(Closed) Wedding Invitations

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am not 100% sure what the proper etiquette is – but I think it is whoever is paying for the majority of it is listed first.  For my wedding his parents kicked in some money, as did my father, but my and fiance are paying for the majority of it.

Our invitations read:

With the love and support of their parents

 

________

&

_________

 

Request the pleasure of your company

on their wedding day

 

 

Post # 4
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

As far as etiquette goes… I think whomever is paying the largest part of the wedding is listed first.

Is the couple (or groom’s parents) willing to compromise?  Perhaps if the groom’s parents are listed first on the invitation, You could be listed first in the wedding program (or other way around)

I have seen many invitations, but most recently they seem to all start with “Together with their families”.  Is this an option? Most importantly…..what do the bride and groom want?

Post # 5
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@joyceb27: May I ask why this distresses you?

Post # 7
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@joyceb27:

Gotcha. I totally understand that. And I can see why the invitation wording might be a sore spot. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and the invite wording doesn’t indicate anything about the depth of your love or theirs for you. I would let it go, and support their wedding in ways more important than money: with your love, encouragement, and acceptance of their choices.

Post # 8
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@joyceb27: Dear lady! I feel for you immensely! How far advanced are the plans for this wedding, and how much does your daughter care about having a fancy “do”, and how much are the groom’s parents willing to compromise?

 =================

Here is what formal traditional etiquette actually says (it isn’t, by the way, what popular wedding magazines and modern trendy custom says, so expect it to be different from what most brides are doing!)

1) The bride’s mother has the first right to offer to host a reception in honour of her daughters wedding. No-one else should offer until the bride’s mother has clearly declined the honour.

2) The reception should always be hosted by the bride’s family, or family friends, or by the bride herself. This is the last thing that the bride’s family can do for her as a member of their family, and she should honour that. After the wedding, she will officially be a member of the groom’s family.

3) The bride’s family hosts an affair in the style appropriate to their income and circumstances, regardless of the circumstances of the groom’s family. The groom’s family is required to accept this honour graciously and without disdain for the bride’s family’s style, even if they themselves are capable of something fancier and more expensive.

4) A formal private social engagement can be hosted by only one lady, whose husband if there is one may co-host with her. Committees of co-hosts are correct only for club events, and even then the highest protocol is to name the club president alone as the formal hostess.

 =================

Here is what I would do, if I were in your circumstances (which, being a spinster and daughterless, I am not) and assuming my daughter were sufficiently cowed by my crustiness to go along with my plan:

Let the wedding itself be held in the early afternoon, at your own church or club where you can have the “venue” for a nominal fee; or in your own home or garden if it is large enough.

After the wedding, in the church hall or churchyard, or in the club reception room or in your own diningroom or garden, have a tea reception serving tea, coffee, lemonade, and cake. That isn’t too expensive, and if necessary you can make the cake yourself and cut down costs even further.

Issue traditional invitations in your own name, to the wedding only. Since the reception is in the same venue, you don’t even need to mention it. Remember that the most formally correct invitations are hand-written in black ink on white paper, which is far less expensive than the less-proper fancy printed invitations the groom’s parents might be sending. The traditional invitation would read:

Mrs Husband Betwentyseven (<– as a widow, you still are entitled to your husband’s name, and this is a way of recognizing him)

requests the honour of the company of

(leave a blank line to hand-write in the guests’ names)

at the wedding of her daughter

Firstname Middlename

to

Mr Groomfirst Groomlast

on Saturday the somety-somethingth of month

at Saint Somebody Church

one hundred twenty-three Main Street

at two o’clock

The groom’s parents, then, could invite all their special friends to a dinner later that night, in honour of the new couple. Their invitation would read

Mr and Mrs Grooms Parents

request the pleasure of the company of

(leave a blank line to hand-write in the guests’ names)

to dinner

in honour of Mr and Mrs Groom Lastname

on the occasion of their wedding

on Saturday the somety-somethingth of month

at Fancy Hotel

at seven o’clock

Post # 9
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you need to separate the issues of not being able to contribute as much as you’d like, and not being listed first.

It’s totally understandable to be “distraught” about the first thing, but there’s not a lot you can do about it.

The second thing sounds pretty traditional from what I understand, and I suspect you’re only upset about it because it’s tied to the first.

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