(Closed) Wedding Disasters! Need Help to Get Over It!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
128 posts
Blushing bee

Awe, Bee, I’m so sorry! Though I bet you are critiquing it more than anyone else that attended! Perhaps just wait a couple of months for these feelings to lesson and then watch your video together. I bet both of you will be able to appreciate the good parts of the wedding without picking all the little details out that bother you. Hang in there and CONGRATS on getting married!!

Post # 3
25 posts
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
newmrsd :  I’m so sorry you feel that way about your wedding day! I think we all put so much pressure on ourselves to create the PERFECT day frown focus on the positives! You and the love of your life are now MARRIED! You would have looked gorgeous (I’m sure) in your dress and your guests probably had a great time, only you will notice the details that didn’t quite come together.

I say watch the videos and focus on how happy the two of you look in them X

Post # 4
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Oh dear!! I really feel for you that’s awful specially considering it’s meant to be the best day of your life 🙁 but at least you have your now husband and his family sound wonderful so hopefully you will have a much happier marriage together 🙂 

Post # 5
4891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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newmrsd :  I’m sorry bee. it sucks that it didn’t go how you wanted.

As a fellow bee that had a vendor who completely dropped the ball on her wedding day I can sympathize on how you are feeling.  I also got my videographer through the same vendor who switched out the professional i paid for(and saw his work) and gave me a uni student who had never done a wedding and didnt get my vows on video because he put his camera in a spot that ended up being blocked by the priest…. I also have a video that is badly edited’ unwatchable and the sound quality is like a home movie. :/

All I can say is it hurts but time does make you feel better about things. Life moves on and you resign yourself to the fact it didn’t all go to plan. Probably not what you want to hear but hopefully in a few years you will be able to compartmentalize it like I have.

As for you family stuff only you can decide how you deal with it all. Sorry bee it totally sucks what happened xx

Post # 6
131 posts
Blushing bee

[content moderated for name calling]

Post # 7
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Ok quite frankly you’re being a bit hysterical and picking up all these little details. Yes there are things that went wrong at every stage but you’ve carried them with you, rolling them over and over into this massive ball.

So the proposal. You’re husband got nervous. A lot of people get nervous. You didn’t enjoy it as much as you both should have? You’ve made it bigger than it needs to be. You’re married now you don’t need to feel sad about the proposal. It’s not the only romantic moment you’re ever going to have. The proposal doesn’t need to be the most amazing, romantic thing. Because the sheer act of someone asking to spend their life with you is the most romantic thing ever. You don’t need the bells and whistles. My proposal was “if you see a ring you like we can get it”, it was awesome.

The planning. Nobody is required to help you plan or fund your wedding, even parents. Yes you’d have liked your parents to have been involved but they don’t need to be. It sucks that they didn’t contribute what they told you they would but in that situation (particularly if you’re embarrassed about going to your inlaws) you should have scaled the wedding back. Be gracious and thank your inlaws, you can say to your parents you’re upset that they didn’t hold onto their promises but then you need to drop it. The venue going bankrupt sucks and it certainly adds a lot of stress to the planning. Unfortunately these things happen. It’s a major inconvenience but there’s nothing that could be done. It doesn’t need to still be bothering you. Yes you spent extra money and it caused unnecessary stress at the time but holding onto it now, what good is that doing? Is it getting your money back? Is taking away the stress you experienced or lessening the experience of being married to your new husband? The venue not being in the style you wanted is honestly nit-picking. The dress, again it’s unnecessary stress but why are you still carrying it with you? Leave a review for the shop, saying they were disorganised and move on. You don’t mention about the dress (other than the bustle) for the day, so you had a dress that fit you and you presumably felt beautiful in (if you didn’t feel beautiful in it, I have no idea why you tried to order it 6 times so that’s on you). People have had worst dress experiences.

The rehearsal. You were behind on decorating and people didn’t read your lists. Nobody needs to help you. Yes if they’ve agreed and then backtracked that sucks and raise it with them. If you’re assuming people will help, maybe you owe them an apology for assuming about them. Decorations don’t make or break the day. The venue might not have been your style and you wanted to make it your style but seriously nobody cares about the decorations but you. Decorations are not the most important part of the day. The important part is marrying the person you love. I’m purposefully ignoring your mom for the moment.

