- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I get married on Saturday, and I am just so frantic. About two thirds of our guests are from out of town, and some of them already started to arrive yesterday, and I am so scared that I won’t be able to see them at all because I will be stuck doing all these last minute tasks instead of relaxing and enjoying the weekend. I still have to do: a seating chart, finish welcome baskets, table numbers, pick up my dress, shoes, and bra, pick up bridesmaid jewelry and rings from the jeweler, make other random stuff. I can’t sleep. And I know I’m burning myself out, because I lost my voice last night, and my nose is constantly running and I’m sneezing as I type this.
I feel like I won’t be able to make it through the week and actually enjoy myself. But I don’t want to cut corners and make things look terrible either. Really what’s happening is I feel like I’m playing out my childhood with my mother all over again, where she makes my life crazy and I’m not allowed to complain or respond, because she’ll freak out at me, and then my dad and brother and everyone else will think I’m a terrible little brat and I’ll get in trouble and get yelled at, and I know I sound ridiculous from the outside, but I am breaking. I am so losing it.
The real problem is my mother and I have a very rocky relationship history, and I am not handling it well. But now she has been trying to make up for it for how she used to be, by taking on a huge list of wedding-related tasks. Which should be super sweet of her. Here’s the problem. She said she would get all of it done by Sunday night, and I was working with her late last night, and it still isn’t done. Which would be fine, except she didnt’ TELL ME how behind she was until YESTERDAY. So, I couldn’t delegate anything else to my bridesmaids’, or start on it myself, and at least one project just cannot be done anymore. (I really wanted a table of family wedding pictures, but FH’s parents, brother, and my aunt and uncle (who are like second parents, are all coming in town early. So they can’t access their photos from 100s of miles away).
Again, I would totally try to get over it, if my mom was the least bit apologetic. But she isn’t. And when I went through my final wedding list, and asked about the wedding photos, she got really mad at ME and accused me of not telling her. I had to find it on the list I gave her, and show her, because she didn’t believe me. She just keeps saying that she’s so exhausted and tired. Which she is. But that’s because she’s taken on all this random stuff. Like, she painted us this long aisle runner (like, painted the whole thing long to look like a river), which I didn’t even ask her to do. And she stayed up late Monday night making a TON of cupcakes to freeze, and made a custom cupcake tower for the Rehearsal Dinner night which NO ONE asked her to do. I don’t even like her cupcakes all that much. But last night, when I arrived, I found out she hadn’t even started trying to make my veil, so now my veil looks like it was made in ten minutes, because it was. And I wish I had just purchased one. AGAIN, if she had just told me before the Tuesday I am getting married, I could have dealt with all this.
She is playing a total martyr. She’s a workaholic, always has been. When I was little, I was TERRIFIED of her moood swings, and my whole family pretty much existed to make her feel better. As long as I remember, I tried to protect my little brother from her, so he wouldn’t be hurt by her yelling at us. She just told me all sorts of stuff. And my dad just wants her to be happy, to just not let this stuff bother me and do what she wants. And I’m 28 now, and was in therapy for eight years, in large part because I just had no self esteem and set no boundaries and used to find awful abusive relationships and kept finding them until one of them starting threatening my life, calling me a whore, and giving me bruises. That lasted a year. It took me six years to graduate from college, because I had all sorts of issues with self-harm and depression. Even though I was accepted into a great school with tons of scholarships.
FH is amazing and wonderful, and I thought that with his support and my years of living out of my parents’ home, I could handle my mother, but I can’t. It’s too much time near her. Now, every time she says anything that can be construed as manipulative, I shut down and start stuffing my emotions inside so I can be polite to her, and I am losing it. I had a panic attack for the first time in years on Sunday night, where it felt like I was dying and my throat was swelling and closing up, so I felt liek I coudln’t breathe (my throat wasn’t ACTUALLY closing up, it’s an anxiety thing).
Now I just want all this to-do list stuff to be done. I took all of her tasks away from her, so I don’t have to hear about them any more. I lied and said they were already finished. Thought it would be easier to just do them myself and listen to her for one more minute. I just want my wedding back. And I feel I am close to letting her ruin it. I just need ways to do all these things quickly and in a cute way, so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
Help, bees! Can someone just tell me it’s going to be okay? I can’t be the only person with MOB drama like this. I want to actually ENJOY my wedding with all these people I love, not be resentful and upset. Help!