Post # 1
My sister is 14 years older than me. My sister got pregnant at 20 to the same guy she had been with since her Freshman year of highschool. They got married. Despite being young and my parents having a lot less money they spent about $9000 (in 1997) and gave my sister and BIL a very nice wedding.
So fast forward to now, my sister is 37 and I am 23. My fiance are getting married next September at that time I’m be just shy of 25. Since we’ve gotten engaged my sister has been a royal pain in my rear end. She criticizes everything from the choice of ring my Fiance got me to wanting to spend a little more money on the photographer to where we’re having the wedding. She constantly says we’re getting married too early despite the fact that she got married at 23 and we are at a FAR better place in our lives than she was.
I sent a text message out the other day to all my maids with a picture of our venue saying we had finally put the deposit down on it. My parents and his parents have insisted on paying for the venue and food (about $4000 all together) while we are fronting the bill for the rest ($10,000-$12,000 total budget.)
Apparently this pissed my sister off because she immediately called my mother and started screaming at her for booking this venue because it was a ridiculous extravagence (it cost us about $500 to book a country club versus the $1000 for her venue)
She goes on and on about how I get everything because I’m the baby which is the exact opposite. My sister has had everything handed to her from her house to her shoes. Most of it’s because she got pregnant so young and everyone was trying to make sure they didn’t end up in a bad situation. She doesn’t have a college degree because she dropped out(she was getting it paid for) but she only has to work part time(about 15 hours a week in the library at my niece’s school) because my BIL supports them.This is all great, I don’t complain about how much my Fiance and I have to work to put ourselves through school and to secure the things we have, and I don’t begrudge her any of the things she has or her happiness.
But the moment I do or get something that makes me happy she has to try to destroy it. To told me my ring was tacky because it wasn’t a solitaire like hers. She told me I’m being extravagent because I am paying $1500 out of my own wedding savings for a decent photographer. She’s criticizing my parents and yelling at them for playing favorites because we’re not having our wedding in a gym. She’s complaining because I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, my niece to be a junior Bridesmaid or Best Man, and my Fiance asked my nephew to be a Groomsmen. She got really upset because she’s “going to have to pay for all of that and then get us a gift.” I told her my Fiance is taking care of suit rentals so she didn’t have to pay for that. I could buy my nieces dresses and I would pay to have their hair done if they wanted it done. Her response is, “Why would you do that? Just so you can hold it over my head.”
Most of the time things are great but whenever it’s something big like this (my 18th birthday party, graduation, wedding plans, etc.) she turns into this raging competitive diva. I just can’t win and right now I honestly just want to cancel the whole thing so I don’t have to deal with her but I know if I do she’ll get mad because I’ve “made her look like the bad guy.”
I’m just so unhappy and stressed out. She’s my sister, she’s suppose to be on my side. I don’t know why this has to be some sort of competition.
Post # 3
She is being really jealous. And the best thing you can do is not argue with her and keep a smile on your face. If you’re miserable, then she wins.
If she can’t be happy being a bridesmaid and having her children in the wedding, then you can simply give her the option to not participate. She isn’t happy if you pay for everything and she isn’t happy if she has to pay for everything (WTF!?). So ask if she actually wants to be involved at all.
It’s your wedding and you can do whatever you want. And you certainly don’t have to deal with critics who aren’t happy for you. Only involve people in the wedding who are truly happy for you, happy to be there for you, and who want to participate.
Post # 4
@SweetHoneyBee: I think you need to have a ‘talk’ with her. A “I love you but either shut up or help” talk. Have you spoken to your mother about this? Tell her she either needs to be supportive or just shut up.
Post # 5
Don’t feed her. The best thing you can do for yourself and the worst thing you can do to her is to be so completely happy on your day and not buy into her crap and drama.
Post # 6
This is crazy for someone who is 37. She’s probably just jealous. I’d ignore it.
Post # 7
Well she actually started a fight between my mom and I. From the get go I’ve stated we didn’t want any monetary help if it was going to be difficult for them to give us that money. But all of our parents have insisted on paying the whole wedding and we’ve finally gotten them down to paying for just some of it. Obviously we’re appreciative of this help but we just didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to pay for OUR wedding.