The day itself. Nobody read their lists, see above. If they said they’d help and didn’t read the lists, let it go. You don’t mention that anyone moonwalked down the aisle or something else completely far from the “vision” so I’m assuming it was all mostly OK. It looked like a wedding, even if it wasn’t the wedding you pictured in your head. Here’s the thing though, even if they had have read your lists, people are unpredictable. Whilst you think something might have been have specific they think it could have been ambiguous. So there is still the potential for error in people’s actions. It’s not something you can control (or should control if you could). The rash? Most probably stress. Personally I was really ill at wedding reception, I wasn’t able to dance as much as I wanted and I spent 20 minutes of the bathroom floor of our hotel room. You know what though? My husband still loves me, even though I couldn’t be the perfect bride. It didn’t stop me enjoying the day even though I was nauseous. It’ll be on your pictures but I doubt anyone but you will honestly notice. My bustle broke too. Sometimes it happens. It could have been the alterations that the shop did or just one of those things. Consider leaving it in your review (if it’s fair to do so) but you found an alternative way to secure the dress. It all worked out just not as picture perfect as your in your mind. The DJ noise that scared everyone, is literally one moment that people won’t remember really not worth obsessing about. The crackle on the speeches, the speeches are mainly for you and your husband so as long as you heard them it’s fine. Honestly people tend to zone out during the speeches unless they are for them. I don’t really understand the garter thing but hey some things work, some things don’t. We spent a lot of money on our guest book and hardly anyone signed it. It’s not a regret because you don’t know how some things will be received until you do them. If you let it, the limo will become a funny story. I would also contact them and say you’re unimpressed with their service and would like a refund but that’s it.

We had people RSVP yes and then not turn up. It’s rude and hurtful but there is nothing you can do about it. It really sucks that you spent that money but evaluate if those people are truly that important to you. Sometimes you need these wake up calls to re-evaluate that people might not think as much of as we thought. The hotel made an administrative error but it was sorted. Are you holding on to all the administrative errors you’ve ever encountered or is this one special because it was your wedding? Administrative errors happen, yes it was your wedding but for the staff it’s just a normal work day and unfortunately admin errors happen. I really wouldn’t recommend carrying around all the administrative errors you ever encounter because you will have so little mental capacity left to do anything else. Apologising for your family. If you feel the need to apologise for your family, then your problems with your family are bigger than your wedding.

So your family. You might not like your step-mom but your dad does. You should give him the respect he deserves. She is your step-mom and you definitely singled her out as not a parent. She may have overstepped the boundaries but you were possibly quite hurtful to her. I’m not condoning her actions but there’s more going than just your wedding there. These feelings are still there with or without the wedding. Family stuff doesn’t just hide in a corner until the wedding is done with. As for your mom, is she normally like this? Late, unreliable and inclined to get drunk? If so, you should expect that from her, again these things don’t disappear just because you’re getting married. You should consider how much she can help if that’s her normal MO. If this is unusual behaviour, then clearly your mom is going through something. Rather than feeling anger towards her, talk to her and find out what’s going on. Don’t allow your relationship with your mom to deteriorate just because she didn’t behave as the mother of the bride SHOULD. As for the people who came up to you and said she was making a fool of herself? They’re rude. Ignore them. Your mom is allowed to enjoy her daughter’s wedding and maybe she overestimated how tired/stressed she was and the drink hit her harder than she expecting.

You’ve given yourself this mentality that everything has to be perfect and carried every small and large thing forward with you. You need to see that if it had been any other area of your life you wouldn’t be so upset about some of these things and so there’s no point getting upset about them because it’s a wedding. Yes there are some big things there and they take time to work through (I’m working through the emotional stuff that DHs dad in the lead up) but let the little things go. We’re told that we have one day and it has to be perfect but in real life nothing goes to plan. It’s something we have to accept. We don’t have total control over everything and things come up unexpectedly from nowhere. Focus on the positives of the day, your grooms face as you walked down the aisle, your first dance, seeing someone you hadn’t seen for a while, whatever. You got married to the person you love the most and you were surrounded by the people you love. You had a great day.

Post # 8
1015 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry bee. I had a few minor things which went wrong and they bothered me for months after the wedding so I can’t even imagine how you feel. 

