(Closed) Wedding guest list vs bridal shower list – NEED HELP

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower, I am afraid.

Post # 3
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

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hgaskins:  If I was excluded from the wedding guest list, I would not be so charmed to be included on the bridal shower invites. If someone didn’t invite you to a celebration, but asked you to still give them a gift, how would you feel?

Post # 4
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

Ive seen this before and not sure where it stems from. Invite who she want to the shower!!! If people feel offended by it, for some reason I can not comprehend, then they don’t have to go!!! I think the “rules” need to be more relaxed in this day and age and people need to not be so sensitive to not being invited to the wedding. That is a huge guest list for just family and TRUE friends will understand and be happy to share in a day of celebration with the bride. Just my thoughts on it. 

Post # 5
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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hgaskins:  You can not invite people to a shower who have not been invited to the wedding. The ONLY exception is a work shower that co-workers voluntarily throw already knowing they’re not going to the wedding. That is the only exception. Please ignore the poster above who is giving you some very bad advice. It is beyone rude to say “you weren’t important enough to come to the wedding, but will you give us a present?” Would you say that to someone’s face? Because that is EXACTLY what you’re saying when you invite them to a shower but not the wedding. Don’t embarass yourself and your daughter like this just for some dishes and towels. Self respect is worth more than that!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 12 months ago by  Daisy_Mae. Reason: Removed excessive bitchiness
Post # 6
Member
47341 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Daisy_Mae:  In general I agree, but there are other exceptions to the rule. It is perfectly acceptable for any group to choose to host a shower, knowing they are not invited or will not be invited to the wedding. This includes bookclub, church members, childhood neighbors, etc.

 If the brides girlfriends, knowing they are not invited to the wedding, choose to host a shower, and celebrate her upcoming wedding, I would be fine with that. The key thing is the invitation does not come from family, nor are they involved in any way.

View original reply
hgaskins:  If the bride wants to celebrate with her friends, she could plan a luncheon that she hosts.

Post # 7
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

“You can’t come to our wedding to celebrate with us but feel free to come to the shower and bring a gift for the privilege”. Sounds a bit off to me. Have a BBQ or something similar for the friends who can’t be invited to the wedding. It’s really not that expensive to even buy some pizzas and drinks and have a little backyard party to celebrate. Just don’t make it a gift-giving event like a shower.

Post # 10
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So if the maid of honor is planning the shower, are you expecting her to foot the bill for these 40 extra guests? 

Post # 11
Member
8936 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
hgaskins:  “I have had times when I was not invited to a wedding or baby shower when I bought a gift anyway because I knew the people and knew the circumstances.” I’ve done this too. There is nothing wrong with ME giving YOU a gift regardless of whether I was invited to your wedding or not. What is wrong is YOU ASKING ME for a gift — any time really, but ESPECIALLY if you didn’t even invite me to your 130-person wedding. It doesn’t matter how big your family is. I totally believe it’s that big and you want to hear something crazy? Mine is even bigger. My dad is one of 12 kids and my mom is one of EIGHTEEN. Yes, you read that right. Here’s the thing though: We all have limited budgets and have to choose who is important enough to invite. If you have decided that you can’t possibly accomodate someone, it doesn’t matter WHY — you can not then ASK that person for a present. They know — like you did — that they are still perfectly welcome to give a gift if they choose to. But it is beyond rude for you to ASK them for a gift by inviting them to a shower. This is what everyone is telling you. Let them give from their own love and generosity rather than from you coming at them like a begger with excuses for why they didn’t make the cut but should still be honored at the privelige of buying your daughter dishes.

Post # 12
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

It’s rude, there’s no way around that sorry. No matter how many times you ask!

Post # 13
Member
6518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
hgaskins:  the only people who should be invited to the shower are people invited to the wedding and not everyone gets invited to the shower – only the women closest to the bride, BMs, aunts, cousins, grandmothers, 

It is so rude to be invited to a prewedding party if you are not incited to the wedding. Its gift grabby

Post # 14
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
hgaskins:  a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. To invite those who are not invited to the wedding to the (gift) shower is tacky and will be seen clearly as the gift grab it is.

 

Post # 15
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think it is rude and gift grabby to be invited to a shower but not the actual wedding. If they were having a very small intimate wedding (like 20-30) that might be cause for an exception, but you are talking about a wedding with 130 people. If someone feels the need to get them a gift on their own then thats nice, but I would never put someone in the awkward position of having to purchase a gift for a shower, but not having them come to the wedding for which the gift is being purchased. 

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