Post # 1
Member
7 posts
Newbee
I’m having a really hard time with this and I just need to vent and get a few opinions from non-biased people. So…here goes.
My FI and I have been together for 6 wonderful, incredible years. We just bought a house and he proposed to me in August…I was/am so excited and have already completely planned the wedding. I was really looking forward to it, but I just found out that his older brother has decided to propose to his girlfriend (of 8 months) in a few weeks. They also just put a contract in on a house that is literally down the street from ours. His proposal wasn’t premeditated and was a spur of the moment kind of decision. I’m really happy for him, and I want to be excited for their wedding, but I’m finding it really difficult. I guess it would be an easier pill to swallow if he had actually planned the proposal a little more and had clearly intended to do it prior to our engagement. It comes across as a ‘well you’re doing this and getting attention, so now I want to do that too’ kind of thought…although that’s probably an oversimplification.
I’m getting these ‘you’re going to steal our thunder’ feelings that are hard to ignore. I’ll say this – I realize that this is not really fair and I should just focus on my own special day and not worry about anyone else getting in the way, but it’s really hard. His brother has always been so jealous/competitive with him, even though my FI doesn’t participate in that. It’s always annoyed me though and now it’s surfacing in a way that will directly affect me. I just know that his brother will try to one-up him in every way he can with a bigger ring, bigger wedding, etc…
I’m still excited about my wedding, but I really don’t want to share the spotlight with him. Wow…even typing that makes me feel like a Bridezilla but I just can’t help it! I’m worried that whenever our wedding plans come up, theirs will too. I just want people to be excited for us
To top it all off, his brother’s girlfriend/soon-to-be fiancé gives me a weird vibe. She told my FI that she’s only been out with married men and is VERY jealous of other girls…it was just strange considering he doesn’t know her very well…that’s not something most people would say to their BF’s brother. That same night, she told me that my FI mother said I was “a stuck up bitch” which I can totally see her doing while she’s been drinking, but probably not really meaning it. It was odd because why would you say something like that except to be spiteful?
So, in summary – how do I deal with these feelings? I want to be excited about my wedding without worrying about them stealing our spotlight. I’m so excited to marry the love of my life…how do I get over this so I don’t ruin it for both of us? What if their wedding comes up every time ours does and what if they *gasp* get more attention?
Help! I’m having a crazy bride moment!
Post # 3
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
@soon-to-be: yup, it’s a crazy moment. So vent here, but please don’t take action on your feelings.
Honestly, I never understand why young women of eminately marriageable age think that they are the only one in that status. We reall ly ARE in a Jane Austen novel, haha! There’s a 5 years span where everyone is getting married and if you have a lot of cousins, siblngs, and friends, you’ll find yourself at a lot of weddings.
Further down the road will come babies and you’ll find many people pregnant at the same time you are (assuming kinds are in your future.)
Relax. There are a lot of humans on the planetdoing exactly the same thing you are.
YOU are unique, but your actions like engagement and wedding are part of the human play of life.
Post # 4
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
…can someone tell me where this “spotlight” is, I’ve never seen it.
This is not only completely crazy, it’s terribly unbecoming to be jealous and assume that someone resents you and your FI SO MUCH, that they will actually base life altering decisions on their potential to upset you….?
The good news is you are in the right place to let this out, vent as much as you need to and remember that while it feels so important now, the wedding is really just an instrument to your future together…people won’t recall or even care who got engaged or married right before or after you…it’s your lives together that’s important and exciting, your building the framework for your lives! Be excited!
Post # 5
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
She’s going to be family, get used to it.
Just keep your plans to yourself if you’re worried about that kind of stuff. You can always come up with an answer to brush them off. “Oh I haven’t thought about that yet.” Or “Oh I’ve been so busy we haven’t decided.” “I’m keeping that a surprise from everyone!”
My husband’s brother got married two weeks before us and it didn’t bother me. We didn’t really talk about weddings and ours were very different.
Post # 6
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
My advice is to get over it. What is this spotlight you speak of?
Your “day of attention” is your wedding day. Not the week of. Not the month of; most definitely not the year of or the time leading up to it.
You should get a handle on your feelings because like other Bees said, you’re going to be sharing the same time frame of life changes as a lot of people.
Post # 7
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
@Nona99: The spotlight comes from the wand of the wedding fairy. She rides a neon Pegasus. Didn’t you know this is where wedding glow comes from? What did they teach you in school, woman?
I’d be more concerned about your FBIL marrying a weirdo than I would about them stealing your spotlight. Whatever his reasons for proposing, you have no reason to take it personally.
Post # 8
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
@abirdword: OMG… ROFL.
“@Nona99: The spotlight comes from the wand of the wedding fairy. She rides a neon Pegasus. Didn’t you know this is where wedding glow comes from? What did they teach you in school, woman?”
Post # 10
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
@Nona99: Great reply. Ditto.
Yea, where the he** is this spotlight you gals speak of?!!?!??! I want one of my own dammit!
Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee
Wow. Was just looking for advice on the feelings, not to be criticized.
Post # 12
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
@soon-to-be: You are getting advice. People are telling you it’s not worth getting upset over. Sometimes we get ugly feelings we can’t shake, but they’re not rational or reasonable, and that’s part of being human. But when they’re unreasonable, sometimes we need that pointed out to us.
Post # 13
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
@soon-to-be: we gave you advice that you were looking for. most of us are telling you to get used to this woman now permanantly being in your life; hence our advice is to park those feelings in a box and get used to it. its not healthy for you to be stressing about “them getting more attention.” If you live life like a competition; you’re going to be miserable.
Post # 14
Member
5773 posts
Bee Keeper
Are you happy to be getting married? Do you love your FI? Do you love your new house? The joy you get from your life should not be contingent on the amount of attention you get from other people.
Post # 15
Member
7908 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
The best advice is to get over it. You are being irrational and working yourself up over nothing. It would be bad advice for us to offer any advice that validated your feelings. Focus on your relationship instead of other people’s.
Post # 16
Member
7 posts
Newbee
I totally realize that this is irrational. I don’t need someone to tell me that and I certainly don’t need validation on these crazy feelings. I was hoping for advice on how to deal with the irrational feelings (something constructive) and thought this would be the place for that.
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