(Closed) Wedding Setback?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly it sounds like you’re pushing him into a wedding, too.  You can’t even compromise by pushing the date back at his request.  Telling him its that date or never is not fair to him.

I would very seriously listen to what this man has told you and reconsider going through with this on your scheduled date until he’s sure he wants to do this.

Post # 4
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

marriage is about being there through each other in SICKNESS and in HEALTH, and honestly are you sure you want to marry him after how he treated you during your illness?

THAT is the number 1 thing I’d be questioning right now if I were you.

I don’t think you should be planning a wedding and getting married just because it makes you feel better health wise.  Honestly, to me it soundsl ike now is not a good time.  Your engagement should be a happy, exciting period.  The days before your wedding should be fun and light, not clouded with all of these things.

I know as hard as it would be to postpone or call off a wedding, that in this situation I would not feel comfortable getting married at this time.

Good luck! I do wish you guys the best!

Post # 5
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Can you talk to your doctor about adjusting your medicaiton? It sounds like the mood swings that you have been having are having a significant negative impact on your quality of life. Since your story is coming from you while you are having these emotional mood swings, and I don’t know you, I can’t tell if you are overreacting or if there really is a problem. Getting your head on straight and feeling like yourself again could give you a whole new perspecitve on things.

Post # 6
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

First of, I would take him to a doctors appointment where the docter explains to him exactly what kind of effect your meds have on you. Hearing it from a stranger might feel different than hearing it from you and a docter can speak to him on a rational level, something guys usually tend to respond to.

This time in your life has been though for the both of you and I feel for you and hope things will be easier soon!

I don’t agree with the previous poster. Having an SO that is ill and the added stress of all other things going on in both your lives allows him a mental breakdown from time to time. It’s all getting to big for him and he can’t handle it all. Perfectly natural.

Honostly, I think you should push back your date. You just need time. He needs some time. And if you are meant to spend a lifetime with him, there will be another perfect date and there will be a wedding. 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you’re both too emotional to get married. I know it’s meant to be emotional – but the two of you sound emotional to the point of blindness to other issues that are there. Like as if you can just push past the issues to get to the marriage, when in my opinion, marriage should be a natural progression of things rather than something you need to fight and argue and cry to get.

Sounds like you’re going through a very tough time – but think carefully about what to do next. If you two aren’t meant to be and you push to get married, you’ll only avoid pain now and pay the price later (perhaps with children in tow). I think it would do you both well to take a step back and reevaluate if this is the right time to be thinking of marriage.

Big big hugs – good or bad, everything passes.

 

Post # 8
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve been so ill as of late, I know that’s never easy for the person in question and it can be quite literally a living hell for the person closest to you. 

I think maybe your focus and emotional rock, has shifted from your Fiance to the wedding…and that you feel, if you can just get this part done, get the dress, cut the cake, snap the garter and throw the bouquet…it will all work itself out….I gotta tell you, that is just dead wrong honey.

I get where your Fiance is coming from in a big way, and when a person is more concerned about the event happening their way on their day or not at all…something is seriously wrong in the relationship.

This man that you love more than anything is reaching out to you, and you may not like what he needs from you right now…but you can bet he’d do the same if the roles were reversed…so it’s time to man up and do what’s best for both of you.

Postpone, he’s not ready, and honestly, neither are you. 

Post # 10
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I know it’s not ideal timing, but I can tell you as a current graduate student that weddings during grad programs do happen! While in grad school, Fiance and I have attended at least 3 weddings of friends who were enrolled in full-time graduate study. In fact, although he’s finished his PhD, mine will not be complete at the time our wedding.

It sounds like you two genuinely want to be together (and already live together, if I’ve read correctly) so I don’t see any harm–beyond monetary–in postponing the celebration until you’re both on the same page. Perhaps you two can take this time to grow as a couple and focus on your relationship without the added stress/drama of wedding planning.

Also, your health is way more important than anything else. Here’s to hoping that the next round of treatment goes well and that you’re on the mend. 

