(Closed) Wedding is in 4 weeks and grandma just put into hospice :(

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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sassybeee :  Oh Bee, I’m so sorry to hear this. What a heartbreaking situation to be in. I haven’t had a loved one die close to my wedding (which is in September, so fingers crossed it won’t happen) but I have had my grandfather pass after a month in hospice. We were very close, he was like a second dad to me. 

We lived in the same city, so I was visiting him every day until he died. It’s a very hard and stressful situation to deal with, especially since it was my first grandparent to pass. All I can say is it does get better with time, it just took a few months for me to feel at peace. 

I know you said you lived across the country from her. Is there any way that you can skype in on your wedding day for just a few minutes? I’m sure she would love to see you all dressed up! Depending on her condition, she may not be able to talk much or she may not be completely coherant, but I’m sure she would appreciate it still πŸ™‚

Post # 3
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m so very sorry, Bee. It’s going to be rough, and I definitely can understand what you’re going through. My grandmother, the last of my 4 grandparents, fell a few months before my wedding, and never quite recovered properly. She moved in with my parents and she was really only there about a week or two before they had to take her to the hospital again. There was talk of hospice, but literally that same day she passed. It was devestating, as it was two months before the wedding and I had never ever thought she wouldn’t be there. She was always “all there” in the head, and never showed any sign of otherwise until that last month. (It ended up being a bleed in her brain that they couldn’t stop from the fall.) The day of the wedding I had a sign for those who had passed, as well as a picture of her in a locket on my bouquet. (As well as a charm from my other grandmother.)

I’m not going to say it was easy, because it wasn’t. BUT. You are strong enough to get through it, and will have the rest of your family there for support.

ETA: I had shown her a picture of me in my dress, which made her happy, so that might be something you could do to share the day with her even if she can’t be there. That made me feel good at the time, knowing she at least saw that.

Post # 4
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

My cousin had his grandmother die about 5 days before his wedding day. She was my Aunt, and at the funeral, everyone said, see you at the wedding. 

She was old, sick for a long time, and the death was awkward that it was right before the wedding. Everyone decided to be as upbeat as possible at the wedding, and collapse into depression afterward, if at all. Nothing was ideal but it couldn’t be helped. 

Post # 5
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

So sorry bee, that’s the worst news ever. At least she’s with her husband and knows she has lots of love and support from family. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Post # 7
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

My grandfather died 2 weeks before my wedding. We all knew it was coming and my grandmother was insistent that we carry on as normal. They hadn’t planned to come to the wedding as they were too unwell to travel.

It was sad but we concentrated on all the good things on the day. I phoned my grandma whilst getting ready and after the ceremony. I had a picture of my grandad in a locker on my bouquet but we didn’t mention it otherwise.

I’m really sorry about your grandma. Perhaps you could send her advance pics in your dress?

Post # 9
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

Im so sorry that you are going through this! It wasn’t my wedding, but my older sister died suddenly 4 days before my little sisters wedding. We were all three so close, so it was very very hard. She debated calling the wedding off for a while, but ultimately our sister would have wanted her to go through with it. It’s really hard grieving at a time when something should be so wonderful. My advice to you is: if you think that this is something that will ruin your wedding or always remind you of a sorrow filled time you may want to consider pushing it back if possible. If this is something that you think you will be able to handle even though it is hard, then I would continue to go through with it. I can look back on her pictures and even though she was grieving, she was beaming with happiness. The wedding was actually a good distraction for all of us. Again, I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this, and I am sending so much positivity your way! 

Post # 10
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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sassybeee :  im not in the exact same position as you. I lost someone a few months before my wedding and then lost someone a few months after the wedding. At my wedding we actually thought her cancer had gone and then it came back and really suddenly she passed. Both people also shared the same birthday, which just happens to be four days before my wedding/anniversary.

So with the person who passed a few months before it was sad her not being there. It was hard to know that she should have been there. We had a small moment in the ceremony where we had a moment of silence for those who couldn’t be there. Our vicar worded it in a way that covered those that are still with us but couldn’t travel and those who had passed away. So maybe your officiant could include that? That way you’re including your grandfather too? Our wedding served as a distraction and a happy thing in a sea of not-so-happy.

When my aunt passed a little while after the wedding, the wedding was the last opportunity to see her. So the wedding became tinged with these sad memories that I didn’t spend enough time her or her enough photos of her. I still loved our day but it’s just not as pure and innocent as it was before she passed.

As we approached our first anniversary, it was really hard. I had both of their birthdays on the same day and I was sad and missed them. Even though I’d had one birthday since the first relative had passed, this was the first without the second and I think the combination of them both on the same day too. However, it was four days before our anniversary and I was excited about that. It was hard to keep track of my emotions that week. Anytime I’d think back to our wedding it was tinged with the loss of one or both of them. 

When your grandma passes, you’ll probably have moments when you’re sad and also happy. You’ll have moments when you should be happy (maybe the wedding, anniversary, honeymoon) and you feel sad but you’ll also have moments when you’re supposed to be sad when you’re happy. It’s ok to feel both. You don’t need to lock in one emotion. Both will hit you with their full force so just be kind to yourself, there is no right or wrong or what you should be doing. Whatever you feel, is right.

Share some stuff with your grandma. Show her your dress, show her the bridesmaid dresses and what your partner is wearing. If she doesn’t pass until after the wedding, send her photos when you can. It only needs to be guest photos, she won’t care the professional ones, she’ll just want to see some photos. If you can get your photographer to release one really good professional one the day after the wedding, send her that. You could also arrange a florist near here to arrange a bouquet that will math yours and have that sent to her? We had flowers that my husband’s grandmother had in her bouquet when she got married, she couldn’t travel to the wedding so I sent a bouquet similar to mine (so with her wedding flowers in) back to her and it made her day. 

Post # 11
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

My grandmother passed away a few weeks before my cousins wedding. Since she knew my grandma wouldn’t be able to come, she wore her wedding dress to the hospital to show my grandmother. She was ecstatic and it was just about the sweetest thing. 

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother, stay strong and be brave through this tough time. Sending your positive vibes. 

Post # 13
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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sassybeee :  I’m sorry this is happening. I was in a very similar situation with my grandad who I was very close to. He was one of my absolute favourite people and I was devastated that he was so unwell and wouldn’t be able to come. My husband and I skyped him from the reception which was nice – maybe you could look into doing this if she is well enough on the day?

He passed away 2 weeks after the wedding.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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sassybeee :  oh no I just read your update. Thinking of you and your nan <3 

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