(Closed) Wedding Drama

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: am I wrong?
  • Post # 3
    2155 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    This sounds like a tough situation. I see both sides of the story here. I think she over reacted in the beginning when she immediately switched roles and that she didn’t live up to what she said, when she let you do all the work but the other girl kept the Maid/Matron of Honor title.  Near the end though, she may just be reacting to the stress of what’s going on. She may be hearing from the Maid/Matron of Honor on the other end and trying to balance things. Since you are her best friend, she may have just thought you could take it a bit better than the other girl. Near the end, when you dropped out of the wedding party I think both of you over reacted a bit.  She definitely started all this though, but I’m not sure what to make of the ending.

    Post # 4
    1796 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    She’s being a jerk and I’m sorry your friend is treating you this way. It’s hard to tell from only 1 side of the story, but it sounds like the big problem here is that she hurt your feelings and won’t really acknowledge that she was wrong and you are hurt. It sounds like her brain is 100% in wedding mode, because in all of these interactions it seems like her first concern is the wedding. She’s probably really wrapped up in wedding stuff now and doesn’t realize how she’s treating you. That doesn’t make it okay though, and I think it was smart for you to drop out.

    Post # 5
    7900 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    This is a sucky situation, but I’m really disturbed by how much of this was “sent a message” and “texted.” That seems very childish and evasive. I think you would probably be having fewer problems if you were talking openly and honestly about these things in person.

    Have you two considered the option of there being two MoHs? It’s not normally something I’m into, but in this situation, it seems like a good compromise. 

    I really do think she meant to do what was best for everyone when she asked you to step down to a bridesmaid and that it all just got out of hand. If you want to repair this problem, you need to swallow your pride and accept that she didn’t mean to hurt you and you didn’t mean to hurt her but you both hurt each other anyway.

    Post # 6
    11461 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I am so sorry that you lost your baby, and I’m also sorry that your friend has not been very sensitive to you or your friendship. 

    I also do not really understand the whole issue of matrons of honor and bridesmaids having to do outrageous amounts of work to be in their friends’ and family members’ weddings.

    I have been a bridesmaid four times and a MOH three times for a total of seven weddings, and other than going dress shopping with the bride and planning and hosting — or contributing to — a bridal shower, and participating in the rehearsal, and being there the day of the wedding to assist the bride and wear the dress, I was not asked to do all sorts of projects and other difficult work to help the bride.  I also did not expect those additional types of efforts from my attendants.

    I hope that your long-term friendship is able to survive despite all of the hurt feelings that have occurred in recent months.

    Post # 7
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    What is it with brides confusing their honor attendants for indentured servants?  

    Here’s my $0.02: when she asked you to be her matron of honor, the title should have been given out of love.  It should not have been contingent upon your pregnancy, or your ability to do the odd DIY project.  I’ve never understood the concept of a bride “honoring” her dearest friends by making them do assloads of work.

    I’m very sorry about your miscarriage, and about the bride being a… well, I’m not going to use the words I’m thinking of, but they’re not especially nice.  

    Post # 10
    1733 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    First of all, I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. If it’s what you want, I hope that you and your husband will be able to try again soon.

    I’m not sure when in August your friend’s wedding will be or how far into September your due date was, but I can understand that she was a bit twitchy about your ability to participate in the wedding. For instance: I was a bridesmaid in a wedding in which the wedding date was moved back two months to accommodate her sister’s pregnancy. (First baby, and it would have been three weeks before. No one really wanted to chance that.) That bride will be unable to travel to attend my wedding because she’s due two weeks after my event. I’m so excited for her and totally cool with it, but I can understand why your friend might have thought it prudent to not be totally dependent on you for everything. (And I don’t mean $$$ or DIY here — I mean that the Maid/Matron of Honor is often the go-to person on the day, for example.)

    Nonetheless, she still should have talked about this with you, especially since this would not have been your first time through this process! It was graceful of you to understand that she was trying to do you a favor.

