(Closed) Wedding is Friday but found out I might be gay

posted 2 months ago in LGBTQ
Post # 106
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

Following along and hoping you made the incredibly difficult decision to stop the wedding before it happened. For both of your sakes! 

Post # 107
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee

@luckystars20, I hope you were able to have an honest/open conversation with him, and that he was willing to listen.  

Please know that several of us here are thinking of you and wishing the best for you. I hope you will return and let us know how you are doing, but I also understand that you might not feel safe or comfortable doing so, given some of the suggestions and “advice” on this thread.  

I would also strongly encourage you to seek support from more LGBTQ focused spaces; I think it would be beneficial to you.  

Post # 108
Member
959 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
MissMarple :  Part of what I’m trying to say, is that there’s more to sex than the physical aspect, and that a passion-filled relationship isn’t exclusive to sex alone. In my experience, sex is the expression of passion, rather than passion being the product of sex…so I don’t agree that OP would necessarily be subscribing to a passionless marriage.
I hadn’t read past a couple pages, but OP has stated that her Fiance satisfies her in all other fields of their relationship…which I take to mean she does indeed love him, and is attracted to him at least emotionally. She also stated she can be/has been physically attracted to men, and I presume has enjoyed sex with them until the point when it “grows old”, so to speak…which leads me to think much of her sexual gratification is emotionally/mentally driven. She also stated heterosexual sex didn’t bother her until she started seriously considering other options. All this is to say, I think she could likely come to enjoy fulfilling sex with her Fiance if she manages her mindframe…I know many people won’t agree with that, and it may not be applicable to her either, but it’s been a reality for me which is why I shared it as a potential option for her. I’m not suggesting she should simply get used to “shitty sex”, I’m suggesting that she might be able to learn to enjoy it. That’s not something I would recommend someone to bet on if sex is super important to them, though…so ultimately it’s up to her to search herself and ask what’s most important to her. 

That being said, as I’m writing this, I’m realizing the biggest difference between her experience and mine, is that in my scenario, sex with *anyone* feels icky, so finding enjoyment in sex is dependant on me alone. Meanwhile OP has the potential to find someone who can fulfill all her relationship fields without having to adapt herself. Personally, I still believe personal adatpion is an option in her case, but again, that’s up to her to decide if it’s worth it (or even possible). I don’t think anyone can really make this decision for her one way or another. I just don’t think it’s helpful to say indefinitely that she’s 100% gay and can never enjoy her Fiance, especially when she hasn’t even experienced gay sex. If she were to say “I can’t stop thinking about that time I experimented in college and I realize that’s the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had”, it’d be a different story. 

Post # 109
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

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MissMarple :  thanks for sharing. You genuinely concerned and want to help OP live out her best life. But you misunderstood me, I did not try to force her to go through with the wedding. She should obviously talk to her finance and make the best decision for them as a couple or individuals. I’m only saying that I understand it if either of them want to go through with this and sharing my experience of growing up in a homophobic environment and how difficult it would be for me to personally come out. 

A wedding is not a marriage, and people feel differently about weddings. The “obvious” thing is that people will be hurt regardless of what she chooses to do, canceling the wedding in the most dramatic way is her and her finances decision to make. the question is not whether they want to stay married, I’m not telling her to fake it for the rest of her life, I’m just saying, it’s up to them whether it’s better to have the wedding or not. 

 

Im happy for you that you left that relationship! I have had the same experiences, dating someone who I didn’t really feel attracted to when I was very young for three years, with no reference point, I had no idea how it could be better. If I was gay, I would absolutely leave as well before the damages continue to pile up. But you can see how going through the wedding could be a sign of compassion at this point right? It’s not the best choice like PP said, but it’s A choice, it’s a choice I personally like and one OP does not need to make. I’m just saying, I understand it.

I can personally feel compassionate for the OP who is seeking out some help on support on this day. I believe that it takes time for people to figure out it her sexuality, and I think you’re also trying to offer her your genuine support not just moral superiority, your post seems very warm to me, so I appreciate that as I appreciate any signs of kindness in the world.

 

Post # 110
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

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unicornwolf :  exactly. She was clearly very distraught and wants to make the best decision. Why judge someone’s character if it doesn’t bring about any positive change? I’d hate to have someone  harm themselves or have a melt down on their wedding date due to online judgements. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

Post # 111
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

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misslucy :  thanks for this. I think the OP got enough advice and this is turning into a lot of discussion.

OP, I really hope you are doing well and please, please, please do not do something you’ll regret after seeing some of the judgements of your character. Do not feel the need to update us, and just take care of yourself. I care for you and know you want to do the right thing. You are not defined by your mistakes as long as you try to fix them. My heart goes out to you, you are loved and I will be thinking and praying for you today.

Post # 112
Hostess
2399 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Okay I think that’s quite enough for this thread.

OP if you feel the need to seek more advice or support feel free to make another post.

The topic ‘Wedding is Friday but found out I might be gay’ is closed to new replies.

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