Post # 1
My daughter is engaged and is to be married in April. Her dad and I have been seperated 5 years divorced for 3. We each have significant others. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years and he and his girlfriend 2 years. My daughter does not like her dads girlfriend and tell us both that we can’t bring our signifcant others to the wedding. Both of us have no problem with each other or our significant others. My boyfriend lost a son last March at the age of 24 and this has been an awful year for us. I can’t imagine that we aren’t allowed to feel comfortable and have our loved ones with us on this day. I have decided that if she goes through with this, that I won’t be attending and neither will any of my family as they were really angry over how my kids treated us during the last few years. My ex is footing the bill for about 40,000.00 and he tells me he isn’t excited about it or even looking forward to it. I told him to leave his checkbook at home. He knows that if he goes everyone will wonder where his girlfriend is and he will have to tell them that his daughter wouldn’t allow her to come. Nothing like making your dad feel like crap at his daughters weddding. There are no problems but she is a making them and I don’t think he should reward her selfish behavior, she keeps saying this day is all about her. Really I thought weddings were celebrations starting with you family and then friends. She chooses the venue the dress everything, why tell us who we can bring. I hope she doesn’t think she can tell her friends who there guest can be.
Post # 3
I think this is a sad situation. Have you talked to your daughter about why she does not like your significant others? I feel like both sides here need to communicate. I would hate to think a mother would boycott her own daughter’s wedding for not bringing a boyfriend. I do agree that this is your daughter’s day but I would press for more information about why your significant others are not included. I agree that a wedding is about family and friends but maybe she does not see your SOs as family/friends and I think you should respect that. I would advise you to not convince your family to boycott as well.
I hope this all works out for you and your family.
Post # 4
It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than simply not allowing a SO to attend with each of you. Sometimes not inviting people has to do with cost or size of venue, but for you to say you’ll withdraw yourself AND your entire side of the family tells me this is a much deeper issue, plus you said you haven’t appreciated how she’s treated you recently. I think the above poster is right, communicate, communicate… and make sure it’s an issue worth boycotting the wedding over, and that you won’t feel regrets later (the same goes for her, btw).
Post # 5
Her dad is the one paying, he gets to call the shots. He can tell her that if she’s not willing to abide by the rules of etiquette and invite the long term significant others of her guests then she can pay for her own wedding and invite whoever she wants. But if he’s not willing to make his darling princess unhappy by having his girlfriend of 2 years in attendance, then that is his business. I think that your refusal to attend if you cannot bring your SO of 4 years is valid. If my partner of 2 years was not invited to someone’s wedding, there is no way that I would attend. If you stick to it, she may cave and allow you both to bring your partners.
Try and be understanding of her too–you guys separated only 5 years ago–that’s not a lot of time, especially for an adult child, to deal with this. You guys were together for most or all of her childhood and now there are boyfriends and girlfriends all up in her life. By accepting your SOs, she is basically acknowledging that you and her father’s marriage is over and that you guys aren’t getting back together. That’s a hard thing for some people. It may not be how she is feeling–she genuinely may not like the woman–but it’s a possibility that she has not quite come to terms with her parents’ divorce and new partners.
Post # 6
She doesn’t have a problem with my boyfriend, but she hates her dad’s girlfriend. We both probably will marry the people we are with now. I did say to my ex if you let her control this what next? Is your girlfriend going to be allowed at Christmas at birthday parties, at her home? His girlfriend said this is like a knife to her heart and she probably won’t go now if invited. This just makes the whole wedding day a bust for her dad and I are hearts just aren’t in it nor are we looking forward to it. The problem is the hurt she is causing both of us isn’t going to go away after the big day, this is something we won’t forget.
