(Closed) wedding invite dilema

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think this is a sad situation. Have you talked to your daughter about why she does not like your significant others? I feel like both sides here need to communicate. I would hate to think a mother would boycott her own daughter’s wedding for not bringing a boyfriend. I do agree that this is your daughter’s day but I would press for more information about why your significant others are not included. I agree that a wedding is about family and friends but maybe she does not see your SOs as family/friends and I think you should respect that. I would advise you to not convince your family to boycott as well. 

I hope this all works out for you and your family. 

Post # 4
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than simply not allowing a SO to attend with each of you.  Sometimes not inviting people has to do with cost or size of venue, but for you to say you’ll withdraw yourself AND your entire side of the family tells me this is a much deeper issue, plus you said you haven’t appreciated how she’s treated you recently.  I think the above poster is right, communicate, communicate… and make sure it’s an issue worth boycotting the wedding over, and that you won’t feel regrets later (the same goes for her, btw).

Post # 5
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Her dad is the one paying, he gets to call the shots.  He can tell her that if she’s not willing to abide by the rules of etiquette and invite the long term significant others of her guests then she can pay for her own wedding and invite whoever she wants.  But if he’s not willing to make his darling princess unhappy by having his girlfriend of 2 years in attendance, then that is his business.  I think that your refusal to attend if you cannot bring your SO of 4 years is valid.  If my partner of 2 years was not invited to someone’s wedding, there is no way that I would attend.  If you stick to it, she may cave and allow you both to bring your partners.

Try and be understanding of her too–you guys separated only 5 years ago–that’s not a lot of time, especially for an adult child, to deal with this.  You guys were together for most or all of her childhood and now there are boyfriends and girlfriends all up in her life.  By accepting your SOs, she is basically acknowledging that you and her father’s marriage is over and that you guys aren’t getting back together.  That’s a hard thing for some people.  It may not be how she is feeling–she genuinely may not like the woman–but it’s a possibility that she has not quite come to terms with her parents’ divorce and new partners.

Post # 7
11355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

If her dad is willing to spend $40K on your daughter’s wedding, maybe the best thing is to suggest that he — or both of you together — invest a few hundred more so that all three of you can go to a family counselor to address this issue before it creates a great deal of grief for a whole lot of people.

So many of us on these boards have been able to identify something that has caused us disappointment and sorrow regarding our weddings — things we wish we had done, not done, or done differently. And we struggle with regret. I honestly cannot imagine the deep sorrow that each of you is going to feel if some, or all, of you dig in your heels and refuse to consider each other’s feelings. As prior posters have said, there obviously is a WHOLE lot more to these dynamics than just who is permitted to bring whom to the wedding. 

It sounds as if there are very deep wounds for each of you as a result of what you’ve all been through these past handful of years.  It’s time to do whatever it takes to encourage the healing to begin, and quickly, before a young woman’s selfishness drives her mother to make a decison she’s likely to regret, a father allows his daughter to hold his life and, possibly, future, hostage to her own controlling whims, and her mother is willing to take a spiteful stand that would keep not only herself but her entire side of the family from sharing the most important day in her daughter’s life. I don’t mean to be harsh — I’m just trying to jolt you to see that something needs to be done to address this before it’s too late.

You need a professional to help referee this situation so that each of you feels as if you are being heard and your feelings are being validated.  That person will be able to help untangle this mess before it all goes too far and there’s no way to go back and change the most important day of your daughter’s life.

Please think about it.

Post # 8
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Well I think you should both talk to her and your ex shouldn’t give her money if she’s acting like that. If she’s old enough to get married then she should act like an adult and this is just a child’s I-don’t-like-daddys-GF tantrum.

If you let her get away with this it will always be this way, like you said she won’t allow your SOs to her home. She’s a grown up and she should start acting like such. And even if you don’t attend the wedding you should talk to her either way, she must know she’s acting childish and this behaviour’s unnapropiate.

Post # 9
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You need to talk this out with your daughter, and perhaps talk to her together with your ex. If you end up choosing not to go to the wedding though, be aware that it is very likely the last time you will see your daughter and that you may never meet any future grandchildren from her. I don’t say that to be harsh, but while her decision is selfish, your choice of how to respond affects not only her but you–make sure you’re comfortable with this (very) possible outcome before you make your choice.

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