All I can suggest is to allow yourself to wallow in the negatives for a while and get it out of your system. I’m sure writing it all down for this post already helped to an extent. Then when the time feels right make the decision to draw a line under it and move on. At that point I would suggest making a similar list but of everything that went right and the things you enjoyed about the wedding. Also a general mini gratitude journal might help, like writing down all the reasons your DH is awesome and how lucky you are to have him. Doing this will help you to focus on the positives.

I get that it is all still fresh at the moment though and that you probably need time to dwell on the negatives for a while and get it all out. It will get better though I promise.

Post # 9
6534 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you need a bit of a reality check. 75% of the stuff you’re complaining about us stuff that other people didn’t do for you. But really it’s your wedding and you based a lot of your plans on being able to spend other people’s money and time. This rarely ends well, but it sounds like everyone survived, so let this be a lifelong lesson: don’t bite off more than you can chew (or pay for). It sucks that you had to go through it but at least you can learn from it.

some of the stuff is just petty, like clinging to disappointment over not getting a Pintrest-worthy proposal or your feelings about your father’s wife wanting a boutinniere. Learn to let go. Life is full of annoying or disappointing things and you can’t let things like that drag you down. Accept life’s imperfections and move on.

Post # 10
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Aw honey – I know you probably are really upset right now – and honestly, a LOT of stuff did happen at your wedding – a lot of people let you down. That has nothing to do with you – you don’t have control over the way people behave. You don’t need to apologize for the way others acted. They should be apologizing to you for the way they acted.

But, in the ‘big picture’ (take it from me – I’ve been married 25 years) – you have a great guy who will stand by you no matter what crap happens in life. 

Marriage is no picnic at times – even if your life is fairly ‘normal’  – you’ll still have to deal with things like sick kids, health problems, mortgages, car payments, job stress, etc… If you’ve got a good man who will stand beside you when the whole world around you is falling apart, then you have everything! 

I had a fairly sad time leading up to my wedding, as my mother didn’t like my choices and decided to never speak to me again. I never had a mom with me to buy a wedding dress – that’s where i really felt my mother’s absence very hard. But I’ve had a great guy who has stood by all my craziness for the last 25 years. Many girls get the perfect Cinderella wedding, and and are divorced a few years later – but hopefully you guys will still be laughing about it 25 years from now. 

Post # 11
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry Bee that things didn’t quite go as planned. Believe it or not you’re in good company as this has happened to a lot of us. Parent drama, vendor issues, etc. but in order not to drive myself nuts over everything that went so wrong I had to focus on the high points of the day like

1. When I saw myself after getting ready the complete looked and felt beautiful (couldn’t wait for my groom to see me)

2. That magical moment DH and I shared when our eyes met while I walked down the aisle. We only saw each other not another sole in the room.

3. That look of happiness I saw on his face saying our vows; it was like was surreal and how we both felt was bliss. 

As as time goes on, there will come a point when those things that went wrong or people who misbehaved  won’t matter to you. Just forgive but don’t forget at the end of the day was goal was to get married and live happily ever after. You got the first part down getting married now it’s time to focus on the positives for the happily ever after. Weddings are just 1 day but it’s the marriage that goes beyond that day. 

Post # 12
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

As time passes you will get over all of this.  Be happy your married your best friend and good luck in your studies.

Post # 13
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Oh bee im so sorry! I hope you can learn to get past these things and try not to dwell on them!

Post # 14
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I stopped reading halfway through, admittedly.

You got married right? Then your wedding was successful. Let go of the stuff you can’t change, it’s done and over now and being upset about it does nothing but waste your time.

Post # 15
7529 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You really did seem to have an extraordinary amount of bad luck for your wedding.  However, in reality it’s all in the past now.  Try to put it behind you the best you can.  Save looking at the wedding video for later once your feelings aren’t so raw.  Focus on the fact that you’re now a married woman and have the love of your life with you every day.  The past is the past, even the recent past is over now. 

However, if you insist on reliving your wedding day, you’d be foolish to continue dwelling on the negative aspects when you can so easily make just as detailed a list of the things that went well that day.  Why don’t you try doing that?  SOME things had to go right, right?  You said your vows?  Did he look handsome?  How was the food or the music?  Give us something, lol.

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