- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
I have probably posted about 1000 posts in the year since I’ve been planning my wedding. I have been feeling lately like I might not have the bride gene. I can’t get this wedding to stay organized and with the same sense of formality. Everything about my wedding feels semi-formal. My dress, venue, decorations, program, menu, time, invitation, etc….all say semi-formal. My ceremony however says different. I think I have a groom that’s not as much on board of this wedding as I am. Everything to him is minutes and seconds. I have battled so much with my mother. She is Catholic and she has wanted so many ideas for my wedding that follow tradition within the church and family. I have 2 sisters and my mom was very big on me having them as bridesmaids in my wedding. My Fiance on the other hand didn’t want a wedding party. I explained that it was important bc I will need help getting ready on my day and there’s so many purposes of Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaids, and besides we need a witness and ushers to walk all 200 guests coming to the wedding. I also performed many acts of service (wink wink) to get him to let me have my sisters as bridesmaids and he finally gave in. Now that we’re getting further into planning my mom is holding tight on her budget strings and I think it’s bc she knows that I can’t afford to pay for this wedding on my own. I am struggling as it is trying to pay for our venue that my Fiance and I picked out and my mother hates bc it’s such a far drive for her and she didn’t feel like she could be of any assistance bc she didn’t know any vendors in that area. So bc of all this…she’s been very absent in my planning. She feels very excluded. I bought my wedding dress by myself bc she and I couldn’t see eye to eye. Every dress I loved, she hated, and vice versa. I picked out an invitation and sent it to her with all the wording on it, all she had to do was press confirm payment. She instead changed the invitation to what she wanted. The invitations came out horrible and my mom apologized and we moved on. Now, with this ceremony, I feel like we’re revisiting the same issues with the problems in this wedding planning and this has me wondering whether it’s all worth it. I feel stuck in the middle. I have my mom telling me what she would like on one hand, and a fiance on the other hand telling me that he doesn’t see the point in it, he’s not turning our wedding into a 3 ring circle, and the ideas are pointless. My mom being the Catholic she is was distraught I was getting married outside the church. So we compromised by having a cross built for the ceremony. We couldn’t get a catholic priest or a lutheran pastor (my dad’s lutheran) and we tried. Then again, we didn’t try that hard bc I could have tried more but my Fiance said he didn’t want an hour long ceremony and most Catholic/Lutheran weddings are that long. My mom wants us to kneel for a blessing at the end of the wedding, my Fiance refuses to kneel. My mom wanted us to have communion, my Fiance refuses. My mom wanted a song that was played at her wedding played at ours during the unity ceremony. My Fiance got upset and said he saw no point adding a song with words to the ceremony when all we’re doing is pouring sand and that’s not going to take long and we’ll have to nix the song in the middle and that’s just terrible so no, we’re not going to have the song. I offered alternatives and said this is just going to cause a fight and can’t you see I’m trying to win here but it’s to the point where I don’t even have a voice anymore.
I’m starting to feel like my wedding is going to be terrible. I’ve had so many fiascos and unwanted stress. My dress is so gorgeous and I was having a convo with my Fiance when we were talking about first looks and he said he didn’t want one. I showed him the looks of what they were bc he didn’t really understand what it was. When I showed him the pics of the grooms crying and gasping, he said “gay, they’re sissys. I will not be crying at our wedding. I’ve never cried so don’t get your hopes up cause it ain’t happening.” That was one shot I wanted at my ceremony. My groom’s reaction at first glance. I have literally been having dreams of my groom yawning, looking at his watch, nodding his head like speak it up reverend. I want to write my own vows and my fiance didn’t nix those ideas but didn’t really see a point in it either. I just asked him tonight to help me pick out music for the ceremony bc we meet with the DJ tomorrow to go over it, and he listened to the song but would be like I don’t need to hear all 3 minutes, just a snip is fine. Then he was making faces and I just said never mind. He finally came around and then this song that my mom wanted played bc the issue and I just said to him that I don’t think he wants a marriage, he just wants a wedding party. The only thing he wants is to say I do, cut the cake, and talk to guests. I said I’m no where in there. Whatever I want for the ceremony is not ideas that are just for the bride. They’re for us. I don’t think we’re an us in this whole wedding planning stuff. He said don’t get mad at me when I give you my opinion of the wedding planning. I do though. I know opinions don’t mean I have to take their advice, but I already have prew-wedding fears that he’s going to be a miserable groom and I’m killing myself trying to afford this wedding and thinking that I have a groom that could give a damn is killing me. He said I now can just take the ideas and run with them. He doesn’t want anymore involvement and that he’s just ready for this stress to be over with and I can’t do that though. I want my Fiance to have a voice but seeing as we can’t compromise together wtihout the other losing, I want him to be happy, but at the same time I want to have everything I ever dreamed of having and not have to worry about the length of a ceremony. That shouldn’t be my focus.