Post # 1
A bit of background, we have been engaged since September and are getting married this September. Prior to our engagement, I had mentioned that I wouldn’t be inviting my dad’s sisters and their respective families as relations have been distant & some things happened over the last few years that just made me adamant they would not be involved. Our guest list has pretty much been the same since September but we have had trouble with venues then were going to hold off until next year, but luckily last week we found a venue we both like that is within our budget… Hurrah!
So, back to the guest list, it wasn’t even a question that my aunts weren’t on the list & previously that decision had been supported, although my Fiance did say just to invite them but I was adamant I werent. (I’m normally a ‘yes’ person & end up doing things I don’t want to, just to please others or avoid any trouble but for once I wanted to stick to how I felt, especially on our big day). I had a chat with my parents who still agree with my decision but showed me the flip side because of course, my nan and grandad are going to be upset & it puts my dad in an awkward position and could potentially cause problems along the line, which I don’t want because I love my grandparents dearly. I stayed adamant and it’s caused a little bit of a problem between Fiance & I because he agrees that I shouldn’t back down when I felt so strongly about it (they really have nothing to do with my life, one aunt I haven’t seen or spoken to in 3 years & neither of us know anything about eachothers lives really, and the other has only started coming back into our life since my nan & grandad moved but the relationship had a forced feel to it and they only really started showing an interest when we got engaged).
Anyway, I’m now at a crossroads because last night we were at a famkly friend on my mums side party & we were all there & it was lovely but now I feel guilty on my dad that our wedding day is going to be very heavy on my mums side but not his. He isn’t close with his sisters, even he admits that and has very little contact but I can’t help but feel awful. But if I decided to invite them, it’s an extra 8 people we just hadn’t accounted for cost wise and our budget is very modest because it’s all we can afford & we want to avoid borrowing the money as we hope to start a family once wed & settled. Plus, we were trying to get our ceremony down to 25 guests which wouldn’t be possible now so would only be able to invite them to the evening, which seems horrible because they both live far away & it’s like I’m inviting them purposely for the evening because I know they wouldn’t travel 4+ hours just for an evening!
Ahh, sorry this is so long but I’m at such a crossroads! I don’t want to upset anyone 🙁 any advice is so appreciated 🙂
Post # 2
futurehuggie: I also have an aunt (but ony mom’s side) who I’m not close with, and who has created lots of family drama alongside her daughters. I didn’t want to invite them to our wedding because to me, it was a waste of 4 invitations (she has 3 daughters) because I know they won’t even come, and I really don’t even want them to know what’s going on in my life. However, my mom asked that I still invite them just to “keep the peace.” As you mentioned in your post, she said it would put her in an awkward position if they heard about the wedding but were not invited. Out of respect for my mother, especially since she gave me $4K towards our wedding, I will be inviting them.
To avoid awkwardness for your dad, if you can manage to stretch your budget to allow for the extra bodies, I would just invite them. You probably won’t even notice they are there, and will they all even come anyways?
Sorry you’re in such a crappy situation! Good luck
Post # 4
As you make your final decision you really need to take your wedding day out of the mix. That is a few hours out of the rest of your life. AFTER your wedding day, what will the ramifications be? Will your grandparents be really upset with you and become distant? Will they blame your dad for your decision? What about years down the road when you have to bury a grandparent and you are all together?
I am NOT saying you should invite them. I am saying you need to look at the long haul here and not just a few hours on one day. We all try to make the best decisions we can but we all have to face any consequences that result from those decisions.
I have a family member I would not invite and I would never look back. I understand feeling the way you do. Like I said, you just need to look at the long haul and not the few hours your wedding and reception will last.
Post # 5
Don’t bother inviting them.
My 2nd daughter to marry and my son in law didn’t invite one uncle/aunt, from each side. MOG didn’t even supply the address, for the groom’s uncle. I don’t even know the address of my brother in law. The only communication between families is that most years he and his brother (my husband/FOB) exchange a happy birthday e-mail. That’s it.
Backtrack to when my 1st daughter married and neither she nor I added that uncle/aunt to the guest list. We didn’t want them invited. My husband whined for a month, possibly influenced by his mother, who can be very forceful/opinionated. We ended up inviting them. 2 of 250 invited guests didn’t even have the courtesy to RSVP. Guess who that was? They never so much as sent a congratulatory e-mail. Nothing!
There was no way in heck that I, my husband, or our 2nd daughter were going to add them to her guests list; they only invited half as many guests, anyway. My Mother-In-Law send two nasty e-mails to the bride, demanding that his family (nope – it was adult only) be invited, because weddings are a time for bringing families together. My husband had explained it to her repeatedly, that there was no way they were going to be invited, yet she thought she could strong-arm the bride. I think the incident damaged the relationship with her grandmother, and it wasn’t that close, to begin with.
Post # 6
It completely depends on what those “things” were that happened over the past few years.
We didn’t invite DH’s aunt to our wedding. Darling Husband hadn’t been close to her to begin with, but more importantly, she had actively cut off contact after Darling Husband and his parents declined to attend her daughter’s inconveniently-located wedding (besides flying across the country, they would have had to rent a car and then take a ferry in their formal clothing to a remote island, where the black-tie wedding was being held in a forest).
There was some minimal pushback from DH’s uncle about inviting her in an attempt to repair the relationship. But when we pointed out that her last interaction with Darling Husband had been to unfriend him on Facebook and that she hadn’t been in contact since, he couldn’t really argue with that.
But if an aunt or uncle were somewhat involved in our lives (even if just recently) and we weren’t actively on bad terms, I would invite them.
Post # 7
Thank you all for your advice!!
It’s a tough one, the distance between us was a culmination of smaller things rather than a huge fall out that could be pinpointed as a definite end of a relationship & would leave no questions or doubt about their presence at our wedding. One of my aunts wouldn’t come anyway because I feel she has accepted that there is no relationship there anymore but if I invited the other, I’d have to invite the one who I knew wouldn’t come but then that leaves potential that my nan would get involved & make her come, but she’s married to a man who makes me very uncomfortable because of things he has done in the past and I would not want him there regardless of the relationship between myself & my aunt, especially as children will be at our wedding. As for the other aunt, we are polar opposites & our relationship has been pretty much non existent until my nan & grandad moved away then I’ve felt relations have been a bit forced. She got married a few years back & our family (mum, dad, me, brother) were not invited however the other aunt was and they used the excuse of it being a small wedding & to cut costs, everyone understood & no grudges were held, it was understandable. But now they’ve been a bit more ‘present’ and I use that term lightly, they believe our version of small includes them & if I didn’t invite them, I’m not 100% sure of what the reaction would be but I know there would be some negative backlash, which I’d accept as it’s my decision, however I worry about the backlash others would face. It’s also worth mentioning my nan is the gentlest soul but has a tendency to gloss over the bad and just act like everything is hunky dory and it would then be used that my choice not to invite actually caused the problem when these problems have been going on for years & have made me reluctant to invite them. A part of me also feels guilty as I’m inviting my mums sisters and my two cousins are my bridesmaids but the difference is, we are all very close & I couldn’t imagine tying the knot without them there as they have been there with me through the good & the bad & picked me up from some pretty rough situations.
Sorry, another long post but I just feel better getting it off my chest as the guest list matter is causing stress between Fiance & I as because of his family situation he won’t be inviting a lot of his family & we are already concerned my family is going to have a stronger presence.
Thank you all 🙂 xx