(Closed) Wedding planning – parents, finances, whatevers.

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee

You plan the wedding you can afford. 

Post # 3
Member
47412 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

^^^ what she said.

Post # 4
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

How to budget? What can you afford if you are paying for it? How many people do you want? Go from there

As for the engagment dinner, it mainly being a family get together is common for many. Is she open to having some of your friends and his family?

Post # 6
Member
2501 posts
Sugar bee

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metta1980 :  this is not going to go well for you. you’re going to have a lot of bees who tell you you sound entitled by asking your parents at all, and ungrateful regarding their response.

honestly, i don’t think your parent’s response was vague at all. i think they straight up told you that you should plan the wedding that you can afford, but if there are last minute/unexpected costs at the end that you weren’t able to realistically account for (which is the kind of thing that always seems to happen – SOMETHING happens that costs more than you expect), then they will be willing to help you out. i don’t see how that’s vague. they’re not going to pay for your wedding, but they’re trying to take the stress of you by letting you know that there is an ICE fund

Post # 8
Member
9252 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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metta1980 :  The purpose of an engagement party is for the two families to get to know each other since they might be seeing each other at holidays, parties, family get-togethers, etc. once you’re married. So if none of your fiance’s family is invited, yes that’s weird. If your friends aren’t invited, that’s much less weird because your friends and your fiance’s friends presumably know each other, right? Or if they don’t by now, it must not be that big a deal to the two of you. If you are ok with the party your parents are planning, cool. If you’re not ok with it, tell them thanks for the sweet offer but you don’t want an engagement party.

Post # 9
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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metta1980 :  about the wedding: some parents respond best to being told to pay for certain items. This way they can have their say and  spend time with you. Try asking them to cover specific items like rings.

About the engagement party..I made it clear to both sides if they did something they needed to do it for both sides or we wouldn’t attend. We had drama about the rehearsal, parties and showers too. However, our rationalization was the other side would feel hurt being left out when the shoe is on the other foot (and we came up with specific examples like the rehearsal and the shower).

Post # 10
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think your family was clear- they aren’t paying for it, but would “hlep” if you got stuck at the end. My advice is don’t get stuck at the end. Just throw the wedding that the two of you can afford. That will remove a lot of pressure, too. You can set the guest list, pick the venue, do it the way you and your fiance truly want it!

As for her “engagement party”?? I’d say, “mom, thank you. That is a lovely gesture, but I’m not interested. Thank you anyway”. If she is throwing it, she gets to set the guest list, but, I agree with you. An engagement party is for both families- not just one!- and, it should not include people who won’t be invited to the wedding. I’d be mortified by her idea! And, I would absolutely decline.

Wedding planning is tough. It helps if you can get used to saying things such as “what an interesting idea”, “oh, thanks, I’ll consider that”, or “thanks for your ideas, but fiance and I have already decided upon…” and you change the subject. You will get lots of well-meaning advice, but you want to be able to enjoy this!

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

I must admit that I had a moment where I was frustrated with my family. They are horrible with money and will be little to no help financially. But then I realized that this is my FI’s wedding! My parents were obligated to feed and cloth me and they did all of that already. AND helped me (when they could) through college and grad school. And I like the idea that my mom gets no say. lol

All this to say…accept your disappointment and then get over it. 

Post # 12
Member
1601 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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gatsbyaffair :  no, please don’t “tell” your parents to pay for anything. You are grown ups and as such, should be willing to pay for your own wedding. If your parents offer to help pay, then it is perfectly acceptable to ask for the specifics of how much and/or for what items and whether there are any strings or stipulations. But do absolutely not tell your parents to pay for anything. Whether you are entitled and spoiled or not, that is how it is going to come across. 

From her post, the OPs parents clearly aren’t wanting to contribute anything unless they run into financial issues at the end, ie. the OP should not count on any money for their wedding since her parents haven’t offered.

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metta1980 :  your tone in your OP might have come across a bit entitled/whiny brcause you sounded like you were complaining that your parents weren’t contributing. HOWEVER, I think it is awesome that you saw a financial advisor in order to figure out how to save x amount of dollars for your wedding. That is an excellent idea and more people should do that at the beginning of their engagement. So props for that. 

Post # 13
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think we will be having any financial help from our families with our wedding. But I rather pay for it ourselves that way it will be exactly what we want (inlaws are a little… pushy haha)

My mum would like to help pay for my dress which I didn’t expect her to do so, but it’s a lovely thought.

The engagement party does sound a little odd, I wouldnt think of it as an enagement party as such, more of a family get together.

We decided not to have an engagement party, so we could put that money towards the wedding 🙂

Post # 15
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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chocochai :  Your post comes across very judgemental. How dare you judge me or the relationship I have with my parents? By the way, this came from MARTHA STEWART  (who my mom adores btw). Traditionally, grooms family pays for specific things like the bar and bridal boquet and brides family pays for specific things like catering. If you don’t ask for things to be paid for how will families know what to cover? Or who is contributing for what?

There is nothing wrong with asking my parents if they would be willing to cover something specific like catering especially of they have specific demands about it. It’s not whiney or entitled and it pops up on etiquette books since parents paying for SPECIFIC things is traditional.

And just an FYI, we did pay for our wedding ourselves with very little help, so I’m not spoiled. Can you say the same? But you are definitely judgemental. I’d argue that going around asking for blank checks makes you spoiled. Sometimes family wants a say with how their money is spent.

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