(Closed) Wedding driving a wedge between you and your mom?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@pb and j:

I’m not sure what to say-but as a mom, I think that maybe your mom (mom & dad?) are shell-shocked by the price of weddings??? And with this economy maybe they feel uncomfortable/embarrassed regarding the amount of money it will cost – but still want to pay for it???  I kind of felt that way-but I was determined to make my daughter’s wedding what she wanted with a small budget.  Are your parents concerned about appearances? Does your mom usually like to help with or plan social events?  Do you think she might feel pressured with helping or feeling overwhelmed by it all, and doesn’t want say anything about it.  Maybe you could call her and ask her what she thought of each of the venues-and just listen first, then think about what (why) she said it, and then follow up with your ideas on a seperate phone call?

I don’t think that “Momzillas” are trying to be unsupportive.  I think moms especially want to (usually) make your day the best they can, but I think it is hard due to the economy-maybe they’ve lost a lot of retirement funds? or they are worried about loosing income-possible job loss? Plus they may not have realized just how expensive weddings are.  And maybe they are not really sure what it is that you really want – or if they can/can’t afford it.  Maybe they are afraid that they can’t give you what they think you want/ or they just can’t Period.  Try to understand where they are coming from, think about their pride of wanting to give you an awesome day – know that they want your day to look good, for you, for Fiance and family members and try to be flexible (where $ is concerned to suit both of your needs.  🙂

Post # 4
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It was stressful at first when we were designing the overall feel of the wedding (choosing a venue, etc.) but once all that was hammered out, it was smooth sailing with my Mom. In fact, it drove us closer together b/c she pretty much planned the whole thing and just checked in with me to make sure I was OK with decisions. And when I had my dress debacle, she took the train up to NYC all by herself with a broken arm during a torrential storm to give the dress shop hell for me, that was awesome.

Post # 7
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

My mother is one of my best friends, too. I had the opposite problem with my interactions with her during wedding planning – we had a small rift grow between us because she wasn’t able to get as involved as she wanted to with the planning. I didn’t know, at first, that that was what was wrong, though. See, for my whole life, my mom has been the person most excited for me whenever anything good happened to me. I look forward to surprising her with good news, because I know she’s going to (literally) scream with excitement, cry, hug, and just generally make me feel like the most special person in the world. Well, at many points during the planning, I’d call or email with some detail that I hoped she’d be excited about, but instead she’d be kind of unenthused or even critical. This hurt and pissed me off for a while, until we had a talk about it and I discovered that it had been so emotionally painful for her to be 3,000 miles away from me during all this planning and decision-making that it was really unpleasant for her to hear about details from me. That’s why I was getting the semi-negative responses.

Once we hashed all that out, we were able to connect much more positively with each other. I tried to make her feel as included as possible, but also tread lightly around topics that might make her feel left out (like, I didn’t go into detail about my first dress fitting since I knew she’d be hurt that she couldn’t attend.) After that, things were much better.

I recommend having a talk with your mom, maybe something is bothering her that you wouldn’t suspect.

Post # 8
2790 posts
Sugar bee

We loved that one (as well as two others) but are leaning toward my mom’s choice as I thought it would help get her excited about the wedding.

It concerns me that you are picking that particular venue just because you think it will help excite your mom. I know you want to make your mother happy, and it sounds like you are looking for your mothers approval to some level, but I think that you as an adult need to decide what makes YOU the most happy not what is going to make your mother happy.

What if choosing that venue doesn’t excite her and you are then out 75% of your budget? What if it excites her but only that portion of the planning and the rest of it she is sullen? Could she possibly be showing less than stellar amounts of interest because she knows you will no longer be needing her and she isn’t ready for that? Maybe she is just taking her own time to adjust to her daughter being a full blown adult woman.

I think you need to make this decision based on what you and your Fiance like, how much of your budget your willing to let go of, and think about how far you can stretch that other 25% if you do decide to go with that venue. Also, I think  you need to talk to your mother. Tell her that you feel like she is not as excited about your wedding as you anticipated and inquire as to why she may be acting like this.

I’m sorry she’s being this way and I hope she gets on board soon! I know how tough it is to not exactly be on the same page as your mother.

Post # 9
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I cried the first 2 months of my engagement because of fighting with my mom.  My parents wished that we would do it where I am from for many reasons including the fact that it would be less expensive and it would be less pressure for them being that where I live weddings tend to be a bit of a show.  However, we chose to  do it where we live because we are 4 hours away from my home town and my parents will be leaving after the new year to go south for the winter and they wont be there to do the planning.  I wrote her a letter trying to figure out what her issue was, I couldnt take the fighting and crying anymore.  It made matters worse until we sat down and hashed it all out and really came to an agreement of what would make us both happy.  You need to do what you want to do.  I say talk to her, shes your best friend… you can talk to her ask her what she wants, why shes so distant, that it hurts you that she feels this way… lay it all out work it out and move on itll make both of your lives easier and youll be able to enjoy the rest of your planning.. good luck let me know how it turns out… but youre not alone!

Post # 11
2790 posts
Sugar bee

As long as you can see that that shouldn’t be the sole reason to pick your venue your on the right track!

Post # 12
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hey – I’m sorry you’re going through this!  I think a lot of mum’s are scared of losing their daughters to marriage – my mum always says that marriage is the last step to becoming a woman.  Maybe your mum’s scared that you being married is going to change your relationship?  I would take her out to lunch and tell her how you feel, if you guys usually have a really close relationship then it sounds like a good heart to heart is in order.

As for the venue – this is a massive choice, and will influence many aspects of your day.  I would go with the one that feels right for you and your Fiance and not the one you think will please your mum.

Talk to her, sometimes mum’s need a cuddle and some attention too – she probably can’t believe you’re getting married when she can remember you as a baby.

Good luck x

The topic ‘Wedding driving a wedge between you and your mom?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors