- 8 years ago
I need some advice…and this is very long…sorry
My best friend of 15 years is getting married in Aug and I was to be her Maid/Matron of Honor.
In January I found out I was pregnant. I told her the minute I found out (well my husband told her because at the time I told him it was his fault) because I was concerned about the dresses. She called me right after and we spoke for about 5 minutes where she mostly babbled about having 2 Maid/Matron of Honor and saying she didn’t know a few times asked when I was due (Sept) and that she would speak to her mom and call me back.
A few hours later, maybe 4 or 5 hours she sent me a message on facebook saying that she had decided to make someone else Maid/Matron of Honor and me a bridesmaid stating that she wanted me to focus on my family (I have 3 kids) and that she was concerned I wouldnt be able to fullfill my duties like planning the shower and bacholorette and the shopping helping with the train of her dress etc. and the possibility of bed rest etc. She stated that it would not be fair to ask the other girl to do all the work and not give her the role. She said that I was still her best friend and that it’s just a title.
She called me the next day but I couldnt speak to her because I was very angry.
I was very hurt and offended and angry about this and I wrote her back later that day and told her that I was not disabled because of pregnancy etc. I asked her if she was sure about making me a bridesmaid and that it would be awkward and that I would still help her out if I’m not in the wedding, I told her that she should have talked to me about all her concerns before making a decision.
She wrote back saying that she was hurt that I would ask her about me being a bridesmaid and that she was doing me a favor by relieving me of my duties and that all she did is react to the news. She also said that things would only be awkward if I made them awkward.
Even though I didnt agree and I was still really hurt I decided to let it go, it’s her wedding and I didn’t want her to have any bad memories and because her intention was to help me, I have 3 kids and I would be pregnant and I’m the do it all or die trying type of person.
We met a few weeks later ( bride, Maid/Matron of Honor and myself) I spoke to both of them seperately a few times, the bride asking me to make sure that the new Maid/Matron of Honor is on top of things and that everything is nice for the shower. The new Maid/Matron of Honor seemed very into her new role so I left her alone for almost a month, I had a miscarrige in the second week of Feb.
The third week of Feb I find out nothing had been done with the shower (in April) I ended up planning the whole thing, me and the bride hand made 120 invites in 3 days, all the Maid/Matron of Honor did was hire a lady for one specialty table and order a cake because those were the things she was assigned. The bride and I are hand making a lot of the decorations and putting a lot of work into the shower, this part is not the Maid/Matron of Honor fault she’s not very crafty.
All this time I’m still very hurt, I wasn’t going to say anything to the bride until after the wedding, but over the past weekend I was at her house working on the shower stuff and she asked me what was wrong and said that I looked pissed, I just said nothing. Now I’m the type of person that has their emotion written all over their face so it has been very hard to hide all that I’ve been feeling.
I talked to my husband and a few other people about my feellings. At that point I was just upset that she always has double standards for everyone. That it’s not fair for the other girl to do all the work if she doesn’t have the title. I know that it’s just one of those things, we are that close that it’s ok that I do all that stuff for her and that she doesn’t need to worry about that kind of politness with me. But even if I know it in my head it still hurts my feelings. Everyone told me to talk to the bride about it now and not wait to prevent things from blowing up.
I spoke to her yesterday and tried to tell her how I felt, she said that she appreciates all that I do, she asked if I wanted it switched back but said that she didn’t want to do that because it would make things awkward. I told her that I didn’t want her to switch things back and that I agreed it would be weired and it would hurt the Maid/Matron of Honor feelings. I told her that I just wanted her to understand how I was feeling. I pointed out that the Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t really doing anything I reassured her that I didnt mind the work, that it’s the fact that she didn’t want the Maid/Matron of Honor doing all the work without the title but it’s ok for me to not have the title. She defended the oher girl, I tried to tell her about how she always tells me she has higher expectations of me, but she got upset and said that I am turning this whole thing around on her when I am the constant changing factor. She said that I’m the one that got pregnaant and I’m the one that had a miscarrige and that all she did was react to my changes. She said she was getting upset and that she would call me later. She didn’t call, and I decided to drop it.
The bride texted me this morning and told me that she was picking up the papers (I’m making her invitations) and dropping off my box of platters.
I called her and she told me that she would just have the invitations made and that they didn’t need the platter and ended the call.
I texted her later on and said that I knew what she was trying to do and to just tell me what’s going on and what she wants.
She texted back and said that she didn’t want anymore drama, and that she wants this to be a fun exprience, she asked that I finish what I started as far as the decorations and that she would do everything else with her mom.
I texted her back and told her that she’s over reacting and that I want to do this stuff for her. I told her that the only reason I brought it up was because I didn’t want it to become bigger than it is (too late) I explained myself told her that I just wanted her to know that her double standards hurt. Me doing the mojority of the work but ok to not be Maid/Matron of Honor, things being awkward if she swithced things back but she told me that things would only be awkward for me if I made them awkward. I was just trying to point out the double standard and I told her that all I wanted was for her to know that she’s hurting my feellings. I said again she’s over reacting, and that I never asked her to accomadate me with the changes in my life. I told her again I don’t mind doing the work and I want to do the work that I just want her to know how I was feeling.
She texted back saying that I need to take a step back and reasses what I’m doing/saying and that I’m the one over reacting. She said that if the position was switched she would have volunteered to step down because the wedding is suppose to be about the bride, she said that if it was my wedding and I changed her as bridesmaid instead of Maid/Matron of Honor then she would have taken it because it’s about the bride. She said that I have made her wedding about me, and that she would like to have a drama free wedding.
I texted her back and asked her how me getting pregnant is making the wedding about me, and that she should drop off the stuff tomorrow and that she still had my tables.
She asked if I was going to be a bridesmaid, and I told her no.
So what I want to know is am I over reacting? I don’t understand, I really see it as her over reacting. I never asked her to accomodate me…I think she’s being implusvie, I tell her I’m pregnant and about 5 hours later I’m not her Maid/Matron of Honor anymore. She didn’t even talk to me and asked me if I am capable of the job while pregnant.
I drop it and do what she asked step up and take care of things for her when her new Maid/Matron of Honor failed, I wasn’t trying to cause conflict, when I brought up the double standard thing I thought she would say like she always says when I point out that stuff “I know, I’m sorry, but you know I have higher expectations of you” but instead she flips out and says she will do everything. I tell her to calm down and I still want to do all this stuff for her, and now I’m the one over reacting and I’ve made her wedding all about me!
Am I wrong?