(Closed) Wedding Shower Conundrum

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d decline the invite and give the coworker a token gift (like some fancy chocolates or a bottle of wine) just out of good manners.

Post # 5
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

The generally thoughts around here that I have seen are that “work” or “church” showers can and are thrown for people that aren’t always all invited to the actual wedding. If you are close enough to want to go to her wedding, then I would just graciously buy her a gift, go have fun at the shower and move on. She may not of had control over the guest list of the shower so I wouldn’t blame her. 

Post # 6
Member
46411 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We have showers for colleagues all the time, with no expectation that any of us will necessarily be invited to the wedding.

Yes, etiquette does say that people who are not invited to the wedding are not invited to the shower. I think this rule is relaxed all the time for groups like co-workers, church members, book clubs etc.- people who just want to socialize and wish someone well on the occasion of your marriage.

If you don’t want to go, because of what you deem to be a breach of etiquette, then don’t go.

Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

To me, inviting me to a shower without inviting me to the wedding is like saying “I like you enough to buy you finger-sandwiches but not enough to buy you dinner. Oh and while you’re listening, here’s my registry.”. I know etiquette is always evolving, but that doesn’t make it okay. I think if you’re trying to celebrate an upcoming wedding with a coworker and know the majority of coworkers aren’t going to be invited, the celebration shouldn’t be called a “shower,” and should be held in conjunction with the workday— either everyone gathering in the conference room (or whatever is at your work) for a festive potluck, or an off-premises gathering immediately after work (might even be better held at a restaurant or bar). Same with church groups. Asking someone to give up half of their day off for an event where it’s implied that guests should bring gifts, but not inviting them to the main event, just doesn’t sit right with me, and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable or happy in that situation.

Post # 8
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We do work showers when someone is getting married but with no expectation that everyone is invited to the wedding. The one difference though, and it’s substantial, is that it’s organized by our office manager, work pays for the food, and we all chip in for a gift but it’s generally a smaller amount.

Post # 9
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is this a “mixed” shower with friends, family, and co-workers?  Or just co-workers?  If its for everyone, I say decline but give a small gift; if it is just co-workers, then apparently this is something people are doing now?  Although if your office hasn’t done it before for other people, then I’m not sure why she gets to start it (although I suppose it has to start somwhere). 

Post # 11
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, etiquette says that anyone invited to a pre-wedding party needs to be invited to the wedding.  However, as a few PPs have pointed out, church and work showers are usually the exception.  Of course, only people from church or work should be invited (as opposed to a mixed shower with other family and friends).

So really, it’s up to you want you want to do.  If you want to go and just get a nice little gift you can, but it’s certainly ok if you don’t feel comfortable going.  For me, it would depend on the relationship I have with the coworker and how close we are – officemate most likely, person I only see in the hall every other day, probably not.

Post # 12
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Also, I would like to point out that just because you didn’t get a STD doesn’t mean you won’t be invited to the wedding.  I didn’t send out STD’s to everyone on my guest list, just those that were on the top of my guest list (close family mostly) other people will be invited, but they just didn’t get a Save the Date.  The problem was, I could only order my STD’s in packs of 50, and i needed like 55 or so, and i wasn’t going to pay for 45 that I didn’t need. Just food for thought.

Post # 13
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Assuming this is not a “work shower” (which is generally held during working hours or out to lunch with coworkers on a working day) either go with a gift and smile, or don’t go. 

Unfortunately, those are your options. 

Going empty-handed leaves YOU open for committing a breach of etiquette if you find that you are in fact invited and the bride just didn’t do Save-The-Date Cards or yours somehow got lost in the mail. 

Post # 14
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have gone to many showers for coworkers and I would never expect to be invited to their wedding. Even when the shower is mixed with their friends I still was flattered that I was included.

Post # 15
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Lee_Ann:  Yes I was going to say this as well!  I did not send Save-The-Date Cards to any coworkers (except the 1 that was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding).  I had a coworker get married a few years ago and never got a STD though I know she sent them out, but I was invited to her wedding.

When is the wedding?  More than 2 months away?  If you are sure you are not invited to the wedding, I’d just get the ‘token’ gift suggested by a PP like chocoate or wine. But if you don’t know, maybe get something small ~$20 off the registry?

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