(Closed) Wedding Shower Conundrum

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you either go to the shower expecting not tobe invited to the wedding or you realize that you’re not invited to the wedding and live by “the rules” and not go to the shower either.

Post # 4
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you feel that bad about it or uncomfortable then perhaps you should skip it.  I agree that you shouldn’t be inviting people to your shower and not the wedding because it does seem gift-grabby.  I am having a Destination Wedding too and everyone that is invited to the shower is invited to the wedding. 

Post # 6
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I woudl just RSVP “no” if you think you’re not invited to the wedding. The worst case scenario here is that you end up getting an invitation and no one is the wiser as to what you thought was going on.  IMO its inexcusable to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding unless there are VERY unusual circumstances.

Post # 7
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you are close to the bride, AND you want to buy a gift (a small one – as all shower gifts should be) for her AND you won’t harbor any hard feelings whether or not you discover that a wedding invitation was never sent or if it was “lost in the mail” THEN you should go to the shower.

You’ve said that this lady is your long-time friend.  You may wish to go to her shower… but it seems as though you shouldn’t expect that wedding invitation.  Though she may be one of the brides who decides that STDs don’t need to go to every guest who will be invited later…

If you think that you’ll feel a bit of resentment or other feelings of “ill-will” if you attend the shower but don’t get a wedding invitation then you should decline the invitation and just send a nice card with well wishes.

If you’ve already told the bride that you plan to attend, you will need to tell her if your plans change and you aren’t going to be attending.

Post # 9
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am in the process of sending out STD’s for my wedding and I plan on not sending STD’s to some potential guests (co-workers, semi close friends, friends I don’t see or talk to very often, parents’ friends) because we are tight on reception seating at the moment. I made sure that the people not receiving STD’s are in different social circles than guests receiving STD’s though. I’m really hoping that after the STD’s are sent and we are closer to the wedding I will have some guests inform me they can’t come so I can send out more invites. I would never invite a friend to my shower that I didn’t send a STD, but that’s just me.

Post # 10
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@meubank: Some people of the opinion that STDs should only be sent to those that the couple can’t imagine NOT having at their wedding. (Parents, grandparents, the absolute closest friends…) This leaves the couple more lattitude to manage their guest list as the wedding draws nearer. (Look at the boards and you’ll see several brides posting about having sent STDs to people that they aren’t sure they still can/want to invite when it’s time for invitations to be mailed.)

It’s possible that the couple don’t intend to invite you at all, have you on their “B-List” or the bride may have assumed that you already knew the details, so she didn’t send a STD for some reason though she intends to send an invitation.

Still, my advice about whether or not to attend remains unchanged… if you want to go, and can do it with a real smile and a heart full of well wishes, then go to the shower.  If you don’t want to go, or think you’ll feel bad about it, let the bride know you won’t make it, and send a card with well wishes (which will help preserve the friendship.)

Post # 11
2153 posts
Buzzing bee

You didn’t get an STD or an invite, so you are probably not invited to the wedding.

I don’t think you should ask if you are invited.  It puts the hosts on the spot, and may make them say yes, even if you weren’t meant to be invited.  Which personally isn’t how I would want to be invited to the wedding.

I would just RSVP no if you don’t want to go.  You can say no for whatever reason you like.  I too would probably decline.  I am not close enough to you to get invited to the wedding, I am not close enough to have been invited to the shower.




Post # 12
1525 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We’re one of those people who won’t probably be doing STDs for a good chunk of our guest list. The friend you asked may not know, or might just be uncomfortable speaking for the bride.

PP advice is good… I’d either show up and being willing to let the lack of an invite go (if they’ve even gone out yet, it sounds more like its STDs that have been sent), or skip the shower and just bring a gift to the wedding if you get the invite.

Post # 14
1094 posts
Bumble bee

What etiquette actually says about showers is that

1) Showers are a mandatory gift-giving event (actually the only event where gifts are mandatory.) Therefore …

2) the bride and her family should have nothing to do with arranging a shower, because their involvement would make them look either mercenary or destitute. The hostess should be someone outside the family (who might therefore not know who is or isn’t on the wedding invitation list;) and

3) that hostess should ensure that she invites ONLY those people who love the bride enough to WANT to shower her with gifts (without any selfish consideration about what’s in it for them).

4) And furthermore, because gifts are mandatory and will be opened publicly, shower gifts should be expendable necessary household items of nominal or low value, distinguished more by the giver’s cleverness in selecting such a gift than by the giver’s extravagance.

So: if you WANT to go to the shower, go and give a NON-expensive gift, so that you then will not have any cause for resentment whether you get a wedding invitation or not. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If your wanting to go is dependent on getting an invitation, then don’t go because you don’t really qualify under rule #3 above — the hostess obviously made a mistake.

Post # 15
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

In my culture it’s an everyday thing to have a bridal shower full of people who are not invited to the wedding.

The bride’s family invites everyone they think will bring a gift even if that person doesn’t know the bride or groom. I grew up with this and I still don’t approve, how awkward having a bunch of people who know are not required for the wedding.

Personally I try to avoid these showers, so I can imagine how awkward it’ll be for someone who’s not used to this.

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