(Closed) Wedding in 2 days – future MIL driving a wedge between me and FI

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I being overly emotional and giving MIL too much power ??
    Yes, just relax, it's probably just because the wedding is in two days! : (8 votes)
    21 %
    No, she sounds creepy! : (17 votes)
    45 %
    Slightly overemotional, but you also needed to discuss this with FI : (13 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    593 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    All I can say is Yikes.. and I thought my Future Mother-In-Law was bad. I am sorry you are having to deal with this.. You have every right to be mad and it is HIS job to set boundaries with her.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @mrsjtobe2013:  That’s definately a no good situation. If your gut is saying this can’t work, then seriously listen to it. But if your fiance says he will handle things, and you guys aren’t actively trying to concieve, I would let this go until it becomes an issue. However, as an adult, if your Future Mother-In-Law gets drunk in front of her grandson and starts talking this crazy shit, there’s no rule that says you can’t say something to her face about it. Even if it’s “I think nephew loves both of his grandparents, and I don’t think it would be fair to put pressure on him to feel a certain way about any of them”

    Post # 5
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Wow… I agree with you that she probably will make him choose between you and her if you don’t let her have it her way. That’s a big problem because your Fiance seems kind of like a mama’s boy (no offense). I would be worried about that. Definitely make it clear to him and her that you don’t like the way she acts and she better not do that to your kids.

    I hope things work out and best of luck. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2748 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    ((Hugs)) This sucks, and I’m sorry that Future Mother-In-Law is such a controlling and manipulative nightmare. I’ve gone through it with ExMIL and know how stressful it can be. I say this with sympathy and to try to be as helpful as possible – when talking to your Fiance about it, I would try not to be so emotional about it. Your Fiance seems to be very much on your side, but he also doesn’t seem to respond as well to the emotional side. Just from what you’ve shared, not from pretending to know you or him, he may more fully understand how deep of a problem it is for you with calmer conversations. Plus it gives him the kind of attitude and talking points to bring to his mother on the topic. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    46606 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a piece of work, but reacting in such a strong fashion probably won’t help . The situation at dinner tonight wasn’t even about you. Why would it send you home bawling?

    Your FI’s marriage certainly had more problems than an ultimatum from his mom to choose between his wife and his Mom.

    I urge you to try to deal with this issue calmly and rationally or you are going to make the situation even worse for your Fiance. He is already dealing with one difficult woman.

    Let the discussion about his Mom rest for a while. When some time has passed, have a reasoned discussion about how the two of you can ensure a healthy relationship with his mother for your whole family including any future children.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2082 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Is she an alcoholic?i Most of the things she says sounds silly and makes her look sort of arrogant and stupid. Does she say things like this when she is not drinking? If she had a problem with alcohol and controlling her mouth, I would likely want to limit and supervise the amount of time my children had with her. I wouldn’t let her have anymore control over your emotions. You can choose not to go around her. It does concern me that your fiancée chose her over his ex-wife. He needs to learn how to properly assert himself with her. It sounds like she’s very insecure and needs to be the “favorite” grandmother/mom to make her feel significant. It’s great to be a good grandmother/mom. However, her approach and reasoning isn’t exactly genuine. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Take a breath.  Sit down.. fan yourself.  She’s got her favorite grandson already so you’re off the hook.

    relax you and Fiance know what the problem is …  you have discussed it .. and came up with a plan FOR YOUR KIDS… its’ not your responsibility for the othe kids, they have parents.

     

    HAVE A GREAT TIME

    Post # 10
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    You do not need to set appropriate boundaries with Mother-In-Law “when the time comes.” You need to set them NOW.

    1. Go to BabyCenter’s Dealing with the Inlaws and Family of Origin board – they deal with monster parents all the time and everyone has good advice.

    2. The MOMENT you come back from your honeymoon, find a counselor (especially one who specializes in the children of addicts or narcissists) and go to couples’ counseling to work this out. Otherwise all your dealings with your Mother-In-Law will be miserable if your fiance can’t learn to recognize her behavior and stand up to it.

    Post # 11
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    First off, yes your emotions are in high gear because the wedding is so close. But take a deep breath and recognize that over-emotional or not, you are not being crazy in your concerns. You just aren’t managing those concerns well.

    Here is the bottom line: If you have kids, YOU are their mother. So stop looking at this as though you will magically become powerless. What you say goes. Period. You define the rules. You set the boundaries. You are the gate keeper. Right now Mother-In-Law gets away with all of this because everyone lets her. Once she comes to realize her usual tactics wont work with you she will stop trying to use them. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1304 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Any kid of even marginal intelligence will quickly figure out that his grandma is a nutjob if she behaves that way.  The path to being the favorite is definitely not insisting on it.  If she wants to be the favorite grandma, then she needs to earn it by being awesome.  Otherwise she will flame out.

    So, I wouldn’t worry about her in terms of this.  But you need your husband to be on your side so that appropriate boundaries are established when the time comes.  My husband and I have a phrase: “One voice.”.  I.e., we present ourselves with one voice to the outside world including our parents.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2082 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @mrsjtobe2013:  I like to please people, as well, but I won’t do it at someone else’s expense. She sounds manipulative and she likes to make the other grandparents feel bad because she has her “favorite”. Thus, assuming it makes her the “favorite” grandmother by the children/grandchildren. Spoiling them doesn’t guarantee that they’ll treat her the same way, especially, when she starts asking them to choose her over thier spouse.

    Post # 15
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @mrsjtobe2013:  PLEASE tell me you’re not going to cancel your wedding because of this b*tch!! Don’t give her that much power. Swallow everything now, and when you have kids, you can spit it all in her face. Just relax and enjoy a special day with your fiance. Focus on him and your love for each other. Don’t make this day (or your marriage) about her!

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