Post # 1
I will try to keep this short!
Mary is one of my best friends. In high school, she dated Ricky for about 3 years. He was a jerk, didn’t treat her very well, cheated on her a couple of times. He also slept with Courtney (one of my friends) a week after their breakup. Needless to say, Courtney and Mary don’t get along.
We are now 25 years old, Mary is engaged to a great guy, and one of my bridesnaids, so thats all in the past right? Wrong. Mary has told me upfront that Courtney is not invited to my shower or bachelorette. Courtney has remained a good friend of mine and I really want her there. Mary refuses and just keeps saying “You’re not planning it, I am, and I don’t want her there.” What do i do??
One of my other good friends, Jessica, has recently begun dating Ricky (I know, small town problems lol!). This stresses me because all of my guests are getting a +1 for the wedding, and Jessica will want to bring Ricky. If Ricky is there, Mary will throw a fIt, and I honesty don’t want to be dealing with that stress before my wedding because I’m already an extremely high anxiety type person.
But I also can’t tell Jessica that she’s not allowed to bring her boyfriend, no matter how repulsive he is or how much my bridesmaid loathes him. This situation is giving me knots in my stomach and the wedding is still ages away! I’m secretly hoping they break up so I can avoid this, but assuming they don’t…how do I handle this? I just know Mary will lose her shit if Ricky is there, especially since Courtney will be too, and I can’t deal with that!
Post # 3
wow yeah small town problems!!!!
Honestly when it comes down to the bridal shower and bachelorette party it’s who YOU want there…it’s really not up to her! yes she is planning it but she will need to get the guest list from you most likely and if you want her there she will just need to be the bigger person and just deal with it! That’s how I feel! You can’t just exclude people just to make her happy. If she was such a good friend she wouldn’t be putting this unnecessary stress on you in the first place.
Post # 4
I’m hoping the other BMs can talk to her :/ I know I wasn’t such a great friend too, because I continued being friends with Courtney after how she hurt Mary. I just didnt want to get in the middle or pick sides, it was high school…I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve dropped her but I didn’t and now 8 years later I’m in a mess lol
Post # 5
Also, this whole Ricky dating Jessica thing has come totally out of the blue and is just super awkward. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 6
@AbeeCee123: 1. Tell Mary that Courtney is invited, and that is not negotiable. If Mary can’t do what YOU want for YOUR parties, Mary should step down from the bridal party, or at least skip those parties and let someone else plan them.
2. Again, Mary can get over it. She’s happily engaged, so what’s the problem?
Mary is acting like a child. Lots and lots of people put up with much worse at weddings: divorced parents of the bride or groom. My parents had a very bitter divorce after 25 years of marriage. Despite the pain of the divorce (and my father being there with his new wife, who I am 99% sure he was sleeping with before he officially left my mother), my mother and father have both behaved themselves at family weddings (and other major events like christenings and funerals). And this happens all the time, probably thousands of weddings every weekend. Tell Mary that if divorced parents can behave themselves at weddings, so can she.
Post # 7
@AbeeCee123: If you want Mary to be one of your bridesmaids, I would not invite Courtney, Jessica, and Ricky to the wedding. If you want to invite Courtney, Jessica, and Ricky, then I would not ask Mary to be your bridesmaid, as this forces her to be in a position she has clearly stated she doesn’t want to be in. If you don’t ask her to be in the wedding, she can choose whether or not if she wants to go.
Maybe she should be over it by now but she clearly isn’t. By just inviting everyone, they will have choices as to whether they want to come to your wedding and when they want to leave.
Post # 8
@AbeeCee123: Problem #1, since she’s hosting, while it’s nice to consult you on the guest list, she’s within her rights to refuse. Just invite Courtney to the wedding and maybe hang out with her for a special lunch sometime. Courtney will probably understand that Mary didnt’ wish to invite her.
Problem #2, I’d leave Jessica off the guest list or invite her but explain that for obvious reasons, Ricky won’t be included.
Post # 9
She’s not strictly hosting. She’s one of 6 bridesmaids, so I’m hoping they can talk some sense into her as they’re all planning the parties together.
As for Jessica, I can’t not invite her, she’s a very good friend of mine. But is it okay if i tell her she can’t bring Ricky?
Post # 10
I hate to say it but this shouldn’t be your problem. You are all adults and its time they start acting like it. HS is well in the past for me and I just graduated college early so they have all had plenty of time otherwise to grow up and mature. If they haven’t by now then I can only send prays that they do soon
Post # 11
@AbeeCee123: Perhaps see if you can get her on board with the idea of having her attend just the shower and not the bachelorette? One extra event rather than two may be easier to get her to agree to. Not to mention it may be better to have them meet up at a shower where there isn’t lots of drinking like bachelorettes often have. If you’re having much alcohol at the bachelorette the two of them plus booze is a disaster waiting to happen.
Wait and see what happens with Jessica’s boyfriend. With luck they’ll break up and if they don’t, then I would talk to Jessica. Tell her that it’s nothing against Ricky but that with your bridemaid, you think it would be best for everyone if Ricky sat the wedding out. She may be angry, but hopefully she’d see reason.
Post # 12
@AbeeCee123: Tell one or two BMs that Courtney is invited to the bachelorette and bridal shower. Explain that Mary doesn’t like Courtney, and get them to specifically check that Courtney is invited.
It is very rude to Jessica to not give her a +1, when every other guest is getting a +1. You should probably forewarn Mary (but not until a couple of months before the wedding) that Ricky is coming with Jessica. But your guest list should not be hostage to the whims of one of your BMs.
Basically Mary needs to grow up. She’s 25, not 15.
Post # 13
Mary needs to get over herself or step down from the bridal party since she obviously can’t handle the social aspect.
Post # 14
@AbeeCee123: I completely agree with everyone who says that Mary needs to grow up. However, you really need to think about what the consequences will be of each possible action you take. And I know this is YOUR wedding and you should get what YOU want (and that is true) BUT obviously no matter what you do, you are going to be in a situation where one or more of your friendships will be affected so you’ve pretty much got to decide which course of action will conjure the least drama for you.
The fact that Mary is still this angry 8 years later means she is not over it and and it kind of sounds like harshness will follow if you invite all the others. She’s definitely the number one to watch out for and considering she’s your bridesmaid, I would most likely put her wishes first depending on how much she means to you..
Post # 15
It is completely childish for someone to expect another to not be invited to a wedding or it’s events that is not THEIRS.
She needs to get over herself. This wedding is not about HER it is about YOU. You should not have to decide this shit after years of being out of highschool. Pathetic.
Post # 16
Well I wouldn’t be stressing about any of this right now, you’re wedding is still a year away. When the time comes I would just have one of the other bridesmaids invite Courtney to the shower and bachelorette (I hate to say it but expect some drama if she comes though) and since you’re so far off I wouldn’t worry about Ricky now. If they’re still together by the time invitations come out, don’t invite him. You already said you don’t like him, your friends (other than the one dating him) I assume don’t like him either so why would you want him there. I had one guest that I didn’t give a plus one because I didn’t like the guest they would bring and really didn’t want them at the wedding. I just sent the invitation to the person, no explanation needed and as far as I know they never got mad at me for it. Really it’s your wedding and I wouldn’t want any drama there.