(Closed) Wedding Gift

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sort of worries me that your husband never mentioned this debt to you.  Maybe he forgot about it though.  I guess I understand her not wanting to buy a gift because he owed her this money but maybe she was just nervous about asking him to pay it back.  Business and family overlapping make a lot of people uncomfortable.

Post # 4
8351 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

That is something that should be discussed between the two of them. Now that you are married his debts are your and your debts are his. I would let it go. It is not worth a family squabble.

Post # 5
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmmm. I think it is a little strange, but NOT worth picking a fight over with the sister. Depending on the amount of money, this may have been in her mind a rather generous gift. I see your point about how you two plan on integrating your funds over time, but the chances that she knew this are slim, right?

So basically, mum to the sister is the only way to go.

If this has thrown your financial situation with Fiance out of wack, though, you could negotiate a plan where he “repays” the debt to the house fund. If, for example, his sister forgave a $1000 debt, then you could ask him to pay the $1000 from his discretionary funds to your house savings. Personally, I’m not sure I would go there unless you two have a very structured approach to Mine, Yours, and Ours. If you do, though, this might be the best solution.

Post # 6
1154 posts
Bumble bee

It seems like a tidy enough solution.  Yes it’s a gift to ‘him’ and not to ‘you’ but as a married couple it’s all ‘yours’.  And I don’t see anytihng wrong with family giving gifts that are more about one half of the couple than the other.

I wouldn’t look at it as her calling in the debt – it was a gift – as a gift she forgave the debt – that’s pretty nice.  Isn’t having a husband that has fewer debts also a gift to you?

I can see how a reminder of a debt in connection with a wedding is :(.  Doesn’t seem the right time or place.  But.

Certainly I think your husband was more at fault than she is.  Ignoring a debt for a year and a half is a much worse breach of etiquette than forgiving a debt even if it’s done not entirely graciously.  So I would just forget about it and bear no grudge because she didn’t give a gift you thought appropriate etc.  Money is money. 

Post # 8
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would let it go! They don’t know how your finances are set up and nor should they and they are assuming that as a couple the debt is both of yours!

Post # 9
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

View original reply
@Lynn2112: I hear you, it is odd. However, look at it from her POV. She could:

1) Ask for the money while you are saving for the wedding.

2) Give you cash, and then some time afterwards turn around and ask for her money back.

Neither of these sound like awesome options.

The truth is, there are plenty of well meaning, but socially inept people out there. I would chalk this up to being well meaning but inept. My benefit of the doubt conception of her thought process is: “Lynn knows about the debt, but they have so many costs with the wedding! It is awkward to bring it up while they are saving for something so important, so how about I just forgive the debt as a wedding present!” Yeah, a little off, but not that bad. I would assume the best of her, and just roll your eyes at her awkwardness.

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