(Closed) Wedding Etiquette

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

One other thing I have learned on this board, is that very few posters really understand what the rules include. 

There are tons of posts asking things like;

do i have to have XXXXXXXX in my bridal party?

What gift do I give someone?

What food do I serve?

Do I have to invite kids?

Etiquette doesn’t govern any of these.  Etiquette does say that you have to properly nourish and water your guests depending based on time of event and duration, that you give a gift  that is from the heart and not out of spite, and that you can invite anyone you see fit.

 

Post # 18
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@bellagio: lol

You know sometimes I feel like etiquette is a load of peer pressure. Everybody has different things that are considered proper relative to the area they come from. I know my family has their own consensus on what they consider appropriate as opposed to just following nationwide etiquette rules.

I’m sure that people who come from homes in the US where they are 1st or 2nd generation American probably have a whole different host of rules than the rest of us too.

Post # 19
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

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@.twist.: The difference is that in the end if I buy you a toaster you get a toaster.  But when I buy you a couples massage, you get cash.

 

Post # 20
Member
1842 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@.twist.:  I’m getting married in September and our invites have gone out.  I didn’t ask for gifts or cash.  If someone calls me or emails me and asks where I’m registered, then I tell them (or I would tell them, we’re registered at this honeymoon registry if that’s where I registered).  I’m not asking for gifts from anyone, nor am I expecting gifts.

Post # 21
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think it’s about common courtesy all around. It’s isn’t fair or sit well with me to demand one thing while ignoring another. No double standards.

I get my thank you cards out as fast as possible (I got my bridal shower thank you cards out within a week of the shower itself, and my engagement thank you’s out within a month. We’ve already set aside a system to make the thank you’s for the wedding itself go just as fast.)

Similarly, I would expect my guests to RSVP as requested and to not make the assumption that it is okay to just show up, bring uninvited guests with them, or not call to say, at the very least, that there was a change in plans and they can’t attend. Why? Well, although it is a social event, in most cases is a formal social event where many other factors are involved. in most cases guests were invited by formal, written invitation. That should make a light bulb go off in peoples’ heads that someone had to actually plan to invite them and consider available space and food. There are vendors involved — not just Aunt Jean in the kitchen who has to chop up more melon for the fruit salad — but people who have to cook an entire separate meal for whoever decided to bring along their flavor of the week.

It’s about being able to look beyond oneself and not be so myopic. It’s about looking down the line and seeing how one’s decisions affect so many others, and having the decency to call ahead, respond on time, and say Thank You before the wish lanterns fly out of sight. 

Post # 22
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@.twist.: Well a registry is supposed to simply be a guideline for guests to get a feel for what the couple needs or likes. Most people don’t put the gift registry information on the invites so guests find out by word of mouth if they are interested in buying off of one. 

Post # 23
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@andielovesj: not necessarily. I could give you a gift certificate to a spa, or I could return your toaster and get cash.

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@milesbella: I totally get that. That’s originally how I started my planning. I already have practically everything I needed. We’re not going on a honeymoon (and the little minimoon we are going on, I can afford to pay for myself), yet almost everyone in my family asked why I didn’t have a registry. So I set one up. It totally baffled me.

Post # 25
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Cornflakegirl: I think your response is fantastic! I’m kind of envious that you managed to get some thank you cards out in a week! Whenever I send out thank you cards I try to get them out as fast as possible, but I always get sluggish after the first few.

Post # 26
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

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@.twist.: If I choose to give you a gift certificate to a spa that would be a lovely, and great gift, that I generated.  And yes you can do whatever you like with the toaster, but you still got a toaster from me.

There is never any possibility with a honeymoon registry that you will be forced to be massaged, you will just get cash.

Post # 28
Member
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think some etiquette is based on common curteousy that should apply to everyday life not just special occasions like a wedding, while some of it is based on antiqued traditions that simply don’t apply anymore.

I think thank you cards should always be promptly sent. The response to a gift should always be a prompt “Thank you!” either written or said. That is just common curteousy.

I think putting registry info in an invitation or having a family member host a shower is fine because I believe those “rules” are based on outdated concepts. Nowadays a lot of guests appreciate getting registry info in the invitation because it is easier for them than calling people up to try and get a hold of it. I do not understand how a shower thrown by the Maid/Matron of Honor is any less a gift grab than if it’s hosted by a family member.

Not RSVPing I can understand, some people just don’t understand how to do it or even why do it. However, inviting someone univited to a party is just rude, period. I don’t care if it’s a wedding or even a birthday party, if you’re not paying for it, you better at least call the host before deciding you’re going to bring someone (and the host is by no means required to pay for your guest’s meal). To me, like thank you cards, that’s just common curteousy that should be part of everyday life.

Post # 30
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

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@singasong:  Agreed.  It is asking for gifts.  It makes them appear mandatory, which they of course are not.

Post # 31
Member
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@singasong: I disagree. I like getting registry information in invitations, and I’ve never recieved one without it. It makes my life easier. I don’t feel like it’s an admission price at all. That said, I think this is very much cultrual/regional.

Also, I personally like it better when extra information like that is on the website, because it makes it even easier, because then you don’t need to keep/store a paper invitation (That’s what we’re doing). Not every couple has the time/resources to make a wedding website though.

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