Post # 11
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@anonybee33:  The marriage pressure stuff sounds worrying, to be honest.  I know that sometimes women think that once we’re married, everything will be all finalized and settled and groovy – but if the guy’s not ready, that’s a really bad way to start a marriage.  I think you should postpone it too.  You said “I’m so afraid that if we pushed the date back, we wouldn’t end up getting married.”  Sorry, but that is a terrible reason to get married.  You should both be over the moon excited about it.  If that’s not happening, either it’s not the right time or it’s not the right relationship.

Also just wanted to say I’m sorry about your health issues and that i can relate  🙁  My Fiance is going through some really rough health stuff right now – it’s basically the worst time of his life so far – and I know how important it is to feel 100% supported by your partner.  It’s hard on me sometimes (I just want us to BE NORMAL for a freaking day!) but it’s so much harder on him, so I’m doing everything I can to help and support him.  I’m sorry that your guy isn’t dealing with his burden very well  🙁

Post # 12
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

From what you’ve written here it seems like you really need to postpone the wedding.  I think you all have a lot of things to work through and that you need to do that before getting married. 

No matter how well you get along with your partner there are things about being married that are a little stressful…nothing that can’t be worked out.  However, if you come into a marriage with the stress you all are experiencing right now then you’re starting things off with a relationship detriment. 

Take your time and get some counseling.  It sounds like you all really love one another and there is no need to rush into things if both of you aren’t ready. 

Post # 13
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep the wedding date as is. If he has expressed to you that he wants to push it back, you need to listen. Yes you run the risk of it not happening…but things will play out whether you are married or not & if it doesn’t happen because you chose to push it back, you can rest assured that if you had gotten married, you’d likely be in the process of a divorce instead of a break up. I know you are emotional & recovering from a pretty serious health issue and it can make you unsure if you are making the right decision, but your Fiance has said he wants to move the wedding back & that is a huge thing for him to say. Plus, I don’t know you or him obviously, but I don’t like how he’s being with you being sick. I agree with a PP, marriage is in sickness and in health & he sounds like he’s being a really crappy support system while you are sick. That alone would have me really considering if I am ready to BE MARRIED to this man (NOT marry. A wedding is not a marriage.) I would be hesistant to marry him unless he showed more compassion & actually proved that he will be around & there for you while you are sick & in need of his help.

Post # 14
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you don’t think he’ll marry you in another year or two, or whatever, then you shouldn’t be marrying him now.

I understand what he said hurt, but I don’t feel like you really listened to any of it. Honestly, it seems like you are making excuses for why he feels that way…but doing that isn’t going to change his feelings. If he feels you pressured him to get married and engaged, that’s not going to go away by getting married in a few months. That resentment will build over time, and he will pull away more and more.

I’m sorry, but I think you really need to think about what he said some more, and seriously consider postpoining.

Post # 15
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I really am so sorry for all that you are going through.  To be honest, as I was reading your post I just kept thinking to myself what a great guy he sounds like (his written account of his feelings are what did it…).  Now, I don’t think it’s great that he was pulling away from you after the surgery, but sometimes that is how men (and women) deal with things they are afraid of.  Perhaps he was avoiding you a little to prevent conflict. 

I think that a marriage has to be built on mutual respect and understanding.  He is clearly going through things (as are you), and it sounds like he is trying to communicate his feelings and reservations to you (which can be so incredibly difficult for men to be open about).  From what I have read, I honestly do not doubt that he wants to marry you eventually-  but it just doesn’t sound like he is ready.   Maybe you can consider some counseling together?

 

 

Post # 16
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@anonybee33:  Hmmm…well it seems to an outsider like you guys have basically been thinking about getting engaged since the six month mark, which isn’t really healthy. All of that time you pushed him for a proposal (whether you meant to or not) and all of that time he felt pressured into giving you one. 

He’s pulling away because a wedding isn’t what he wants and it sounds like he might be having doubts about the relationship. He doesn’t know how to communicate this to you. When he tried to tell you, you made him feel guilty by telling him how important it was and then gave him an ultimatim. Seriously girl, you have got to stop doing that. I think that couples counselling is in order because you guys do not seem like a couple that is ready to down up the aisle. 

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