(Closed) wedding guest list – this has GOT to be the roughest part of planning!

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had no problem not inviting people I don’t routinely keep in touch with.  Honestly, I didn’t invite my college roommate that I lived with for 3 years, because I haven’t seen her more than three times in the five years since we graduated, and I only get sporadic texts or facebook posts.  I think you need to be realistic about who you do really talk to and plan on keeping a relationship with after the wedding.

I did find the guest list to be one of the hardest things – the other terrible thing was the seating chart, haha. 

Post # 5
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It absolutely is.  MIL had a list of 30 friends of hers she wanted to invite.  Ummm no.  We have a tight guest list and thats more than our friends we are inviting. She was not pleased and basically tried to say that i wasn’t being fair (WTF, FI’s side is way more than mine already). 

Fiance and Father-In-Law had to talk to her because she was bring stubborn and immature. 

I HATED having to cut people but we already have a large wedding, i cant invite everyone. They will just have to get over it. 

Post # 6
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@virgomasala80:  Not that I know of.  Most people understand that there are limited spaces on guest lists.  But to be completely honest, if they were hurt and said anything to me, I’d probably ask them when the last time we talked were, and make it obvious why they weren’t invited.

Post # 8
Member
3567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The guest list is sooo hard to do!! We had some of the same issues.  When it came time to cut people off the list, Fiance and I sat down and asked ourselves, “how often do we see this person, have we even talked to them in the past 6 months?” If/when people ask about it, we just explain that we have limited seating and that our families are so large we just could not invite everyone we know.  Some people just don’t understand how expensive it can get until they are planning a wedding themselves! 

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ha, there were a lot of people that we HAD to invite that we didn’t want to (family). Fiance struggled with your problem, though–he has a million friends and he kept wanting to invite this person and that person, and I’m like, “When was the last time you spoke to him? Actually had a conversation?” 

Post # 11
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@virgomasala80:  We went through this too. It comes down to money and priorities–is having a huge wedding with everyone there at a high cost possible? Is that what you chose to spend your money on? For us it was. Our initial budget was for 130 guests and my Fiance asked how much money he would have to spend to get everyone he wanted there. That may be an option.

If it isn’t, I recommend taking the guest list and dividing it into 6 parts. Each parent and you and your Fiance get 1/6 of the guest list. Family should be included with your parents guest list, as should their friends. Your friends can come out of the 1/6. If they don’t fit, think about who you couldn’t imagine getting married without having there– who has supported you more in the relationship?

One other way that we did the guest list is the post-it method. We got 6 shades of post its and wrote everyone’s name on them (immediate family/nephews/neices on blue, aunts and uncles and cousins at home on green, cousins not at home on pink, friends we see at least 4 times a year on yellow, friends we see less than four times a year on orange, and coworkers on purple). Then we set up the number of people we could invited on a piece of poster board and moved the cards in and out until we were happy– that way we could ensure that even if the numbers weren’t equal on both sides, all first cousins were invited and we got the same numer of friends.

EDIT: Because we are having a huge wedding with everyone my Fiance has ever spoken to invited, we haven’t gotten much push back. However, we totally understand when we don’t make the list. If I have to call you and ask you if you are seeing someone for a plus one, you aren’t close enough to be invited (but you would make FI’s guest list 😉 . People get it and semi-friendships don’t change.

Post # 12
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@virgomasala80:  No, I get you. Fiance and I have a lot of mutual ex coworkers who will probably be “hurt” that they’re not invited, but honestly, we never talk to them anymore. Lots of friends whose weddings Fiance attended aren’t invited, but the reality is this: we cannot have a large wedding. Fiance has a HUGE family (77% of our guest list), then my family and a few friends. I think he, like you, feels bad about picking and choosing, but we have to invite those who are close to us NOW.

The worst part is, he really has no idea who we invited, so he keeps bringing up the wedding in front of those who aren’t. He actually asked me in front of a couple if they were invited, and I nearly took his head off. Sigh.

Post # 14
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@virgomasala80:  Uh, yeah. We were at another wedding, too, surrounded by a number of people who ARE invited to ours. The wife asked how the wedding planning was coming or something, and he was like, “Good, yeah…babe, did we invite them? Or send a save the date thingy?” I had to take a deep breath first and say, very diplomatically, that we were keeping the wedding small and couldn’t invite a lot of friends because of how big the families are. Thankfully, the wife was like, “Oh, I totally understand that, weddings are so stressful to plan.”

He’s no longer allowed to talk about the wedding with anyone he doesn’t FOR SURE invited.

Post # 15
Member
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I really don’t understand mothers and MILs wanting to invite 30 or 40 people from their church, bible study, work, friends, etc…. these are people you’ve probably never even MET! It just baffles me. Thank goodness my parents only wanted to invite two families to our wedding, one family of four is their neighbor and one couple is a woman my dad worked with for years.

 

Stick to your guns. The more people the more money. The easiest way to keep cost down is to trim the guest list. Are these people that both you and FH have met more than twice? Are they somehow important to your lives? Are they relatives? Are you likely to be in a room with them every once in a while for the next 10 years? Unless they’re friends of yours or family, they don’t have to come to your wedding. She’s just being ridiculous.

Post # 16
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is you and your FH special day and if a person isn’t a constant in your life on a regular basis why do they even deserve to be there. Weddings can get really expensive so do you really want to pay money for a person who u barely talk to so after your wedding is over u can barely talk to them some more nope that’s why my list is going to be a breeze and if they don’t like it well who cares you don’t talk to them anyways 

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