Post # 1
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
Hi all,
I apologize for my little bit of a vent here but I don’t want to be a downer around my friends and need to hear from others.
Both my Fiance and I are suffering from a bit of depression with wedding planning. Neither of us has really had a problem with depression before but everything is taking a toll on us. It comes down to the following (sorry, I only know how to express myself via bullet points):
- My mother passed away a year and a half ago. We were incredibly close. And planning this wedding without her leaves a huge void. Her loss has never been more apparent than in the past 6 months.
- And my Dad is still living in Puerto Rico (refuses to move back to the states even though he is alone out there) so I don’t get to see him.
- On top of that, my Dad is not very communicative. When my mom was sick, he totally downplayed how ill she was. So when I finally got to PR (2 days before she unexpectedly passed), I was so shocked by how awful she looked. I fear that if he is sick, he’ll do the same thing and I’ll never know if he is really fine or not.
- My older brother (and only sibling) has always been very irresponsible. He has a wife and 3 kids but also spends way beyond his means. This debt has made him depressed and it’s hard to talk to him about how our family has grown apart when he is already so stressed with his life.
- FI’s mother is slowly showing increased signs of mental illness which run in her family. She’s become very angry and aggressive and says awful things sometimes. It’s become hard to be around her for extended periods of time.
- His younger sister lives in FL (we’re in NJ) and has made herself dependent on whomever she is dating at the time (it’s been this way for over 20 years). At 38, she does not make enough to live on her own and is always moving in with the newest boyfriend. This has caused them to grow apart because he always tries to talk sense into her and she doesn’t want to hear it.
- His “baby” brother (36) who Fiance has always been closest with is starting to become more and more distant. 10 years ago he married a woman who we love very much. But her religion has affected much of the family interactions. His brother does not follow her religion, but she still won’t allow him to come spend holidays with us as it a violation of her church. Since they had their baby a year ago, it’s become worse. We are not allowed to buy the baby gifts or spend too much time with him. And they continuously break plans with us or just don’t show up when they say they’re going to. He was going to ask him brother to be Best Man but he can’t even get a phone call out of him these days.
- And of course this wedding is stressing us out financially. It’s turning out to be way more than we wanted to spend but we’re too far in to tame it any more. And now we have to push back buying a house for another year.
That is pretty all of it in a nutshell. We don’t have any other family really (none that we grew up with close enough to confide in or even invite to our wedding). So all we have is each other which is usually enough. But we are beginning to wonder why we are even having a wedding? We did this to bring everyone together. But at this point, we don’t even know if we can depend on all of them to be there. And it makes our hearts hurt.
I just wanted to share and get some of this off of my chest. And of course I’d love to hear from others who have felt this way during the planning.
Post # 2
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
- Wedding: December 2015 - Key Largo Lighthouse
@DesiMercedes: Wow, that is a lot to deal with (even WITHOUT wedding planning)!
It’s hard when things are rough with family – especially when you want them to be apart of your life. I can’t really give you advice on how to repair those relationships, but I can say to keep trying to reach out to them. They might not respond OR might not respond the way you want but you’ll know you tried.
Personally, I use to be the “odd” family member out — the one who would avoid isolate myself from them and never communicate with them. Except, that wasn’t my families fault — it was stuff going on in my life that I had to deal with. I know it was hard on them….
There’s nothing you can do but to keep trying to reach out. Things might not fix themselves as quickly as before your wedding and, unfortunately, may never completely happen….but you and your fiance should look at this marriage as your chance to start a family of your own….
Do you have any close friends you can talk with and confide in? Maybe seeing a therapist for a little would help as you go through this process….It would be a lot to have going on even if you weren’t planning a wedding!
Is it too late to scale back on the wedding or maybe negotiate a lower package price with your locked in vendors? When it comes to the wedding, sit down with your fiance and discuss what is important to you and what isn’t. I had to do this a month agi when I started having panic attacks about all the costs adding up. I realized, I wish I could have a photobooth, opulent dinner, amazing florals everywhere, etc….but was any of that important? Nope! What was important was marrying the love of my life (oh, and a dessert bar because I’m really obsessed with sweets).
Best of luck!!!!
Post # 3
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
ebowers23: Thank you for your empathy!
I do plan on talking to them all. It’s just so hard, you know. Especially when I already suspect that they are going to downplay my concerns.
I do have some friends that I could confide in. But they are helping me so much with the wedding that I don’t want to burden them with my issues. I want this to be a happy day for them as well.
We’ve already started scaling back where we can. And thankfullly, most of our vendors have been great about cutting deals (like no tax when paying cash). We’ve also already cut things that we really wanted. We’ll try to keep florals under control since that’s not done yet. And we are trying to find a way to cut down on the printing of our invitations, but Fiance is a graphic desiger and really wants to get the best quality for what we pay.
Again, thank you.
Post # 4
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
wow, sweetie, i am SO sorry you’re dealing with this all on your own. You’re mother passing away i’m sure is really REALLY hard. I’m not sure what religion your fiance’s brothers wife follows but not allowing him to celebrate holidayand see his family is TERRIBLE. You seem to have done everything you can to make your family work and i’m sorry that others aren’t working as hard as you are. I know you said it’s too llate to change your wedding but are you POSITIVE? you might lose a deposit or two but it might be less expensive to actually lose the deposits and do a cocktail party reception instead of a large wedding. As long as thw two of you are in love and married at the end of the day then i’d say all went well. I hope everything works out for you. ::sending good and happy vibes::
Post # 5
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
daniellemc: Thank you!! I don’t know if I’ve done everythign I can yet so I do want to keep trying to fix things. It just becomes emotionally draining acting as the family referee. Especially not having mom to commiserate with. She and I would always laugh this stuff off. Much harder to do on my own.
And we’re a bit too close to make any changes at this point. Catering was actually a great deal so I don’t think the cocktail reception would necessarily change the cost too much.
It’s really the guest list at this point and it’s definitely too late to change that.
It honestly will be okay financially. It just feels like we set ourselves back a bit. At 36 and 42, we feel a little bit like failures when we can’t throw a decent wedding without feeling like we’re stretching things.
Honestly, I’m not a downer ever! This is so unlike me.
Post # 6
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
Take a deep breath and relax. You said your mom would laugh about this stuff. Chanel your mom, shse’s with you always. My fiance and i are 29 and 34 and we wouldn’t be able to have a wedding outside of a courthouse without my parents help. Don’t feel like a failure. Take a step back and look at all you’ve accomplished and know that love is all you really need to be married in the first place 🙂
Post # 7
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
daniellemc: Ugh, such good advice!! And you are right; that’s exactly what my friend tells me all the time. “What would your mother say right now?” And she would tell me to brush it off because it’s all going to work out. And then she would yell some sense into my dad and my brother.