(Closed) Wedding invite

posted 10 years ago in Paper
Post # 3
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The proper way to handle it is to say nothing about it. If you want very much to be a part of their wedding, you could always send a gift or a card with your best wishes. There are a million reasons why you may not have received a save-the date; it is not certain you won’t receive an invitation but it is definately not proper to ask. It’s possible the couple simply can’t afford to invite everyone they wanted to. You wouldn’t want the new couple to overextend themselves financially if that’s the case.

Post # 4
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would first assume that maybe yours is lost in the mail, or something like that.  Unless you have somehow done something to horribly offend your uncle or your cousin, it makes no sense that your brothers get invites and you don’t.  Maybe you could have someone (mothers love to do this kind of thing) call to ask about suggested accomodations, or where they are going to register, or whatever, and just let them know that your STD didn’t show up…  If you have read any posts about guest lists on this board you know that they aren’t an exact science – maybe they did just forget you.  I also had one of my Save-The-Date Cards (to a cousin) come back in the mail TWICE for the wrong city name (but correct zip code, go figure) in the address.  I’m sure if he was comparing notes (he also has two brothers) that he was wondering what the heck was up.

Post # 5
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

the usps messed with my Save-The-Date Cards too, so it is very possible that yours did get lost. i think suzanno’s approach is a good one. if i thought that my cousin (i think i’m doing the family tree right) didn’t invite me to her/his wedding, my mom would be on the phone immediately doing just what suzanno said. she’s right, it’s a mom thing. and a grandma thing.

Post # 6
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

And while if this was just a friend I would agree with snmcdowell that maybe its better not to ask, its not just a friend.  We agonized over space and budget constraints, and how much extended family to invite.  I have some cousins that we never saw much growing up, and we decided not to invite them.  But our "cousin invitations" definately went by family – in no case did we invite a cousin and not his or her brothers and sisters.  It just would not have seemed right.  Whereas I am not inviting any of my friends’ brothers or sisters.  You’re not necessarily friends with your friends’ siblings, but your cousins’ siblings are definatley still your cousins!

Post # 7
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

hmm. . don’t know your situation intimately- do you know the bride well?? does your godfather have any pull at the wedding? Did the bride forget (is that a possibility at all)?

If I were close to my godfather I would say "hey heard "Suzie" sent out wedding invites, do you think I was supposed to get one?" or something like that- but again, only if I were close to my uncle/godfather.  

I would not say anything to the bride- I feel for you though- that must feel so horrible and unfortunately there is no good way to bring it up. . .  

Post # 8
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

When I graduated from high school a million years ago (okay, it wasn’t that long, but it feels like forever), my parents threw me a graduation party. I invited all of my friends, etc. However, I totally forgot one of my best girl friends at the time. I kept wondering why she hadn’t come; but she hadn’t said anything and had even given me a present earlier that week. Turns out she never got an invite. I looked at my list and she was never on there. I of course fibbed and said it must have gotten lost in the mail. It is so easy to forget someone when you have to make a list of ALL of your friends and family.

I also had this happen to me. Some friends from high school got married while we were in college. I had been close friends with the groom; and the bride was a former dance teammate and classmate. My mom had worked with the groom’s dad and was invited along with my step-dad to the wedding. They didn’t send me an invite and/or put "and family" or my name on the inner envelope so I assumed I wasn’t invited. Turns out, I was and they were upset I hadn’t come! Yet another example of them not making that message clear.

Moral of the story: I would find a way for your mom or brothers to find out about the matter for you. Maybe they didn’t invite you because you are an outoftowner. Maybe they had an old address and the save-the-date is working its way back to them right now.

Good luck! 

Post # 10
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

hmmmm….definitely having your brother mention it is a good thing. i wouldn’t make any more assumptions until then.

i hope you get clarity soon. so sorry about this.

Post # 11
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

are your brothers out of town and do you live in town?  is it a possibility that to save money, they only sent STD’s to out-of town guests?

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee

One other point to clarify here is that if your STD wasn’t lost in the mail, or your name was not accidentally overlooked, then you are not invited. Unless you have an extremely close relationship with the bride or groom, it is always a possibility that you were not invited, as much as you may think you deserve to be invited.

As a previous poster mentioned, if you aren’t invited, then, well, you are not invited. It is in poor taste to pressure the bride, groom, or others about why you "should" have been invited. It is not a negotiation. Your job is to be polite about it, and show respect that it is their party and guest list, regardless of what sort of relationship your father and godfather may have had.

Post # 15
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Its entirely possible, since you live out of state, that they were trying to be polite – maybe if they knew you were coming to the family reunion they assumed you wouldn’t want to travel for both events.  And is sounds like they are just far enough apart in time that it would definately be two trips.  We actually invited everyone whom we wanted to be there, whether we thought there was any chance of them coming or not.  But I know that Fiance and his mom both thought we shouldn’t "waste" invitations on people we thought would not come – as we argued about that.  My thoughts are that everyone you would like to attend deserves an invitation – they can then decline if they like.  But Fiance and his mom somehow thought that people who were unlikely to travel would be made to feel bad by being invited and having to turn us down. 

Since sending the STD, we have had phone calls from people that we never in the world thought would come, saying that they will definately be there!  So I’m extra glad we didn’t try to second-guess that situation by just not including them.

If you really want to go to the wedding, I would still enquire.  You don’t have to come right out and say "Where’s my STD!"  But you could reasonably drop your godfather a note to congratulate him on the upcoming marriage of his daughter.  Maybe showing that level of interest would actually change their minds, if they just decided not to invite you because you don’t live in the area.

If you don’t end up invited, and you get asked at the family reunion, I would just say that you weren’t there because you didn’t receive an invitation, and then maybe say that you assume the bride and groom thought that perhaps the travel would be too much for you.  I wouldn’t ask as if you’re all put out about it.  But pretending that you were invited and decided not to attend is problematic – as presumably some people at the reunion will actually know you weren’t invited.  Being politely honest is the best policy, IMO.

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