Post # 1
So my wedding is off, and to my suprise i am not sad at all. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT OUR SITUATION.
My ex fiance is here on a temporary visa and hes been renewing it ever since. Well after the wedding the plan was to apply for his permanent residency (I offered to pay for the procedure as he was going to pay for my graduate degree), however the only conidtion was that he had to transfer his educational credentials from Mexico to the US which is easy to do, it wouldnt take more than 3 months to do. He didnt.
I also asked that he do this becuase what i thought was our plan was that he was going to go and work in Alaska in the oil fields (they pay extremly extemly WELL).
Short story: He didnt want to transfer his education credentials to the US, he didnt want to try and get a good paying job (which he is capable of having), he didnt want to try period. The mask finally came off and I started seeing a comformist.
I do love him but Im in school, i have aspirations and goasl which I wish my husband could help me accomplish.
I dont want a husband that I have to push through life, I want a husband not an inferior or superiro. I want my equal.
The down side is that I am so in love with him and aside of this he is still the one (so i think). He has been there for me and my children which he has raised. He helps me and supports me (emotionally).
We are still together but the wedding is off. I have tried talking to him but I get no where. Things are now rocky.
WHAT DO I DO????
Post # 3
I’m sorry about this but I think you might need to break up with him. If he doesnt have the same dreams and goals as you I dont see a successful future. It may be that if you do break up with him he will wise up, but this should not be your reason for doing so. You need to look after you and your children and find someone who will have the same vision as you. Sorry.
Post # 4
@talljabride: +1. If he doesnt have the same ambition in life that you do: 1. Hes not a good role model for children because they need to see ambition & drive in their adult figures (in my opinion) and 2. youre eventually going to resent him because youre working hard to make a good life for yourself & your kids – he isnt helping you achieve success.
Post # 5
Sometimes people in a relationship have different ideas about what it means to be a succesful person. It’s hard for such a relationship to be mutually satisfying. I know all about it.
I dated a guy who told me that my job wasn’t good enough, and that I needed to go back to school and get a decent job, so that I could hold up “my end of the bargain”. If that had been what I wanted anyway, it might have worked out. But because I wasn’t totally sure at the time that I even wanted a “professional” career, it felt like too much pressure. Bottom line: he wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
The next person I dated was SO, who has always made me feel that no matter what choices about a career I make, he accepts me and thinks I am 100% perfect and awesome. :}
Yes, you love him – because you have built that love through intimacy, mutual attention, and shared experiences. But you could also love someone else, someone with more similar goals to yours.
And if you have a lot of goals that will require moving around, going to school, doing job training, etc… it might be better to try and wait for a serious relationship. Who knows where you’ll be in 5 years or what sort of person you will have become! :}
Post # 6
You situation is very similar to my ex-h. We got married (in my opinion) too young becuase I didn’t take the things you are questioning into consideration. After we got marrried my career took off like crazy- fast forward a few years he was still doing the same thing and he was never really ambitious. It was one of the reasons I filed for a divorce. Our goals were not in line with eachother and I resented him.
I would talk to him and let him know your concerns. If he wants to make it work that should give him a kick in the ass to make things happen. If he doesn’t do anything then you have your answer. I’m sure he’s a great guy just maybe not for you.
Post # 7
Does he say WHY he doesn’t want to try to accomplish the things you’ve listed? Does he have some kind of alternative plan to get a job? I really don’t understand why he wouldn’t transfer his credits at the very least. I can understand why he might not want to work in the Alaskan oil fields, good pay notwithstanding, but if he doesn’t have some clear idea of what he wants to do with his life, maybe it’s better that you know that now rather than later.
Post # 8
I have tried talking to him and all he says is “OK”, or hell stay quiet. Ive tried.
Post # 9
He says that he is afraid of failing since English is second language. However he speaks it perfectly and hardly has a an accent, and that not everyone is as smart as me. Honestly I think that he needs to grow a pair!!
Post # 10
@makemake: I think your absolutly right. I do love him with all my heart, but if he doesnt change and if ends I will love again.
Post # 11
@Sgarcia1750: I was in a relationship similar to yours before my husband. It never seemed to matter how much I believed in him, he just kept knocking himself down. I ended up pushing him so hard, he eventually started lying about going to school. I just couldn’t change him, no matter how brilliant he was.
Of course, every person is different, but I do agree with you about not wanting a husband you have to push. It’s exhausting and it leads to resentment.