    It also sucks that the new Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t pulling her weight. But here’s where things break down a bit, IMO. You understand that it would be weird for the bride to switch the Maid/Matron of Honor title back — even though she offered when you talked about it. You understandably want some validation for all the behind-the-scenes work that you’re doing — which the bride gave you. Beyond that…what is she supposed to do to make it better? I know your feelings are still really hurt about not being the Maid/Matron of Honor, but wouldn’t it be better to be the angel behind the scenes who everyone who’s in the know thanks?
    Also, I could be wrong from reading this, and I’m not sure what all the projects are, but OP has repeatedly said how much she wants to help with whatever’s going on. So I’m not sure that this is a case of Bridezilla requiring total devotion from her minions (although she really shouldn’t be working on stuff for her own shower.)

    There are various escalations here that suck — she never should have told you that you were making her wedding about you, etc. Anyway. I’m sorry that this happened. I imagine that there’s a lot of emotion swirling around here on both sides, all of which is very genuine. Hopefully the friendship can be saved, and both of you can destress and proceed based on what I assume was at one time genuine friendship and love for each other.


    Post # 12
    140 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I am so sorry you lost your baby and you have to deal with this kind of thing on top of that.

    Your friend seems a bit impulsive and/or chaotic but I do not think it is just her part that could be responsible for all of this tangled situation.

    I am sorry if I seem harsh but you are sending mixed signals – you say you want to do this or that for her, and that you understand that the second switch would be awkward, yet you still bring it up again and again…

    And yes, pregnancy is not an illness but if her wedding is in august – how far along would you have been by then? Even if you really think you would have been able to help her with everything – would’t it put considerable strain on you – I think your friend might have thought she was doing you a favor…

    And all after that was just her reacting to your reactions… Kind of a snowball effect if you please… But the last events are starting to be really harsh and hurtful, esp. for you…

    If I were you I would try to end this here and now – no more mentioning it (it is hard, I know, but I believe little forgiving/forgetting has never hurt anyone, especially if friendship might be at stake), finishing whatever you started and “going with the flow.” Maybe asking once in a while if she needs help with anything if you see she could really use your help (if she asks you on her own, help her without any conditions/expectations/regrets) – and you will be the person (even if one without the “offical” title) who will be there for her and that’s what improtant, I think…

    I hope my ramblings will give you a new perspective/make you feel at least a little bit better – hugs!

    Post # 14
    9041 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I posted this in your other thread:

    You are a bigger person than most- most people would have dumped this so called friend when she demoted you.

    I think you have been a good friend- good friends talk to their friends when they are feeling hurt and don’t bottle it up inside being resentful. I think she took advantage of you which is not what friends should do.

    I also think she was out of line to bring up your pregnancy and miscarriage (sorry to hear about that) as causing drama for her wedding. A true friend would have embraced your pregnancy and supported you through your miscarriage.

    I actually had a chuckle when you started writing about how the new Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t meet this brides demands- karma is a bitch!

    True not to feel too hurt by your friends actions and if you feel like still being her friend (which honestly I wouldn’t) then maybe wait til after she comes out of the bride bubble. She will probably have more prespective on her behaviour by then!

    Post # 15
    986 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage.


    I am the bride on the flip side of that coin.   I have a bridesmaid who days after I asked her, decided to tell me she was trying to get pregnant.  I offered her an out.  Not because she couldn’t plan things for me, but because we are getting married across the country and if her due date ends up close to the wedding, I am concered that she will be unable to fly (for medical reasons, or because it is too expensive).

    Finally, she gets pregnant, and I offer her an out one more time.   She is due in July, but will be breastfeeding and staying home, I already know they are struggling financially, I don’t want her to feel she has to buy a dress, flight and hotel room if she would prefer to be home with baby.   She didn’t respond to my second offer.  I so hope I didn’t hurt her feelings.

    Post # 16
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @MrsTimmy:  The difference is that you put the ball in your MOH’s court, letting her decide whether participating in your wedding would be doable.  That’s only considerate, and I’m sure she appreciates you for it.

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