell my daughter the same thing. I wouldn’t want my daughter getting married until she’s at least 25. But at the end of the day I would have to accept my daughter is an adult and will make her own decisioin. 

Post # 15
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Lots of really good advice from PPs. I’d also encourage you to think of the recent/near future timeline of your life as a series of major events. You’re adding a big one hot off the heels of graduating college. It’s a major transition going from living as a student to living as a working adult, and piling a wedding/beginning of a marriage on top of that is a lot to handle. Starting your marriage off with a stable job and financial independence certainly wouldn’t hurt.

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