My brother adopted his wife’s 8 year old daughter and raised her as his own, He even gave her a few thousand more toward the wedding then his wife knew about because he wanted her to have some things she couldn’t afford. The night before the wedding at the rehearsal, she told him she wanted to walk herself down the isle. She thought he was too big to walk with her and her dress wouldn’t show like it should. It crushed my brother. I have never forgotten how she made him feel and to this day I see her and think what a spoilt little brat.
I have talked to a counselor in the past and I am an enabler and give in all the time, that is why I won’t this time. I won’t go and be miserable so that my daughter can control us. There is no reason for it. Most kids would be thrilled that both parents and their significant others get along. She thinks this should be a perfect day, and weddings never are, neither is life. She is young and I hope she doesn’t regret how she has made her dad and I feel. Life is too short to be so stubborn about a day that should be for family, and not just about the bride. She should also respect us as her parents and should want us to be happy too.
Post # 7
If her dad is willing to spend $40K on your daughter’s wedding, maybe the best thing is to suggest that he — or both of you together — invest a few hundred more so that all three of you can go to a family counselor to address this issue before it creates a great deal of grief for a whole lot of people.
So many of us on these boards have been able to identify something that has caused us disappointment and sorrow regarding our weddings — things we wish we had done, not done, or done differently. And we struggle with regret. I honestly cannot imagine the deep sorrow that each of you is going to feel if some, or all, of you dig in your heels and refuse to consider each other’s feelings. As prior posters have said, there obviously is a WHOLE lot more to these dynamics than just who is permitted to bring whom to the wedding.
It sounds as if there are very deep wounds for each of you as a result of what you’ve all been through these past handful of years. It’s time to do whatever it takes to encourage the healing to begin, and quickly, before a young woman’s selfishness drives her mother to make a decison she’s likely to regret, a father allows his daughter to hold his life and, possibly, future, hostage to her own controlling whims, and her mother is willing to take a spiteful stand that would keep not only herself but her entire side of the family from sharing the most important day in her daughter’s life. I don’t mean to be harsh — I’m just trying to jolt you to see that something needs to be done to address this before it’s too late.
You need a professional to help referee this situation so that each of you feels as if you are being heard and your feelings are being validated. That person will be able to help untangle this mess before it all goes too far and there’s no way to go back and change the most important day of your daughter’s life.
Please think about it.
Post # 8
Well I think you should both talk to her and your ex shouldn’t give her money if she’s acting like that. If she’s old enough to get married then she should act like an adult and this is just a child’s I-don’t-like-daddys-GF tantrum.
If you let her get away with this it will always be this way, like you said she won’t allow your SOs to her home. She’s a grown up and she should start acting like such. And even if you don’t attend the wedding you should talk to her either way, she must know she’s acting childish and this behaviour’s unnapropiate.
Post # 9
You need to talk this out with your daughter, and perhaps talk to her together with your ex. If you end up choosing not to go to the wedding though, be aware that it is very likely the last time you will see your daughter and that you may never meet any future grandchildren from her. I don’t say that to be harsh, but while her decision is selfish, your choice of how to respond affects not only her but you–make sure you’re comfortable with this (very) possible outcome before you make your choice.
Post # 10
@bearlove: What my daughter doesn’t understand is if we marry these, and probably will s.o. By leaving them out of her wedding is going to pose problems in our next marriages. Really do you think my ex’s new wife will put plans on hold to babysit or do anything special for a gal who wouldn’t let her come to her wedding?
As parents I don’t think we are being selfish, paying for a wedding and a honeymoon and a downpayment on a house and college. All we want is to feel comfortable with our S.O. who we both get along with and our family’s and friends do too.
A counselor told me that being the youngest during our divorce and living at home with her dad she felt out of control. Now she holds the reigns and wants to put us in our place. Problem being is that she will hurt herself in the end. She see’s this day as being only about her, well if that is true elope.
It hurts but I don’t want to be treated like this. Having our S.O. there we will enjoy the day having to be there by ourselves and not being a couple anymore will be awkward and sad. I know for one I would be miserable and not happy being alone.