When my sister called my mom and started yelling about the venue she told my mom that my parents weren’t considering all the factors and in the long run they’d end up paying A LOT more money (idk where she got this from) and I was already having a bad day so when my mom called to ask if we had truly considered our costs because my sister didn’t believe we have(according to my sister we have no regard for our money) so I got upset and I told my mom I really wasn’t in the mood to have that kind of discussion with her then hung up the phone. This of course made my mom angry and from there we started fighting.
After we got things cooled off she begged me not to say anything with my sister because she didn’t want to fight with her nor did she want us fighting anymore. So out of respect and cosideration for my mom I have yet to say anything. I really feel like I need to though, I just don’t know how to go about doing it without absolutely freaking out on her over all of us.
It’s all gotten so crazy and ridiculous. I mean she’s 37 years old with a 16 year old and 10 year old, I’m certain she has better things to do than worry about our wedding.
Post # 8
It sounds like your sister probably has some regrets about the way her life turned out and she is projecting that onto you and her mother. The fact of the matter is, what your parents choose to contribute is their business and no one elses’. Furthermore, what YOU choose for your wedding is YOUR business. She is entitled to her opinions, but she doesn’t need to share them. In fact, she should be tactful and gracious and keep them to herself. Perhaps you should try to appeal to her sensitive side by asking how she would have felt if the roles had been reversed and you were the older sister that was constantly criticizing and making her feel small.
Your sister may have been a catalyst for some drama, but the fight that started between you and your Mom was because you hung up on her… lesson learned. Don’t hang up on Mom! 🙂
Post # 9
@SweetHoneyBee: Wow, she needs to grow up.
Post # 10
I never agree w/the “just ignore it” mentality. When someone is that insecure/negative, ignoring them is likely to only make them try harder to rain on your parade.
I would tell her it really seems like she doesn’t want to be involved & that her hateful behavior is ruining a time of your life that should be happy. Give her an ultimatum: ‘Either keep negative comments to yourself or stay away.” It’s the most important day of your life up until this point… Having someone discrediting it @ every turn is something you don’t deserve.
I have to say, too, shame on your mother for not putting her in her place. It definitely sounds like someone needs to! I come from a long line of passive-aggressive women & little annoys me more than that kind of behavior. TELL SOMEONE when they’re truly upsetting you & that you won’t stand for it. People would be surprised how much more drama-free this behavior will make their lives in the long run.
I really hope you sort it out. You deserve better! Good luck!
Post # 11
Maybe ask your family to stop sharing these kinds of details with your sister? Why does she even need to know what your parents are paying or any other details besides where to show up and even that doesn’t need to be divuldged until closer to the wedding. If she is just going to create drama about everything I would personally just stop including her in any of the details for planning.
Post # 12
@Future Mrs. W: I didn’t even think of that. Very good point!
Post # 13
Your sister sounds horrid. There’s no point arguing with her though. I would ask your Mom to stop sharing details with her. I would also stop talking to her about the wedding. When she asks, just say everything is fine. I will then find an excuse to ask her to step down from the wedding, say something sweet like you had so much trouble with it I don’t want to burden you anymore..etc.
Then have a great time during your wedding..nothing she can say bout it. If she says your ring is tacky you can say..its the trend right now, if its tacky i don’t want to be right. I would be so catty back to remarks like that.
Post # 14
Your sister sounds like a peach. She needs to put on her big-girl panties and grow the hell up.
I would leave her out of wedding details because she is going to criticize everything you do. Keep the details between the people who actually need to know and only tell her what is absolutely necessary.
It sucks that you have to blacklist your sister from wedding fun, but it sounds like it might be best for your peace of mind.
Post # 15
@SweetHoneyBee: So out of respect and cosideration for my mom I have yet to say anything.
I sent a text message out the other day to all my maids with a picture of our venue saying we had finally put the deposit down on it.
So yeah, you didn’t keep your end of the bargain. Do not talk to her about your wedding. At all. By now, she knows what to wear, where to be, etc. Let her get information from other people, but don’t let yourself get dragged into this drama.
Post # 16
Wow your sister sounds like a brat! I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. At the end of the day, she had her day and its your turn to have yours. I agree that you should speak with her about her behaviour, but maybe wait until she cools off a bit, and continue to plan your wedding. Unfortunately, weddings seem to bring out the worst in the people who should love you best. Stay strong, dear.