(Closed) Wedding in 11 days, and FI being so mean…. need a good cry (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hugs! Hang in there. Wedding stress can get the best of a lot of couples. I’m sure when all of this dies down, things will resume to normal.

Post # 4
5881 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Sounds like the stress is just getting to the both of you. I can understand how scared you are though. Wondering if you have a lifetime of fighting.

How were your fights before all the wedding stress? Was it a similar pattern of blow up and make up? Could be that the blow up now is more intense because of all the pressure. Keep in mind that the fact you are fighting doesn’t signify doom, it’s how you fight (After things calm down–read the book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last”). Do you still feel like he respects you?

Maybe you can write a letter to him asking him to be more specific about his fears and how you can help him. I would also ask him if he wants to back out. (Most divorced brides will tell you better to back out now than later) But I have a feeling that he just wants voice his fears, but not actually back out.


Post # 6
23599 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

*HUGS*  Everything will be okay!

Post # 7
5881 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

have you asked him how he feels about his parent’s marriage? He might think that behavior in a marriage is perfectly fine. Have you talked about what your vision of a good marriage is? I know my Darling Husband and I have had to talk alot because our families were so different–his *never* fought, but was also in massive denial about his Mom’s raging alcoholism; my family we bicker loudly (which he thinks is fighting) and fight even louder. Luckily, I’m not much of a fighter (unless I’m around my Mom–somehow I instantly turn into a 15yo), but I do believe that conflict is healthy, whereas he would avoid it at all costs. So we’vetalked alot about our expectations and how we can find something that works for both of us.

Post # 8
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

There’s something wrong here, even if its just the way you converse. When you sit down to talk about all the details he wants to know about, does he ask specific questions? who does all of the talking? Would it help if you make him a very super-precise itinery for the day so he can see that all the details actually *are* taken care of?  Is he one of those people who feels that things are never done until they’ve done them on their own? (I’m kind of one of those people, when things are really important to me sometimes its hard for me to let Fiance handle it).

Whatever it is, I agree with everyone else. You both need to put in a lot of time to figure out why the communication is not meeting both your needs. If you feel disrespected (this is what it sounds like) you should be able to tell him that without fear of a reprisal. 

One thing does worry me though, and that’s the fact that you expressed that you are afraid this is a larger pattern and if it weren’t for the money you would postpone the wedding. Honey, seriously, if you are worried about how you’re being treated now, and you don’t feel comfortable entering this marriage without having this all figured out DON’T DO IT! I PROMISE you that all of your loved ones would rather spend an Italian vacation without a wedding than go to a big, expensive, event that their sister/cousin/BFF feels trapped into. 

*hugs* I’m sorry youre dealing with this.

Post # 9
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I think fighting before the wedding is going to be just like fighting after the wedding (or when you were just dating). You’re right, things are just stressful. And every couple has fights. Ugh, myt Fiance and I have been fighting for two weeks on and off because we’ve had a TON of recent changes. We’re just on edge about everything. I would just talk to him and tell him how you feel when he blows up, and maybe if he could just calm to a little… or make the effort to calm down. It may not happen right away, because I don’t think things change over night. But over a few days hopefully his reactions will get better, even if he is still angry.

I also think it’s a good idea to take a day off from talking about wedding stuff. I know, I know… the wedding is exrtemely soon. So that is hard to do. But it might help your relationship in the long run to have a fun night without the stress of the near wedding. You can still plan things on your own, but don’t ask his opinion or talk about it with him unless it’s like WAY imporant. Last night I actually took my own advice and spent time with my Fiance without worrying about the wedding, and without other people around, so we could just remember how much we enjoy each other 🙂

Post # 10
35 posts

Please tell us you had a great party and all is well now !

Cheers !

Post # 11
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds to me like he’s spazzing about the wedding–not the marrying you part


Take it as a sign that he cares–most guys think their job begins and ends with showing up that day

Post # 12
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Stage fright is a nasty, nasty creature. Darling Husband and I both got it, despite the fact that it isn’t normal behavior for us. I have huge performance anxiety when it comes to being a hostess (Southern upbringing = ridiculously high expectations for hosting) and all these people were descending. on. me! He was freaking out over the accumulation of details, just so many things to keep in one’s head all at once. and he felt like they were all getting away from him and that he would disappoint me and embarrass himself in front of his friends and mine. We had a really hard week leading up to the wedding, and I had multiple meltdowns, just collapsing under the stress. (Understand though, that for me, a meltdown is anything that includes raising my voice – but it takes a hell of a lot for me to raise my voice, and I did it. A lot.)

All this to say – what you’re experiencing is normal. Try to comfort each other – tell him  the most helpful thing he can do right now is to hug you and tell you it will all  be okay, and then do the same for him. Remind each other each day that even if every single thing goes wrong, you’ll be married at the end of it and that’s what matters. 

ETA: Wow. That came out huge. Sorry to eat up the thread with a ginormous picture!

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