Post # 1
So I’m struggling with emotions a bit today — Valentine’s Day — and just need to vent so I don’t blow what should be a lovely night.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, nine months, as of today. We are both finishing grad school in England, and so we decided (or he finally decided) back in October that we were going to build our lives together. I’m American, he’s Canadian, so being together is complicated by different passports. In January, I was offered a dream job in California starting in August, which was the best offer on the table between us with plenty of job opportunities for him. So he agreed to follow me, and we filled out and filed fiance visa paperwork in January. It can take 8 to 12 months to be processed, so we know that we’ll have to elope whenever it comes through to get the next stage of paperwork processed (the green card) and get him working. That all said, we’ve set an engagement party date here for April 21 so we can celebrate with our international friends before we leave, and we’ve established we’ll have an engagement party in Toronto for his family early September, elope circa November, and then have the big wedding in May 2013 in the house my grandparents built. Because we want to travel before we leave Europe, we’ve had to discuss and plan a lot of things with the wedding to set a budget and see how much we want to spend.
However, he still hasn’t formally proposed, which he knows I want. It’s not about the ring at all (I don’t even want a diamond), I just really want to hear the words “will you marry me”. Job decisions forced the decision on marriage, so I just need that little bit of romance to know he’s all in. I learned about two weeks ago that he was designing the ring, and while glad to hear it, I was a little bit disappointed to realise he was only just starting that process. So I know there will be no proposal today, maybe not for several weeks. I was also bothered to learn in the last two weeks that he really hasn’t talked about our decision to get married with anybody — he mentioned ring shopping to one friend, and while his parents know he’s moving to California, he says they ‘just assumed the rest’ and there was no discussion. So I am a little hurt still that he doesn’t feel the need to share such an important decision with his family. I, on the other hand, had gotten so much pressure from so many people as to when he was going to propose (like I know, right) that I did tell all my close friends and family of our decision over Christmas. Several of the people back home think I am delusional for starting to plan with no ring. Some fear it might not ever happen, and this fuels my own insecurities. Friends here thinking I’m being ridiculous for wanting the proposal because they see us together and claim we’re basically married already. I’m trying to postpone what planning I can, but there some stuff I have to do with the first party only two months away.
Anyhow, he knows I’d like to actually be engaged before the first engagement party, but I fear he may push it to the last minute. It was my year to plan valentine’s (we switch off) so I’m making him dinner at home tonight. I want to just enjoy the night and I think its even a bit cheesy to propose on valentine’s day. Just trying to shake the grumpy sadness that it won’t happen anytime soon.
Post # 3
Oh hun, that sounds tough. I think that at some point (possibly not tonight as you don’t want to spoil you VDay evening) butyou need to sit down toegther and talk this through. I know you say he knows that you would liek to be engaged before the first party but it might be worthwhile talking it through somemore so he realsies how important it is for you but also dicuss why he hasn’t tlaked this through with other’s and explain your concerns.
I am sure he is just being very male about these things but It is worth talkinh through some more if you are still feeling really down about it!
Post # 4
@cllittle5098: I understand your fears and insecurities and I think he does need to propose. I agree with your friends and family who think that he might not ever do so. If he doesn’t need to and procrastinates, who knows?
I don’t mean to be debbie downer here, but I do think you need to have a serious talk with him about all of this. Let him know that you love him and want to marry him, but you don’t think you can continue with all these processes (visa, engagement parties, elopement) without being formally engaged.
The red flag I see is that you guys have decided to get married since around Christmas (I’m guessing that time since that is when you told your family) but he hasn’t even told his parents! Why? My parents might assume a lot (i.e. my Fiance asked for my hand) but I still went over to show them the ring and officially tell them.
Good luck! Hopefully you can set a timeline and things can be done the way you want.
Post # 5
@cllittle5098: I understand how much the whole immigration process sucks. SO and I are going to be going through it soon, just the other way around (I’m American trying to permanently immigrate to Canada). Did you tell him though how much you really want to be engaged before you start planning stuff? I know I told my boyfriend that I would really LOVE to be engaged before I start my permanent residency process. And from the looks of it, we’ll either be engaged before we start or soon afterwards anyway. I’d sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel about everything. Say something along the lines of “honey I’m happy we’re this process so we can live together and start a future, but it would mean alot to me if you would actually propose before we have the engagement party.”
Post # 6
I have been in a similar situation as you, but DH and I didn’t live together and we *decided* to get married while I was over on a long visit. Because it was going to involve such a big move, and continuing to travel back and forth just wasn’t practical… so we decided, let it sink in for a while and told our family and friends we were starting the visa process, and did most of our wedding planning long distance. The ring and the proposal were a big deal to him, though I told him being together was the important part, and because we were rushing it – not to worry about a ring, etc…. but he planned his proposal for when I returned to stay for good and did it exactly the way he wanted.
I suppose I felt “engaged” and was engaged without the proposal, and it felt official when the paperwork was set in motion – as boring a way to feel official as it was. It was just what our situation allowed it to be. Engagements with visa/green card requirements do have awkward time constraints which can make it feel less romantic… but I bet your man just wants to get the ring and the proposal right. We told our parents in a kind of “so yeah….we’re going to get a fiance visa and yeah….” so I can see why he might have told his parents focusing on the move to California.
But like others have said, if you are feeling hurt, you should talk to him.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone. I was feeling a bit under the weather yesterday and a bit PMSy too. I do feel engaged, most of the time I feel married just without the legalities finalized. We really have made so many decisions as to the dates and weddings, and I do know he is designing the ring, so I know it will happen. I have been very communicative about what I need. I think part of the delay is him wanting to make it a special and surprise me a bit, so he was waiting for all the visa paperwork to get filed and me to calm down in the planning. The main reason I vented here is so I don’t blow up at him in my waiting frustration and mess up the actual proposal. I know I’ll get pressure from some people that it hasn’t happened yet, which doesn’t help my own frustration. But last night he took a photo of every course I served him so show his friends he was marrying the best cook on the continent. So that was sweet.
Thanks for listening.